depression

How can you feel really good one minute and so low the next? I think I can honestly say that I have never suffered with depression. I have been stressed, things have got me down, but I have never felt as bad as I have this last year. Is this depression?

I have posted on here before about how I fell in love with another woman. I am 52 with 4 grown children and had decided after my last relationship ended (14 years ago) that I was probably going to spend the rest of my life alone as every relationship I had been in just never felt right for me. Last year my life changed. It went from simple and happy to being turned upside down and inside out.

I am so confused. I feel really sorted one minute and then all muddled the next! I actually do really like myself most of the time, I like how I am thinking. I like how I feel. I have noticed that I feel deeper, think deeper... think longer. I think that I am more caring, sympathetic. All this from realising I am gay?? It certainly is a transformation I am experiencing.

I have had 2 weeks off the day job. Catching up with stuff indoors and getting my own little business sorted. The first week I spent out and about and chilling, and this week I needed to get lots of paperwork done and stuff listed online. Yesterday was brilliant. Music up, I was well in the swing and got loads done. This morning I was up, had breakfast and got stuck in again. All was going great until about 3pm. Then it hit. I just sat and felt so low. All my incentive went! I felt so shit! I know why... I'm going to share, sorry to bore you all but it really helps to write all this down!

Just over a week ago the women I fell in love with messaged me. We have a family connection and we will cross paths at some point. I can't cut all contact. We hadn't been in touch for 4 months. She had a few questions she wanted to ask about the night I told her my feelings. We were very drunk. We had been having a deep conversation about all sorts. She had asked me if there was anyone I was attracted to at the time. I had no inhibitions as I was so drunk... I said yes! And told her it was her. I remember the words coming out of my mouth. I still can't believe they did! She just looked at me and said 'Really'? I can't remember much about what happened after that apart from the fact I did drink more and I did make a pass (I won't go into details on that one) She wasn't as drunk as me and stopped it and she left and went home!

The next day I felt awful. I text and apologised. She said not to fuss and it was all drunken nonsense. She is older than me. Intelligent, caring and level headed. She lives abroad. I was visiting family when this happened and 2 days later I was on the flight home and feeling crushed! I didn't see her before I left.

She messaged me to see how I was. She said she was worried about me and that she can understand how attractions happen regardless of gender. I couldn't get the knotted feeling out of my stomach. I had made a pass at this woman. What was I doing??? I only did it because I was drunk. I had/have incredibly strong feelings for her but it would never have happened if I hadn't been drinking! Anyway, back to her messaging me after 4 months. She asked how I was. I said I was feeling better. She said it takes time to get over something like that. She has no idea what I have been going through. She said she has been struggling with feelings of guilt from that night. She said she shouldn't have been drunk and that she has a feeling of being invaded and it has stayed with her. She wasn't angry while explaining this. Although it was messages and we haven't spoken, the messages were calm and normal. Hearing this took me right back to how I felt at the time. The knot in my stomach is back. I told her I was confused as she had said she understood. It was all drunken nonsense and we should move on? She said that she had felt bad, it was bothering her and needed to talk. I told her that I wish she had told me earlier how she felt... not left it so long. All this time I was getting myself sorted, coming to terms with my feelings and working through my issues. ALl that time she was feeling shit at what I had done! I felt sooo guilty. We chatted for a bit longer and at the end of the conversation she said she did want to forget it all. She said that we should move on and forget it happened. I said I would love to do that if she could and she said she would.

I feel so horribly guilty at how I have made her feel. This poor woman didn't ask for this. I feel like I have invaded her personal space, and even though she has said we should forget it and move on I can't! Until she messaged I was feeling a bit better, planned a couple of meetups. Came out to a close friend. Was beginning to start feeling good about myself again and embracing these new feelings I have. Now I just feel rotten. I know our conversation ended on a good note but I just can't shake this feeling of guilt. I actually feel dirty at what I have done and I know I shouldn't. Or should I? If I think back to how many blokes made passes at me (younger days), some returned and others were told to jog on... I can never remember feeling bad about them. Once a mother of one of my sons friends (known to be bi) tried to kiss me when she was drunk one night. At the time I was pregnant with my last child. I just told her to piss off and behave. I didn't really give that a 2nd thought. How long does it takes to start feeling normal again?

 

I can not believe how similar our experiences are. Thank you for your posts. Peterpangirl, reading your words is like a copy of what is in my head! How can we move forward from this. Is it just time? I thought I was on the way to making sense from all of this and now feel like I'm back to square one! I wish she had messaged earlier to tell me how she felt. I am glad she did contact me. I would never have messaged her first. She wasn't angry, she said it was bothering her and she needed to message.

I have never felt so out of control of my feelings as I have with this. I understand totally about having to deal with new feelings. I realised months ago that although I think I have loved the men I have been with, I have never been in love. I'm sure if I had fallen in love with one of them we may still have been together. I totally fell in love with her. That has scared and upset me so much. I now feel vulnerable. That is a new feeling to me. Not had that before. Upset because I think how many years have I wasted trying to make previous relationships work that probably never stood a chance?

It does come in waves, and it is overwhelming. I know I made a mistake, I know I'm only human and did not mean to hurt her or upset her but I did. I am normally so good and putting things to rest, moving on and not letting anything bother me. I think those days have gone now. I have had 2 weeks off work. I am back tomorrow and think it will do me good. I think I need to keep busy. I am not sure how much more I can cope with this feeling creeping up on me and once it has hit it cripples me! Peterpangirl... does your catalyst know how you feel about her?

 

I really don't mind anyone hijacking my thread and sharing their thoughts. I think I must have hijacked lots of threads. As you can probably tell once I start typing I go on and on and on xx I hate to think of anyone feeling like this and going through such emotional torment, and we all are aren't we? That's why we have all gravitated to this place and thank goodness for this site and all of you, as I am sure I would have had a nervous breakdown by now without it and you.

If I ever ask anyone something that isn't appropriate or you don't want to answer please just ignore me xxx OED27x are you separated or do you still live with your husband? I am single so don't have that added complication (and I couldn't think of another word to use there) I have never been married (my choice) I was asked by each of my 3 serious partners. I have children from each relationship. I was lucky enough to be in a position that when I knew it wasn't working for me I asked them to leave. That sounds cold and hard but that is how it happened. I did try but just could not stand being near someone I knew I didn't love. Sex was only enjoyable (for release only) when I was drunk and on the nights I was sober I would go to bed first and pretend to be asleep. Don't get me wrong. I have never felt pressured for sex and no meant no. So it was just me wanting to be left alone in bed that I would pretend to be asleep. And it was sex. I don't think I could ever describe it as making love.

Someone gave me some advice on here that made sense. To remove my catalyst from my life. To totally end contact, but we are connected by family and I can't do that. I must admit for the first time since this happened I can actually understand how that would help me. OED27x If your husband isn't living with you would you not be able to distance yourself from him. Also how have you failed your marriage. I know I must sound like a hypocrite now saying this but you can not help your feelings. And I know that we have to be true to ourselves and accept those feelings and as you say be totally comfortable in our skin to be able to move forward. I was actually really beginning to feel that way. But now I feel this overwhelming knot of guilt in my stomach at the upset I caused her. If I hadn't of drunk that night I would have said nothing, I wouldn't have touched her and I wouldn't be typing this now. I think I also feel guilty now because I was moving forward, but without realising that she felt so bad. It's like a splinter now throbbing away. I have 2 meetings planned. An LGBT social evening and a full on pub/disco/nightclub event at a very well known large gay venue (I didn't know that when I booked a hotel). It's an hours drive from me and a friend is coming with me for support and we are going to have a drink so will be staying over. I actually feel guilty at having these planned. I know I shouldn't but I do. I was planning going off meeting new people and she was feeling shit!

Confusedbuthappy. I do feel I can let most of the feelings go. At first I was heartbroken and felt that I had lost something... but it was something I didn't have to begin with. I had felt these feelings for 3 years and it was only being drunk that night that made it easy for me to express them. She is married, Happily. No chance of anything happening and I know that, but still I felt that I had an empty space within me. I was coping with that. It was hard and the knot in my stomach that I would get if I happened across a photo of her would twist and remind me of those feelings. I do think what I have now is guilt. I just need to find a way to cope or shift it and I really don't know how. I hope eventually I will be able to let go of all the feelings I have for her but to be honest, I can't imagine ever feeling like this about anyone ever. And I think I will always carry something for her in my heart.

Peterpangirl, I do blame myself for her feelings. It was me that started this. She didn't ask for any of it.

And I do think I understand... I especially about something awakening. I seriously have that feeling, and there is no way I think it is going back to sleep. And it is something that I need to explore.

 

You are all so kind and your words have helped so much. Confusedhappy you are right, I do have to find a way of dealing with the guilt. I am in a place now that all I can do is move forward. I feel that even if I tried to ignore what I have discovered about myself it's going to make me ill. I have opened something in me that I have to explore. I was coping with the feelings I had for her, I thought. I think if I had known in the beginning how she felt I could have dealt with that then. But to think she has had these feelings all this time and not said anything made me feel sad for her. Poppy43, thank you x she is a grown woman, and at first she did dismiss it at drunken nonsense. We have a family connection so she will be in my life. She is really a lovely person. She is kind and has helped me and my family so much over the last few years. I developed feelings for her that at first I didn't understand. I didn't understand what they meant... later on I have realised that I hadn't ever felt that way about anyone at all in my entire life!It wasn't until that night that I got really drunk and told her how I felt. She was very surprised but said that she understood that attractions happen, that we can't help who we are attracted to.

I should have stopped drinking then. I seemed to change instantly once I had told her how I felt. It was like a lightswitch had been turned on and in my drunken state I thought, life's too short... and then I did try to take it further. I was in the wrong. I did come on quite strong, she was drunk too so I think it took a few minutes for her to realise what was happening. She stopped it and went home. I know I am human and we are both adults but she is married. happily married and she didn't encourage or do anything to make me feel it was ok to make an advance towards her.

I don't look at it as twisting a knife. I can see how that looks and it is hard to explain fully on here as it's hard to tell the whole connection. I think what OED27x said the other day was right, I think she needed closure. I'm a lot calmer today and have re-read everything that I typed over the last few days and I was really heading to a low place. I feel a bit more balanced today.

I think she did the right thing early on by limiting contact, she had said we were ok and that it was a mistake. I know she did that to help me feel better. After the last message she said that we would forget it all and move on. I am hoping she is able to do this.

On the upside, I have agreed to go to a LGBT meetup on Monday. I already had one arranged for the following weekend and a friend is coming with me for support to that one. But I think I need to take the first step on my own.

I have always been a creature of habit. Same friends, good, solid mates that I love to bits. We tend to stay in the same area when we socialise, and talk about the same stuff. I put in a previous post that I have been finding the evenings out with them a bit of a strain. I feel they are not enough and I need more. Part of that is that I am not sharing with them yet about my feelings, so while they are happily chatting about the comings and goings of day to day life, I am sitting there wanting to shout out I FECKING GAY!!! Not yet, I want my family to know first, and that will not be till I am more settled with myself. I have only come out to one friend. And I have left her alone this week as I think I could easily overwhelm her about these feelings. She would listen, and has always said message if ever I feel low, but again... I think there is only one way forward for me now and that is to widen my social group.

I hate going anywhere alone, so that in itself will be a struggle for me. The bar we are meeting at for the Monday meetup is an hour away by train! But I am determined to go for it. I messaged the group and asked a simple question, which got me an answer and some other members then put messages on there. I was honest and said it was out of my comfort zone and one lady put that she was in a similar position to me. She was building herself up to actually attending her 1st meetup too. Another said it was her first time with this group too and that I could look out for her. The group organiser messaged me and said he was looking forward to meeting me. They all sound so lovely, so why am I so worried.

It's not far off. I am hoping after Monday I will gain some confidence, make some new friends that hopefully I can keep in touch with. If I don't go I won't ever know.

I was never worried before about being lonely. I was quite happy being without a partner, thought that was how my life would be... not now. I would love to meet someone that I can share my life with. I'm not thinking that is going to happen soon. It has been so long since I was with anyone. 17 years!! I need to just find out who I really am. And hopefully I will find that. And I think all of you are going to be bored with all my updates during that journey. It's such a shame all us EC members can't have a get together (admin I am joking, just a nice thought though) You really are an incredible bunch of people and I thinks it's really strange how I feel so connected to you all Add to dictionary.

All that said, I feel more alive now than I ever have. I think I have lived a shallow life. My children are everything to me and I think as my hands on mum days spread over 30 years I didn't have much time for me. I had my first child at 19 and my last at 34, so it did last a long time. I think the fact that over the last 2 years they no longer need me as much has also added to this new found me. It's funny isn't it. You think you are just dealing with one things and all these other emotions, feelings and reasons start coming to the surface. I really feel like a multi layered volcano at the moment.

And I have done it again. Look how much has spewed from my fingers?

OEDX27x thank you for sharing that, you are such an amazing mum to keep it all together for your kids. And I think it wouldn't matter where you decided to live, in the house you are in now or a new home without your husband in the picture it wouldn't matter. You are an incredible mum and a very brave women xxxx

 

Bluenote, a beer sounds mighty fine. Mine would be a pint! I think it would be great x awakening is a good word. Something stirs doesn't it and there is no putting it back to sleep!

Your husband won't be able to ignore it forever. I think the feeling within us gets stronger and stronger wanting us to explore and find out where it wants to take us.

This started for me last August. The first few months was me trying to stop feeling sick and crying. I made out it was menopause as my kids thought I had flipped! Then it was the beginning of the ups and downs. Which have carried on. I then came out to a friend earlier this year. Well, that was an awesome feeling. I felt like a weight had been lifted and she is so supportive. I felt like I was superwoman with these new super powers. Not long after that I thought to myself 'what am I thinking' I'm 52, I can't start popping off to other towns meeting people I don't know!

After a chat with my friend she inspired me again. She said life is too short and if there is a chance of happiness out there grab it! So I arranged a meetup and she said she would come with me. Then my catalyst got in touch and I felt like I had gone right back to the beginning again. Around this time a lady I used to work with had a stroke and passed away. She had turned 50 the week before. Never smoked or drank. Was fit and healthy and bang! Life over. My friend said to me... see, life is too short. You have to make every second count! She's right.

Now I feel calmer. And have arranged to go to another meetup before the originally arranged one. And on my own??? What I think I'm trying to say is that each time something happens that makes me feel really low, I seem to grow a bit more determined to do something else. My mum used to say 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' I never took much notice of that saying but now it really makes me think! You get knocked down but you have something in you that makes you get up and keep going. Bluenote I went off track a bit there as I was trying to say that soon you will want to be exploring and your husband will have to face up to it that you have changed. And from how I feel and what I have read of others in the same situation, once you have had this 'lightswitch/awakening' moment... there is no going back. No rewind button. I for one don't want to. I hope he listens to you soon xxxx

 

OED27x Thank you xx That's how I am going to try and think now,
'I fucked up' And after reading all of your comments and you sharing all your experiences I can see I really do have to work on myself now and get to a stage that I can move on. I do want to. I will just give myself a kick on the bum and try x I hope you can rebuild the friendship with your friend. And it is embarrassment isn't it... not just guilt. And I am also going to try and think that something could have come out of it, and if we don't try we would never know would we?

And from our experience we have now become our true selves. x