This d*ke feels strong today

I don't know if I can spell out the word in my title, but i've been really liking that term for myself lately, it helps me tap into my strength.

I wrote a message to someone today, told her off for being a terrible friend... no need for background, the message says it all:

Hey J,

Time flies… you sent this message in October, and to be quite honest i’ve been way too busy to respond. I have much more interesting, important and time-consuming things going on in my life. But, your message, and more importantly your treatment of me as a “friend”, generous description on my part by the way; have stuck with me, and i have always intended to respond to you.

So here you go.

J, when i met you, i was just coming out of the closet. My life was in disarray. I wasn’t sure if coming out was going to lead to the loss of my marriage, breaking up my family (remember i have a little girl), and I wasn’t even totally sure about my sexuality. I was facing a lot of really big, scary questions about my life. I live across the ocean from my family. And honestly as a mum of a small kid, it’s hard to get out and make real friends, so i felt incredibly alone. I didn’t have anyone to talk to in person about all this scary shit in my life. I had no friends in the LGBT community in edinburgh, nor any close friends in the city at all, honestly.

You were pretty much the only person i could talk to about all of the scariest shit in my life. Let me stress to you, this was probably the single hardest time I’ve gone through in my life. As a mum, it scared the shit out of me to think about breaking up our family.

I got to a point where i realised, i’m definitely not bi, I’m gay, and at that moment i knew i had to end my marriage. The last few weeks prior to making that decision were really stressful, terrifying, really difficult to go through. I desperately needed a friend. But that’s precisely the time when you decided you didn’t have time for me. Time after time you ditched me. You decided you didn't have time to be around while i was dealing with all this terrifying shit. Before that J, I was there for you and helped you with things, no questions asked, anytime you needed me. I remember one particular night helping you type something up on the computer, and because of my busy schedule as a mom, i stayed up until 3 am to do it, before needing to get up at 6 to go to work. I wasn’t sleeping much on a nightly basis at the time either.

Yeah J, you used me,and then you abandoned me when i needed a friend most. You were a terrible friend.

Then I get this message from you a few months after i let our friendship slip by. At some point, I decided i’d rather have zero friends than one really crap friend. So i stopped bothering to contact you.

But you send me a message after about 2-3 months go by - saying hey S, sorry i've cut you out of my life, it's just that i don’t approve of the way you handled your marriage or in how you handled coming out of the closet.

Guess what J, you don’t get to approve or not approve of my life. All i needed was a friend. Who the fuck do you think you are, judging the way i live my life.

My life has changed - it’s still really challenging, but i’m so fucking happy. I’m out, i’m proud of who i am, and that includes every single part of what got me here. I came out late, and i have my own reasons for it. Slate me all you want for coming out at 36, honey, i pity you for only having one narrow view on the world. That’s the journey i’ve lived and i’m proud to have lived it. I've started working on ways in the community to help other people coming out. I have something called compassion (not something you know much about) - i help other people who have challenges coming out, both in the general lgbt community and at work. You want me to be a proud lesbian? Well, i think it's sufficient to say i definitely make a bigger effort than you in putting myself out there being part of the community. I’m also separating from my ex, it’s a long process but i decided to do it in July last year. And now I’m dating an amazing woman. Before we decided to separate, my ex wanted to be in an open relationship with me. I considered giving it a try for him, but in the end i decided it wasn’t what i needed. If you disapprove of the way i tried to make things work in my life, go get married and have a kid, then come back to me to tell me how simple it is to change the life of everyone impacted by your decisions. Again, i own my journey. Trying to save my marriage is what felt right, until it didn’t, and then i made different decisions. And guess what else has changed in my life? i've made tons of friends. Real ones, supportive people, who really care and encourage and have my back.

Last time i looked at your facebook page and i clicked on the friends button, i saw that it said “nothing to show here”, ha, what a surprise.

Little tip from me to you - you want to have friends, be a friend.

That’s all i have to say at the moment. If i feel the need to say more, you’ll hear from me.


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i don;t usually feel the need to tell people off, but i just didn't want to leave it unsaid. i don;t leave much unsaid anymore.

 

Thanks friends it felt so good to get that off my chest. I don't really have many people I feel the need to tell off, but this needed to be said.