In reference to my earlier thread (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/230438-advice.html), I've been since then tormented with multiple emotions and thoughts. One of the scariest thoughts is to accept my destiny as a closeted married gay man and continue my life with my wife and kids .. it comes to me as if God has chosen this path for me and that I have no choice but to accept the reality. After all, faith is an integral part of me. My wife was on a business trip for about two weeks and she came back home this past Thursday. She has been nice to me and thoughtful on many occasions, although we don't do much talking any more, but I found myself trying to run life as normal as it was prior to our separation. I prepared breakfast and asked her to join me, opened up a discussion about her work and our daughter's upcoming wedding arrangement. First time in about 4 months to have dinner as a family, with both my kids and my wife, and cracking jokes, laughing. It felt good to be back, but scared from the feeling that I'm being pushed back to the closet .. my closet (Being out to myself for the last few months). Is this a normal reaction to my emotional void? just thinking about getting back to my wife is scary enough that would send a shiver into my body, its like an alarm set on vibrate! but deep inside me, this damn voice that whispers to me to accept it is an annoyance that I cannot get out of my head. I've been trying some of the mindfulness exercises through a podcast (mindfulness+ on itunes) and it helps momentarily. I practice several times a day and it definitely helped me yesterday and this morning. Still my thoughts and emotions are flowing and fighting in a vicious manner .. it is exhausting.:icon_sad::bang:
I personally would never have been able to go "back in the closet" once my journey started. And often when growing up, one piece of advice I actually appreciated hearing from my parents was "always finish what you have started". There are a lot of ups and downs on the journey. When the downs come, I often thought about the advice I was given as a child and fantasizes that I was a racehorse. As a racehorse, I had blinders on and could not see other horses on either side of me. Instead, once the gate opened, I had to focus on the only objective I can see - crossing the finish line. As I raced ahead, there were other impediments chasing me, but since I stayed focused, I was able to cross the finish line. To use another analogy, it seems you have one each foot in the door and one foot out of the door. Maybe it's time you take the next steps making yourself vulnerable and keep looking ahead and running the race. It's your own happiness that is at stake.
Thanks OTH for your reply, your last sentence really put my thoughts back on track ("It's your own happiness that is at stake."). This is one of the issues that my therapist pointed out to me several times, I keep thinking about how others would react, feel, or get affected by my decisions and always forget about what I want, how I feel, and whether I'd be happy or not. I keep thinking about my wife, and how she'd run her life alone in the US, we both left our families back home to create a new life here, now her daughter is getting married, son is starting college away from home and I'm leaving her .. I feel a bit guilty and pity for her.
Your kids are adults now. Your wife will always have them. You have been a good father and husband. You are allowed to now focus on yourself.
