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Married with kids, but want to be with women...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterflies85, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Butterflies85

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    Hello, I'm new here and really could do with some advice or even just somewhere to express my thoughts. Sorry this will be very long - I just have so much to get off my chest...

    Where do I start?

    I have always deep down known that I am attracted to females- but growing up, I always went out with boys and genuinely had feelings for them too. In my late teens and early twenties, I remember lusting after women and having 'crushes' but was not quite sure what was happening and also didn't want to admit that to myself so just ignored it. I did kiss two friends of mine at a party once, and still consider it one of the best intimate moments of my life. I remember wanting so badly for it to lead to more when one of them stayed over at my place. For them, i think it was just a drunken kiss to excite an audience of men, But for me, it was like no one else was in the room.

    After that experience, I began a relationship with a guy and accidentally fell pregnant, I was 20 at the time. We broke up when I was still pregnant and I raised my daughter on my own until she was 2. By then, my sexual fantasies of being with women became just something I shoved down because I thought I couldn't possibly come out to my family on top of being a single mother. The shame of that alone was crippling - how could I then explain I wanted to be with women?

    Unfortunately - I have always been someone who is so sensitive to what others think of me, and sensitive to other peoples emotions, I sacrificed my authenticity to please others.

    I met and married my now husband and we have been together for 8 years. We have a son who is 4 and my daughter is now 10. I realised and was finally able to admit to myself about 2 years ago that I am bisexual. I guess it was a culmination of a few things that helped me to realise - watching LGBTQ focused movies, youtubers and TV shows and identifying with them, being attracted to certain woman before realising that they too were gay and and also just getting older, more wiser and less likely to give a fuck what others think of me.

    I identify as bisexual because in those 8 years my husband and I have had some wonderful times and I have felt emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually connected to him and I do love him. But for the past few years and especially at the moment, I am feeling a real sadness that I haven't been completely true to myself and had experiences with women. I have an incredible urge to explore these feelings that have surfaced with full force.

    It's not just about experiencing another woman sexually either, I am not one to have a one night stand or anything. I truly want to be in a relationship with a woman. To share a life with a woman.

    My husband knows I am bisexual (he had already suspected it when i told him, but says that he still expects me to remain in the marriage and stay faithful) and I just came out to my mum and two sisters on the weekend who are all supportive and would love me no matter what.

    The support and acknowledgement is great!! but I am truly struggling with where to go from here. I don't want to break up my marriage, my life and my kids lives just so that I can fulfill some sexual and emotional desires but at the same time, I feel like I am going insane trying to pretend I am happy in this marriage.

    He wants to have regular sex, and I just feel like I am betraying myself when I am with him, because my thoughts are somewhere else (I need to imagine myself with a woman to climax) and I cringe at the thought of having to see and touch his penis and have sex with him. I hold off as long as I can, but eventually - he becomes so difficult to live with that I give in just to satisfy his needs.

    But the sex hasn't ALWAYS been this way. I used to really enjoy it. So maybe I will again? I don't know...but I do know that the idea of being with him for the rest of my life, and never getting to be with a woman is just awful and I would regret that kind of life.

    If I leave, what if it is not what I expect it to be and regret leaving? What If i hurt my husband and mess my kids lives up for a life that is harder and worse than what I have now? I have thoughts that maybe I should just stay and enjoy the good parts and ignore the bad until the kids are older and then go. But either way, someone gets hurt - me, them, him.

    I am so confused. And so ANGRY at myself for getting into two 'life altering', heavy situations (first an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, then marriage) without really thinking how this could affect my future choices. I just wish I had of listened to that inner voice many, many years ago, and been brave enough to be who I wanted to be.

    Now I have made a mess of things, lives and hearts are on the line and I could really hurt a lot of people, including myself.

    Help!
     
  2. OED27x

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    Hey there, welcome to EC! Although you have had thes feelings for a long time you are now admitting them to other people, accepting your feelings., and reaching out. So, you are on the right path and early in the game. You have come to the right place. Lots of folks are in similar situations.
     
  3. ARB

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    Hi butterflies. I don't have any good advice, but please know you aren't alone. The feelings of being trapped, being angry, desire for change without hurting the people you're close to... those are so familiar to me. I've been searching for a therapist to talk with. Stay strong. It's really hard, but you will find support here.
     
  4. CubbieBlue

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    Hi Butterflies,

    I'm in a similar situation with my wife. I came out to her and she also suspected. Funny how the mates we choose can tell something but aren't sure. That was over 2 years ago. Like your husband ,she asked me to stay faithful and like you, I have really strong urges sometimes. You're not alone! May I ask you a question? Why do despise having sex with him so much? Is it because you feel bad about having to imagine a woman to climax? I have done the same so many times but thinking about men. Or are there other issues? I only ask because you identify as bisexual and you still love your husband. I know I'm a guy and we are wired differently, but I don't hate having sex with my wife, even if I have to occasionally think of men. I do feel guilty about it sometimes, but I see it as better than the alternative. And I do feel that I'm still making the bigger sacrifice between her and me.
     
  5. Butterflies85

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    Hi CubbieBlue, thanks for your response and helping me to feel less alone in this. I never used to despise having sex with him. I don't have high libido when it comes to men but I did used to really enjoy it. But for the past 6 months+ or so, I have found I really dislike it. There are a number of reasons that are more than just his gender. There has been very little emotional connection between us for a while, he has let himself go a lot (while I try hard to maintain my health and fitness), He has rejected me on a personal/emotional level many times, and often he is very nice and charming to me in order to initiate sex, but then becomes distant and unresponsive after. It makes me feel used. We've discussed all these at length but i find nothing really changes.

    I identify as 'bisexual' but I really am not sure. At the moment, even the idea of sleeping with Hollywood's hottest men has me gagging. Given the choice, I would choose a woman over a man. But I wonder if that's just because it is an unknown to me. Would it be so alluring after years of having sex with a girlfriend? Would I feel this same way? I don't know. I am very confused :icon_sad:

    I have tried to be with him and really try to enjoy him and be in the moment without internal fantasies. But I am unable to finish. I feel so guilty - he looks at me with such adoration. I never fake an orgasm, i just don't finish and we both know it. But i do pretend that I am enjoying it and him when I'm not really. Its times like this, I later secretly look at myself in the mirror and say "Why are you still here? What are you doing? Are you going to spend the rest of your life, or even the next couple of years pretending you enjoy being with him?"

    But then not even an hour later, I convince myself that it's okay, I can make this work, for the sake of the marriage, our children, our finances, my livelihood. I can make this work.
    :confused:

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2017 at 03:34 PM ----------

    OED27x- Thanks so much for welcoming me here! And assuring me I am not alone :slight_smile:

    ARB - Thanks so much for reaching out and letting me know there are others dealing with similar situations. Sometimes, it's so hard when you are just stuck inside your mind. I wish you all the best with finding a therapist :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #5 Butterflies85, Apr 18, 2017
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  6. TwoSocks

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    Don't be angry at yourself. I've been very confused too.
    With myself, I just think I was supposed to be the person I was for the past 30 years.
    Life happened, this was our journey.
    I wasn't ready to accept my sexuality even though I've had sexual experiences with women. Based on the experiences that I had I concluded I couldn't fall in love with them. So I wasn't bi. I was too young and emotionally underdeveloped with this part of me to figure myself out cause I was dealing with other emotionally exhausting issues.

    I did fall in love with a woman, and I accepted my sexuality just a few weeks ago.
    I love my husband and always have. I still feel butterflies and feel attracted to him.
    I want to be with him just as much as the day we got married but I'm still struggling to deal with the idea that now I'll never know what it's like to be in a relationship with a woman. Have passionate sex, out of love, and just be... with a woman. Emotionally bond with a woman. Sometimes I just miss the softness, the female energy. Sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I remember how it felt to have my arms around a waist and I remember the softness of a females kiss.
    Sometimes there are things I miss to give, miss to receive and miss to be.
    But it's getting easier and at the same time I think.. maybe it's not really that much different as being with a guy.. in a relationship. I don't know.
    But I'm still like.. I will never know for the rest of my life. That's.. forever.
    Sometimes I wish I was just completely free and I feel like I'm in a cage.
    And I feel like a bad person for feeling that. But it's the way it is and I'm dealing with it. I love my husband so, so much in all kinds of ways. He's just my forever and always. But I couldn't possibly deal with being bisexual when I was younger, for so many reasons. I'm trying to let my desires go.. it does get easier.. but I just want to let you know I relate a lot to what you're writing and that you're not alone. (*hug*)
     
  7. Peterpangirl

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    Butterflies and TwoSocks -you both write beautifully about the married dilemma.

    Like you, Butterflies, I have wondered how my sexual orientation issues may be muddying the waters when it comes to the breakdown of the physical relationship in my marriage. In my case, there was a build up of small resentments, loss of connection and physical desire over a number of years, before unexpectedly falling for a woman: by the time I realised/ acknowledged it to myself my emotions had utterly spiralled out of control and the desire to be with this person on all levels was overwhelming. On being honest with myself I was able to recognise that the potential for falling for another woman had always been there, but I had done a very good job of repressing this aspect of me. Also I think I may have slid along the scale unwittingly, as my child bearing years are drawing to a close - aged 41. And it is not as if I am sat here drooling over Hollywood's fittest men. Even Johnny Depp barely registers anymore. Yet I find my eyes drawn consistently to certain middle-aged actresses older than myself!!!

    Like TwoSocks - though the signs were there (though I never kissed a woman in the past) I wasn't mature enough to see or accept this part of me - but now I do - at a time when it will all have massive ramifications for others - my children and H - to act on my sexuality. And yet I feel unable to smother this part of me - unable to condemn it to never having any chance of expression ever...I am frustrated and angry with myself at times for not being able to let it all go, but it feels like so much more than ""sex"....I cannot unsee what I have seen about who I am. I cannot forget it. The dilemma and guilt are just massive...
     
    #7 Peterpangirl, Apr 19, 2017
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  8. Butterflies85

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    Wow Peterpangirl, it's like you took the words right out of my mouth. I am crying...the dilemma and guilt are just massive...yes. just... yes.

    I am also unable to smother this part of me. And the thought of a life never experiencing a relationship with a woman just feels like utter betrayal to my very soul...my very being. It's like I might as well just not be here, if I cannot experience what my heart truly desires. And it is so much more than "sex"

    You write so beautifully about the softness of a woman's kiss, your arms around her waist TwoShoes and I long for that. I long for nights on the couch with a girlfriend, just talking and truly feeling connected spiritually and emotionally. For sharing a life with someone who loves me for my femininity. Someone who loves that I like to talk, am a hopeless romantic, and so very very deep, because they are too. With my husband, and other male relationships - I get so much rejection for being 'too soft' 'too sensitive' and I feel I am not truly myself. My husband doesn't get me, and has tried all these long years to 'harden me up.' But now I've lost such a beautiful fragility in me that made me more compassionate, romantic, vulnerable, creative and feel alive.

    I am so happy to hear you are so deeply in love with your husband twoshoes- that will go a long way in helping you to feel comfortable with your decision to stay married. I truly wish you nothing but happiness. Unfortunately for me and my husband, I think there has been a lot of past hurts, a lot of emotional blackmail and resentment that has built up. I don't feel attracted to him at all, and I am falling out of love. It is this lack of love that is causing me to question my marriage more than my sexuality is causing me to question it. I actually don't know what came first, our marriage breakdown or my realization i am gay. I think probably the second... I may have been sabotaging the relationship for a good long while because my whole heart and soul cannot be in it.

    I just wish I wasn't paralysed with fear...I wish I could end this marriage and leave without causing incredible sadness to all parties involved. I know pain heals...but what a huge, huge life upheaval it will be.

    Thank you both for your support, I cannot describe how so vitally important it has been for me to know there are others out there experiencing the same thing. When you realise you are gay, it is so isolating. When you realise you are gay and in a hetero marriage, it is soul crushing... I'm here for you both in return...

    (*hug*)
     
  9. OED27x

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    Hey there, I'm going through this same thing. The break down of my marriage, the undeniable desire to be with a woman, the ramifications all this will have on my children. Like you, I have no idea what came first, the break down of my marriage or my acceptance of my sexuality. I keep thinking, it's like the chicken or the egg!!
    Undoubtedly they are linked. But, like Peterpangirl, there has been so many past hurts and resentments. And time has past and we've grown, not towards each other but away from each other. I'm no angel, for sure. I over analyze. I'm controlling. And have zero boundaries which then causes me to resent when some one crosses my non existent boundary. He is selfish, materialistic, can NOT communicate. Last night he admitted to me he has had a hard time admitting he is anything less than perfect. And he projects that on other people - sets high expectations in other words. During therapy when we really started spriralling (after I cheated -not proud) he has admitted for the first time he has some faults and was also responsible for the breakdown. Marriage is truly hard enough without one spouse being gay! Despite all of his faults, I know mine. And I know the truth. My desire to be with a woman in all ways is off the charts. My desire to be with men is - eh. I WISH it was off the charts!!! I have a lot of romantic notions about men, I always have enjoyed flirting with men. God knows I've been with my share of men in bed, but it just doesn't do it for me like being with a woman.
     
  10. CubbieBlue

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    Wow! It amazes me how common it is for those of us struggling with our sexual orientation and in marriages to question whether our acceptance of same sex attractions or the pending failures of our marriages came first. For so long, I felt like I was the only one. The chicken and the egg thing was a great way to put it. And to see that communication and not feeling valued confuses us even further. Or is it a catalyst to where our hearts really lie?

    The Hollywood guy thing makes me wonder too. I feel the same way sometimes, in that if I had a legitimate chance at the most beautiful Hollywood actress or just some random hot guy, there would be no question about it. I'd choose the guy. I also often wonder if its because of my lack of experience with men. Other times I wonder if the constant rejections in my life with my wife (exciting sex, feeling sexy, communication, feeling valued) is what turns me off to wanting to have sex with other women.
     
  11. Zen fix

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    Butterflies I have to say that while I've read many posts, including my own, that echo your experience your writing is outstanding. Welcome to EC. Keep coming back.
     
  12. Butterflies85

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    Thanks ZenFix (*hug*) that means so much to me.

    CubbieBlue - Yes i like that too.. the chicken or egg explanation. Its all very strange and I could go around and around inside my head for ages trying to pinpoint exactly which one came first but probably will never know.

    I want to respond to the past couple of messages in more detail, but I am really worn out. I spoke with my sister for over three hours today about my sexuality and my marriage and trying to work it all out. She was a big help, but I am now emotionally drained :confused:

    Anyway, I just wanted to pop on here and just say thanks for your responses and sharing your stories with me and I intend to write back soon. (*hug*)
     
  13. Ohmydayzz

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    Playing celebrity hall pass with my ex husband three years ago, I selected Olivia Wilde and Vin Diesel and settled on Olivia as my final choice.

    A long time later I asked myself why I'd prefer a straight chick over a straight man. I mean, she's straight she's probably​ not going to be all that passionate or giving because she's straight and Vin is experienced with women. But I would still rather have Olivia. Less bi more gay than I first thought lol