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LGBT Later in Life A support and discussion forum for older members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender etc.

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Old 18th Apr 2017, 03:21 PM   #1
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Just venting

I have been so incredibly busy with work that I hadn't thought much about my sexuality. I have pushed it down over the past 6 months or so. This weekend things came a bit unwound. I traveled for work and spent a few nights in a hotel. From the moment I walked in, I started watching gay porn. This is really embarrassing but I spent over 5 hours chatting, camming, and watching gay porn the first night. I fell asleep at 2am exhausted and had not prepared for the next day. That work day went ok but I rushed back to the hotel and did the same thing last night and this morning. I even ended up having phone sex with a couple of guys. I was in a small town so I didn't hookup but I looked and considered even renting a car to travel to a bigger city. Now I feel horrible about it all.

On top of all of this, I have not had sex with my wife in months (not at all in 2017). But just before we left we had a great night and had sex. It was actually nice and we connected after a long time. I had to prepare all day for that (we planned on doing that before). I listened to straight erotica and watched some straight porn. I didn't jerk off for days. I can't tell if it was nice and pure or forced. I still can't make a decision if I am gay or bi or what. I can't seem to decide what to do. I guess I will just throw myself into my work. This isn't a recipe for happiness - a total broken record - samsara, constant samsara
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Old 19th Apr 2017, 12:19 AM   #2
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Re: Just venting

Sooner or later, our true selves force their way to the forefront. As much as one keeps trying to hide from it, there really is no way to truly do so. So maybe it's time to embrace it and be the person your supposed to be?
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 06:25 AM   #3
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Re: Just venting

Quote:
Originally Posted by maybgayguy View Post
I still can't make a decision if I am gay or bi or what. I can't seem to decide what to do. I guess I will just throw myself into my work. This isn't a recipe for happiness - a total broken record - samsara, constant samsara
It seems to me that you already have decided what to do based on your behavior at the hotel during your business trip. The hard part for you is accepting the decision without feeling guilty about it, which is why you are trapped in samsara. You don't want to be gay (or bisexual) because of the shame and internalized homophobia you picked up growing up. Your sexuality was formed early in life, so you don't really have a choice about it. Your choice is whether or not to accept it. Your pain comes from resisting what is. If you wish to escape samsara, you need to stop clinging to the idea that you are straight and begin to accept and love yourself by confronting the homophobic lessons you learned growing up. This misinformation is your opponent and enemy.
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Last edited by SiennaFire; 21st Apr 2017 at 06:27 AM..
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