WTF - married, kids, sex rehab, therapy, now confronting sexuality

OK so I am struggling to deal with all of this.

I am 39 years old (today), married for 10 years with 2 boys (7 and 8). I was having intimacy problems with my wife for a long time.....I felt happiest with our relationship after we had had sex, and then I would feel anxious/resentful when we did not. It was an unhealthy cycle. I was exceptionally needy. So needy, that 5 years ago, I had sex with a married woman @ a bachelor party twice in one night, then continued sexting with her for a year. I looked at porn regularly (straight and lesbian), visited strip clubs, even a massage parlor, looking for the hit to relieve my sexual? relationship? anxiety. Almost 3 years ago, I began a 2 year affair with a female co-worker (also married with 2 kids) that was emotional more than sexual. I was seriously addicted but only had sex with her 3 times....it was mostly kissing, etc.....I was worried that if I had sex, I would be too far gone, and I wanted to try to maintain my family.

Almost in an effort to stop the addictive nature of that affair, I began another devastating affair with a female neighbor who was a close friend of my wife and I. This lasted 4 months, mostly furtive oral sex late @ night after neighborhood parties. It all collapsed when I couldn't handle the weight of the guilt any longer.....my wife was trying, our relationship was seemingly better......and I couldn't maintain an erection because of how guilty I felt. I confessed to the affairs and went to a sex rehab at the recommendation of a counselor.

While @ the in-patient 30 day sex rehab and getting in touch with past abuse, feelings, emotions (I could write another book about those issues), I experienced a fleeting sexual attraction to one of the other housemates who was gay. It touched off tremendous anxiety, questioning dreams and feelings, and owning powerful feelings of the capability of being sexual with a male.

After not thinking about my sexuality for 10 years of marriage, it has now shined the light on every doubt I had from 16-24, and has me questioning what the hell I do now. I have never been intimate with another guy, and have only had sex with women. I have always been attracted to women, in fact have had major PE issues when with them.

I have had moments in my life where I experienced other fleeting yet powerful sexual attraction to guys in college.....it was never enough to make me leave the environment I was comfortable in (college athlete, fraternity, etc), but I did notice it and it concerned me.

I found that I could masturbate to gay porn (back then) and that also concerned me. Didn't do it, but knew I was capable. Masturbated to the memory of my childhood abuse (@ 15) by a male basketball coach, and that REALLY concerned me.

Finally dealt with and admitted to the abuse 10 years ago, and after that - no gay thoughts. Now - since I've been back from rehab, I've had gay fantasies and masturbation and major anxiety @ the thought of repressing this my whole life. I should be thankful that my wife has let me back in the house (although she's not willing to have sex with me), but really I'm more upset/anxious with this identity question. Not even interested in my affair partners any longer, actually want to have sex with my wife (who i still love throughout all of this), but feeling powerful urge to masturbate to my same-sex fantasies.

I'm going to a therapist, and trying to work on understanding my actions. Do I need 12 step groups? Was sex rehab bullshit? How much does my childhood trauma have to do with my actions or sexuality? Is it possible that I've acted out sexually in an effort to relieve my underlying anxiety about having gay desires? Do I have an addiction? What the hell do I do now? I'm having a hard time focusing on work - which is tough considering I have a lot of responsibility as a leader @ a major insurance company.

I appreciate any advice and guidance.