So, I thought I'd share some thought with my LGBT friends on where I am in this big journey! Lately, I have been feeling very happy and comfortable with myself. Dare I say, proud!? I've felt an wholeness and a great satisfaction that FINALLY I can accept that I am not straight. You know, it is something that I knew for a long long time. Since I was little. Hell I even told my mom 5 years ago, but I didn't accept it within my heart. I still felt shame. The shame is gone. So, if you've read my threads, you will know that my marriage is breaking up. This has been really hard on me and my husband. I love him but am no longer in love with him. Due to some of my baggage, I've complained over the course of many marriage that I wasn't emotionally or physically fulfilled. I made my wants known. A lot. BUT, I never ever said, hey, you know, I NEED to feel emotionally connected with my partner in order to be happy. I NEED to be physically fulfilled in order to be happy. Why? Because I felt bad for having needs. I felt anxiety and frustration. But as I've gotten older, I realized it is OK to need things and expect your partner to meet you half way. Was it his total fault he didn't meet them? Hell no! We both tried. He tried. I tried. We can't communicate. But it wasn't going to work because it can't. Because I need things he can't give me. And he needs things I can't give him. I cannot love him the way he deserves to be loved. And you know what, I NEED to explore my sexuality with women. I do not want to deny that part of myself anymore!! I can't!! If I die tomorrow, at least I will be satisfied in my heart that I don't feel that shame anymore (or as much!!) My biggest regret right now is I will be splitting up my kids home. However, the silver lining is I can always be the type of mom I want to be with them. I will never stop guiding them, loving them, cheering for them, encouraging them, teaching them. I might not see them 3 days of the week in person, but I can call, Skype, and the time I do have with them will be valuable. And, my husband is a good dad. They will be loved and supported. What's more, chances are one of my children or one of their friends will at some point question their sexuality. I want to teach them to live without shame in all things. Don't be afraid to advocate for your needs. If a relationship is not nurturing you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, it may be time to reevaluate it. Some partnerships are not meant to last, and if it needs to end, treat each other with respect. Love yourself. Admit your faults. Give yourself the gift of grace. Value diversity. Thanks for reading.
Hey OED27x, Those are some beautiful, honest thoughts! Thank you so much for being so open and for sharing your wonderful insights! I wish you and all of your family members all the best!
OED27x so proud for you and honestly I got a little sad inside only because I know the pain it takes to do this , and emotional openess is new for me. So congratulations love life love life and be happy
Wow OED27x - This was beautiful to read! I am so happy for you to hear you are in a place of acceptance and even pride. Good on you!!!!!!!! It can't have been easy to go through all this and come to this place so I am celebrating your happiness from afar (!) Everything you write, about your husband and your marriage breakdown I am experiencing too. And everything about your children and your relationship with them echo's my same feelings about my kids. I hope that one day when I am living the life I have chosen, or rather has chosen me, that I can lead by example about following your heart and having the strength and integrity to live an authentic life. I mean, isn't that what we are all here for trying to achieve? Being our truest self, living with passion and purpose? I just wanted to say well done. Thank-you for being a shining light of inspiration here. I wish you every happiness moving forward!
Wow, that was emotionally moving. And I don't get emotionally moved that often... I am happy for you, that you are able to accept and take pride in your sexuality. I am glad that you are able to move on from a relationship that wasn't working. I hope the best for you, your family, and your future. We live our lives to find happiness, and I'm sure with your current mindset you will reach it. I hope that you are able to live your life however you so choose :3
Wow! Thank you for sharing that with us. You are brave, courageous and inspiring. I hope you meet an amazing woman.
Thank you OED27x. I am sure I will reread your words many more times. Like you I have been moving towards a place of increasing acceptance. I don't think I am quite at the pride stage yet - still too ambivalent for that - but I HAVE felt calmer, happier and more peaceful when I am in acceptance mode. On the flip side, when I try to resist, I feel crushed and defeated....
Thank you OED27x for sharing where you are in your journey! Beautiful post. So much resonated with me--especially that you NEED to be emotionally and physically connected and fulfilled in a relationship. And your celebration of that! My whole life I too felt bad for having needs...and even worse, I didn't even acknowledge that I had a RIGHT to have needs! It was somehow like my needs didn't count in life so I just went along with the flow. It wasn't until about 46 (and my eye-opening journey in my first lesbian relationship) that I realized it's OKAY to have needs, and not just to have them but to have them fulfilled! Seems so simple, and yet for me it just wasn't. I have followed your posts, and I understand the break up of your marriage and the concern for your children has weighed heavily on you. And even when we know in our soul that a decision is right, it doesn't necessarily make it easy. You are pushing through and persevering with strength and grace. And you are right, you will be living a life of authenticity, your children will pick up on this. You will impart in them a beautiful lesson--that whoever they are is to be celebrated. It is never something to be ashamed of, never something to hide. This is such a gift to give to them. Thank you again for your post-your journey is inspirational to all of us here who are walking a similar path!
Your kids will be better off in the long run learning to be true to themselves by the example you are setting for them - Your being a great mom indeed!
Today I'm scared. Today I question whether I can stand on my own two feet. Today the draw of denial feels stronge. But I won't run away. I won't deny my truth. I just don't know where life will take me but wherever it does I will go with honesty and integrity. Rock on LGBT crew.
Bless you OED27x. I understand this sudden downturn. This is happening to me often DOWN - scared, UP - flying above all those worries. Crazy emotions. Keep going with honesty and allow yourself to truly feel compassion and empathy for others who struggle - whatever their struggle - give them a moment of your time in daily life - because people pick up if you're showing compassion and love - I have seen it their eyes...
