For us late in life gals...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and I'm sure you're not a bad partner.

You shouldn't feel guilty some couples grow apart. And it's not necessarily a sexuality thing, sometimes it is, sometimes peeps get married too young or discover they don't really have anything in common.

I don't really understand women which sucks when you want a relationship with one.

In the past, in my meagre experience communication has been a problem in my relationships. I'm not good at expressing myself and I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone to talk about sex etc

I hope you find a woman who makes you happy and that together you have a fulfilling relationship

 

I can't be much help here, because I'm still questioning my sexuality. It is quite possible I'll wind up deciding I'm straight after all. I also haven't had any long-term relationships with guys.

HOWEVER, I definitely relate to what you said here. I have had a grand total of three crushes (I'm 21), all on guys. However, they never went anywhere—even though in one case the guy wanted it to. Even though I'd been on some level feeling romantically towards him for about a year, I just knew somehow that an actual romantic relationship with him would not be fulfilling. As for the others that didn't pan out because of a lack of interest on the guy's side (or a lack of clarity on mine; it's hard to say), I don't look back on them with any regret. I can't find it in me to wish they had gone somewhere.

I have also been on two dates, both times with guys who were very kind, who didn't push me, and with whom I was comfortable as people. Yet with both I felt a very strong sense that I did not want the relationship to develop—that for indefinable reasons they would be unfulfilling. (I knew both guys quite well by that point; so I working with more information than just a date!)

That general sense extended more-or-less to all guys—before I started considering women this year, I was getting very used to the idea of never getting married, and was strongly considering that I might just not be the romantic type (a little premature at 21, perhaps; but the feeling was there).

At the same time, I fully relate to your concerns—what if it's just that I suck at relationships? What if I just don't know how to open myself up to romance; how to love another deeply and be loved in return? I mean, I haven't even managed any extremely close friendships, so . . . Maybe the problem isn't that I innately want to be with guys instead of girls; maybe the problem is just me.

So yeah, no answers there . . . but I definitely relate, within the scope of my limited experience.

 

I was very emotionally fulfilled with my husband for most of our marriage, maybe too much so. I leaned on him too much. But he was my best friend before we became romantically involved. Physically...there was certainly something missing, with the exception of a couple of periods in our marriage. I've been picturing myself with women a long time in my head.

I've had boyfriends, I've been married and I've enjoyed the relationships. So it makes me wonder a lot of the time why I'm questioning; is it just physical? But I have a deep craving and have had it to want to know what I could have with another woman, both physically and emotionally.

 

Ive honestly never understood men and have always found a lot missing. There was always something missing in my attraction to them. Sex was awkward and weird to me. Ive never found mens bodies attractive, but really actually boring. I felt like I had to fake attraction to men when I was younger to fit in, and the same as I was older. Its so weird to me that I could never question WHY I was faking attraction, as though that was something normal.

For me the coming out process was a slow awakening ... like all of these layers of denial were being pulled away. I still struggle a little at times with the denial.

 

Great question to bring up. And no, there is definitely not something 'inherently wrong' with you!

For me, I would say yes--in my relationships with men there was something missing. But I really only understood this through my experience of being with a woman. When I was in relationships with men I wasn't really aware that something was missing, I just sort of thought that was just the way it was. Or maybe I did have some awareness that my emotional needs weren't being met, but just blamed this on myself, as in, 'well I'm too needy/messed up etc. anyway, no one will ever really get me...'

Upon reflection it is the emotional piece always missing with men...the physical was okay (in that I was able to enjoy sex with men.) But it never was a soul connection for me, it was just more of a physical act. And this made me sad, but again, I just thought it was me.

Fast forward to meeting a woman who excited me all sorts of ways, intellectually, emotionally and physically. We developed a very strong emotional connection that had me on top of the world. She aroused feelings in no man ever had...all so confusing to me! We had this strong friendship first, it was like we truly got to know each others souls.

We became a couple only after this strong foundation had been built--and sex with her, even hand holding with her, made me realize that I HAD been missing something in all these relationships with men. That it wasn't me, I wasn't 'broken' or too needy or any of that. That for me, being emotionally fulfilled by someone is what makes the sex an absolute soul connection...the physical expression of love that I longed for all along! And that I find this fulfillment with women. (And, upon reflection it is very clear that I have ALWAYS had an attraction to women, to women's thought processes, their essence, their bodies, gravitated to lesbian porn. But that certainly wouldn't have been 'allowed' in my family. So I just did what was 'right' and expected.)

 

I always felt like something was missing. I tried many times to find that earth moving moment but it never came. I thought like you that there was something wrong with me! A had several sexual partners when I was younger, 3 proper relationships and 4 children later I realised at 52 years of age I was looking in the wrong place. I did finally feel that excited, thrilling, totally turned on aroused moment with a woman. It wasn't reciprocated but I knew then that I had wasted a lot of years trying to find something in a man that just wasn't for me!

There isn't anything wrong with you, you just haven't met the right partner yet, like most of us later in life ladies. I just think if we had realised earlier on we wouldn't be who we are now. We may not even have our children. As much as I regret losing some of my years I love my kids and would not want that part of my life to have been any different.

The bit you put about your private sex life... I feel just the same. I haven't had sex for 15 years! Never missed it, don't fancy it and the thought of being with a man now repulses me. I sometimes drift off (daydream) somewhere now thinking about a certain someone and how it would have been with her. I can get instantly excited thinking of her. It saddens me to think that will never be, but I am also excited to find out how it is being with a woman I am looking forward to making up lost time x And not just being intimate. I want to feel the connection like Moonsparkle described.

Nerdbynature. You are such a caring, considerate and understanding person I find it hard to believe that someone has not snapped you up! I also think you haven't met the right lady. When you are feeling a bit better about yourself you need to go and join some LGBT groups. Make some new friends. Friends first, get to know them and make sure they feel the same for you and you connect before taking it further. I am sure when you have met that right person that you will connect in a way so fantastic that you will not feel awkward or shy x

 

For me, I can remember sex feeling as if I was on the outside, looking in...I was reading somewhere else about good sex being about enjoying being together and connecting, without focusing on orgasm as a goal. In the end I gave up on trying to orgasm myself and accepted that most of the time it wouldn't happen for me. For many years in my marriage I realise that I was just focusing on the goal, while my H actually wanted to please me and enjoy the journey there. I was happy enough to have a quickie, while he wanted to take it slowly. But I just got bored and found myself disengaging from anything that could've been more slow and sensual. I thought that this was down to me being not a very romantic person at heart. And I did come to resent the fact that if I started any sort of cuddle or hand holding it was understood as a prelude to having sex. This caused me to with hold physical contact, so that I wouldn't be misconstrued. This caused him to feel resentful of me, hurt and unloved. Sometimes I wonder if I am just bad at anything to do with sex?

And yet, and yet...I am inherently a sensual person. Apart from some kind of emotional spark, and intensity between us, her sense of humour and, strangely, her shyness - one of the things that drew me to my catalyst were her hands and how she used them to express her feelings. When I took the lid off a bottle of gorgeously scented massage oil in a shop a few months back, the image that sprang unbidden to my mind was of how I would like to massage it into her back and inhale her skin. In the past, if I had opened that bottle, I would have imagined how pleasant it would be for my H to massage that oil into my back - but if I am really honest I would never have felt turned on by the thought of doing this to him... May be this is partly because he says stuff like massage does nothing for him...Or may be it is just about my feelings towards him...Or may be it is about my sexual orientation...I don't know...

 

I was never really "connected" with my husband and certainly not sexually. I kept trying because I knew that I "should be" hetero but I never have been hetero in my life. I realized that about 5 years ago at a very late stage in my life! I have always been lesbian, not bi, lesbian. I know now that women were my only interest as far back as I remember but I also knew that I was supposed to like and be attracted only to men. Most of my life I have enjoyed lesbian fantasy and masturbation to satisfy myself. I knew then that I was lesbian. But I persisted with marriage because it wasn't "normal" to be lesbian in my family or with my friends. So I'm still in the closet but I can happily tell you that I only think of women, only look at women and only want to be with women at this point in my life. I am not out except to a couple lesbian friends. I still enjoy my lesbian fantasy life during masturbation (and you're never too old to masturbate!). I am so at ease with myself once I just let myself be lesbian and quit trying to make relationships with men. Even if I don't meet a woman this late in my life, I like knowing who I am. It's comforting to know myself.

 

Hi OED27x,

I privately wondered about my sexuality as a teenager. It was easy, or so I thought because I didn't know another way at the time, to feel content when dating men. I even felt genuinely in love with a guy while in college. I didn't understand what I was missing emotionally and intimately until I allowed myself to *fully* fall for a woman. It took a lot of self-exploration and vulnerability to get to this point, but it's a feeling I honestly don't think I could have ever achieved with a male. Before this, I invested a lot of effort into trying to make my life happy and manageable with my college boyfriend. I had convinced myself for a period of time that I could probably live the rest of my life that way since I wasn't necessarily *unhappy*. I ended up having an epiphany, and took the steps to embrace myself and live my life authentically. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. As for the guilt your described...I think most people experience that feeling. It was very difficult ending a relationship with my college boyfriend who didn't deserve to go through heartbreak...but I do believe the relationship would have become more and more upsetting due to my lack of investment and doing things out of obligation and not love. When I felt stuck, I tended to be more difficult to be with, complained more, was emotional etc...mostly because I was not being honest with myself and couldn't see an easy way out. I learned over the years that talking to unbiased people (therapy was great) was really helpful in navigating through all though challenges that came up for me. It sounds like you already know what the missing link is in your marriage. Best wishes

 

I do feel very disconnected from my husband. But I don't think that has anything to do with my sexuality at all. There has been many years of verbal and occasionally physical abuse that I can't get past. My husband seems to think I can just move forward and forget the bad times. Not possible. And so now he's on a mission to make me fall in love with him again. Again...not possible, not only because of the abuse in the past but also the fact is, he's just not my type anymore (when I say wrong type I mean wrong gender).

My point is, there can be so many reasons why there is a disconnect, that most likely doesn't even have anything to do with you. It takes two to make a relationship.

 

Been there. I was never happy in my marriage to my husband. I was trying to be what everyone expected. Happily married with kids. I spent years avoiding sex. My ex husband was a terrible communicator so he just assumed we were on different schedules. Finally I couldn't deal with being unhappy and we divorced. It was only after that that I realized I've always been gay. The gray cloud lifted. I am not excited to find out who the real me is.

 

Looking back, I think part of me knew that I was not really straight. I lived in a small town in a conservative state and grew up in a conservative church. I spent so many years seeking reassurance that no one thought I was "weird" or that "something was wrong with me" because I wasn't bringing home boyfriends to meet the parents or had to say "oh nothing serious yet" when asked about relationships at family gatherings.

I spent many years wanting a relationship SO bad with a guy -- but I think it was more so that I could be accepted as opposed to really wanting the relationship for the right reasons. Looking back on my more serious relationships, I think I chose ones that I knew I could find a good reason to end (other than the fact that I might be a lesbian) when ever the topic of marriage came up.