Hi, I think I am finally ready to come out but I have no idea how to broach the subject or what to say to my wife. What kind or questions should I expect. Can anyone give me any advice regarding that or point me to the right threads. For the past 3 years I have been trying to get my wife to establish a relationship with her therapist but she refused to go after one session as she thought it was too expensive and because she thought she did not need it. I think she has grown into a much stronger person since she moved to the US 3 years ago but I'm still scared about how hard it will hit her when I come out. Our financial stability is tied to my career and I have no idea how I am going to convince her that even though I am coming out, I don't intend on abandoning her or our son until she is done with school and financially stable. I have already been on this journey for 4 years and feel as if its about time I did something. At 31 I had decided I did not want to waste more years of my life in the closet. I'm almost 33 now and feel like the time is right. I wanted to give my wife some time to settle down in the US and go to therapy but since that is probably not going to happen I think I might as well just do it. Thoughts, comments, advice, all are welcome.
A good way to start (and how I did) may be to write all your thoughts down on a piece of paper. Be honest and transparent. Take time to write it so it truly reflects how you feel. Read it, read it and read it again. The more times you read it, the better it will reflect how you truly feel. Be sure it is written to establish clarity for here. The more clarity, the better she can process things. Based on some mistakes I made! I would suggest to be careful about writing anything which you "think she wants" to hear compare to writing what "she needs to here"; as this might cause confusion down the road. In other words, try not to sugar coat things and make commitments you may not be able to keep. Then, once written, find a quite time to sit with her. Tell her your gay and then give her the letter,
As "in the highway" already knows my story since I have been on ere since early this year and as a married man of almost 30 years and coming out to my wife not on my terms as She discovered I was sleeping with guys behind her back, OTH is right . Have clarity when you feel ready to tell her. My only regret is that I didn't tell her she found out . That really put a huge wall up between my wife and me. We have worked hard with IC and MC to get to a point where our conversations are open and honest (even though my wife still has some walls up, but slowly coming down). Remember one thing, you have known own about your same sex attraction for a long time and have been able to process it , when you come out to your wife this will the shock of her life . That being said having empathy and love for her is so important and being totally honest about your feelings will be so important . This won't be easy as for my wife she has known now for 7 months I have known for 30 years or so. Keep us up to date how it goes , and good luck
Hi oldpulteney While thinking and preparing for the conversation is important, there are other things to consider as well. I blogged about some things to consider when coming out based on my own experience - Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay . A related and very important question is how do you feel about being gay? Do you feel shame or guilt about being gay If so (and most guys do) this is caused by internalized homophobia that you picked up growing up that being gay is wrong or evil. Coming out to your wife and others is a great way to start to heal the shame. Other ideas can be found here - Healing the shame of being gay. Healing the shame and internalized homophobia is a very important of your journey towards authenticity, so try and get out in front of it.
