Too much drink

A lighter post from me today x I have had a dodgy couple of weeks but feel so much better and calmer this weekend as apposed to last weekend. And that is mainly down to all the support and love I have had from my EC friends. THANK YOU !!!!

Just wanted to share a something that happened to me last night. And I really have to limit my drinks lol. I haven't drunk for years, (apart from the night I began this journey) but over the last year, finding the real me and experiencing this emotional journey I am on at the moment, I seem to have reverted back to a younger version of myself. The middle part of my life seems to be a bit of a blur. But I am liking the new me and not really caring about what others think of me or what I have to say. If they don't like me then they can jog on!

A friends birthday meal, busy pub. There were 8 of us last night. Really good evening, lots of laughs. I had far too much to drink. No one else was drinking. I had a bad week at work last week and was having a bit of a moan to the friend to my left. I was sat on the end of the table. The friend opposite heard and joined the conversation and as most of the other women have or have had a connection with my workplace they all joined in and we had a big chat about it. I had a good rant and felt better for sharing.

Then I came out with this. " I suppose with what I have going on at the moment it made
it all seem worse" Meaning that I wouldn't normally have got annoyed over the work issue without the fact I am struggling with all these feelings at the moment.

The whole table went quiet. They all looked at me with such concern. I had consumed 5 pints of lager by this time and suddenly realised what I had said! My best friend was first... "right" she said. What's going on? I must have gone so red. I thought for a moment "shall I" I didn't... I thought of something else work related and threw that in. A couple accepted it but 2 of my closest friends obviously didn't!

5 of my friends went home, and these 2 stayed and was just looking at me. I had suspected that they knew something was up but now I knew they had been thinking that. I just said I'm too drunk to talk now and promise soon I will have a chat with you.

A friend dropped me home, she asked again and I just got out of the car.

So, I think it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I have 2 friends that now will want to talk to me. Not them being nosey but they care. I did chuckle when I got in... I came so close to coming out big time! 8 in one go. It took me 10 months to get up the courage to tell one friend. It's not how I had planned to come out. I wanted to go to a few meetups before telling anyone else, but I think these 2 will not drop this now.

Typing this in bed. I did enjoy the beers, but even though I feel like I am a teenager again the body certainly takes longer to recover haha

(!)

 

Nerdbynature that is what I am going to do x I have a meetup on Monday so will see how that goes. I have thought a lot about how and when I would come out to more friends and felt in no rush. But everytime we all meet up now I just get this overwhelming urge to blurt it out.

Patrick7269 I did confide in someone a couple of months ago. I had to. She isn't in this friend group. I have known her for 25 years. She has been amazingly supportive and is my rock at the moment. She is the only one at the moment that I feel comfortable and at ease around. I told her tonight what had happened at dinner yesterday and she said that I should have just said it. She said I would have got 8 out of the way in one go! It did make me laugh!

Peterpangirl I also feel I need to be honest with these friends. I feel a little lost when we are all together. I thought at one point that I was outgrowing them, needing more, something I couldn't get from out get togethers anymore. My friend said she thinks it's simply that I can't share what I am going through at the moment so I hold back. I think she's right.

I just need to work out what to say if they ask how this started. I can't mention my catalyst as they will ask who it is and that can never come out. I think one friend who doesn't mince her words will ask. I am stumped on this one and I don't want to get emotional and tell them about 'her' So I do need to be prepared. And I think I will tell the 2 of them together. I have a couple of weeks to decide as our next night out is the 5th May. x

 

Moonsparkle I am quite excited about tomorrow evening. A few butterflies but I am really looking forward to it. I sat in bed earlier and typed a bit about each of the friends that I am hoping to come out to very soon. Then I clicked the close button by mistake and lost the bloody lot. It was too long a post anyway hahaha. I think one of my friends will be like the lady you spoke of... I can just imagine her saying "it's the menopause. Have you actually been with a woman. Who is it. It's just a phase" I do think the world of her but we do have very different ideas on some things.

I have decided not to tell my boys yet. I think explaining to my friends that I fell for someone and that didn't work out will be ok. I think that if I meet someone then that will be the time for me to tell my sons. Then it's just a simple explanation rather than the truth. And I can't actually tell anyone the truth. I have decided just to say 'don't ask' If any of my friends start digging too deep. I will simply say 'that's all I can share' We are all very close friends and know so much about each other and our families. This one particular friend I mentioned will ask 'where did you meet her. Do we know her... oh my goodness. My head is buzzing. I can't wait till tomorrow night, to sit with this group and actually be able to be myself. And I will be on here when I get home posting an update xxx

Rana. It took 10 months for me to be able to tell someone. I have a really close friend and I knew she would be the one I told. She has been very busy doing a degree and studies all the time. One night after I had been out I text her to see if she was still up. She was knackered and said she was in bed. I think she realised I needed to talk and told me to come round. It was about 1am. I didn't go that night but said we need to go out properly. The following week we went into town. Found a very lively pub and had lots to drink. It was so noisy in the pub we couldn't talk. I felt sick the entire evening. I had told her the week before that I wanted to talk and she had to make me talk. We decided to walk home. It's a 3 mile walk to her house and on the way It all came out. She was so upset that I had felt like this and not felt I could share with her. She gave me a big cuddle and I sobbed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She is my rock. I would have gone mad if it hadn't been for her and this site.

Rana I hope you feel able to tell your friend soon. It really helps. You will have someone that you can be your real self around. And she may even go along to support you for some LGBT meetups. My friend is coming to one next weekend with me. That's a club. Drink and music. The one I am going to tomorrow is a bar and chatting. I have never been so sociable. Won't be drinking too much though. I'm too old now, it takes ages to recover.

 

Well... a mix of emotions. I had my first LGBT meetup set last night. I popped home and was just grabbing something to eat and saw that my catalyst had unfriended me on facebook. You have all been helping me through a bad couple of weeks after she had messaged me after 4 months of no contact. Although the contact hadn't been bad it had unsettled me. I have had a feeling that something else was coming. Now she was gone. I feel a bit pathetic that I had noticed straight away her profile had gone. I felt sick. I should not be surprised she did that. From what I have learnt from other people on here, no contact in these situations is sometimes the best thing to do. But after feeling upset first that she had done this, I wondered if she had decided to tell the family what had happened. Although there would be nothing to gain from this, and she had said she wouldn't.

I sat in front of my food and my appetite disappeared. I thought to myself how totally fed up I was that my stomach could turn and I could feel so sick and low so quickly!

I sat for about ten minutes and then got up, got ready and left. I had to go to this meetup. I had no idea what to expect or what I wanted from it... but I knew I had to go. Even if it was a train journey and some fresh air. If I had stayed home I would have probably ended up in bed.

The venue was about an 1.15hr away. I had just missed a train so had to wait 20 minutes. Arrived at the other end and then had to find the bar which was in a little alley way. As soon as I walked in it felt a cosy, lively little pub. The meetup was upstairs and the organiser had said they had use of the room till 9.15pm, so it was only their group. I headed upstairs and stuck my head round the door. I thought I had messed up. It was all men. It was LGBT over 45s, I then spotted a younger woman in the corner sitting with a young man. I must have taken so many things into my brain in such a short space of time. I nearly turned and walked but someone said "hello".

He asked my name... which I hesitated in giving! I then introduced myself. Handshakes with a few men and then I was introduced to a lady that obviously was the ladies meet and greet person. She was lovely, she gave me a quick run down of the group and a little about herself. It was only her 3rd meeting in this group. She seemed really at home. Another lady then arrived. Making a total of 3, not including the very young woman in the corner. She seemed to know the first lady and began chatting. It turned out it was her first meeting too. She was just very outgoing.

We had a chat, grabbed a table. It did end up with the 3 of us on one table and the men sitting at other tables. We thought they were all group regulars and had their friends. Also the pub quiz was about to begin, so they were getting in their teams.

The ice was broken. The pub quiz over and we were told that they had a visiting speaker. Enter the young lady in the corner. Well... I shit myself. The young couple were from a company that makes documentaries for Channel 4! (no cameras) or I would have been gone. They wanted to speak to older people who were coming out later in life!!! I felt like I had 'later in lifer' written across my head. They were very pleasant. They chatted to the outgoing lady that I was sitting with who had come out when she was 16. Then they spoke to the other lady I sat with, who came out when she was 37. Her partner had passed away. Then they said hello to me. Well, I said it as my first visit and not ready to share anything like that yet.

They wandered off and were speaking to other group members and then I did start chatting. In fact we didn't stop. It was lovely. The atmosphere was lovely, people seemed so calm and chilled in this group. After a few others had left, the outgoing lady said it was a shame that we were segregated. She had chosen this group because it was LGBT and she thought it would be more mixed. Well, after she said that we found out that 80% of the people were there on their first visit too. We all moved our chairs round and sat talking for about an hour about all sorts of stuff. It was really fun.

We have all decided that we will go to the next one. We are even working on getting some more women to go. The outgoing lady has given me some others venues that she has been to, a couple that are all women.

I said I had to go as I did have work early this morning and knew it would be 3 trains back as they don't do a direct train later in the evenings near me. She asked if I would like some company of the walk to the station and that she could get the train instead of the bus. I can not believe how I felt so comfortable with this total stranger. We chatted so easily. I was surprised at what I was telling her. Her train came first. She asked if I would be coming to the next one and I said yes I definitely would be. She gave me a big hug and ran off to her train.

It took nearly 2 hours for me to get home. When I go again I will have to plan the trains better. My friend lives by the station and she had texted me to send her love and hoped I was having a good time. I ended up sitting in her kitchen at midnight, with a box of chicken from the chicken shop. I had realised when I got off the train that I hadn't finished my dinner. I was starving! I had in fact forgot what had happened before I went out. I had an evening of chatting and relaxation and I felt so much better.

I had an incredibly great day at work. I felt refreshed and somehow quite empowered. I still feel good today. I went completely out of my comfort zone. And I am looking forward to their next meetup next month. I even got a message from the outgoing lady telling me I had to let shit go. Think more of myself and that there is alight at the end of the tunnel once I get through this stage.

I got some of my own work done tonight as well. I ate a full dinner and think that this week I am going to tell my other close friend.

I thought today about my catalyst. I do not think she will tell the family. I think she needs space from seeing me and it is probably the best thing. I also thought if she does tell them I would just have to deal with it. I don't think I could get any lower than I have already been, so I will deal with that if and when it happens.

I read something today 'You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future' I get so much from reading these quotes at the moment. So many of them resonate with me. I am looking forward to learning more about the real me. Love you all EC mates x

 

Thank you for all those lovely messages. I felt really good at work today. It feels like I have shifted a barrier. It's easy for me to say this now as I have been, I was a nervous wreck but I would urge you not to delay in going to a meet up if it is something you have been considering. I went to an LGBT one, just a social evening. Over 45s. It wasn't dating or anything like that. I just needed to make some friends and think I have done that. I will go to the next one, they are monthly on a Monday. It killed me getting up for work the next day, but it was worth it.

As for my catalyst I will finish my story. I have never told all of it, but it may make sense why I feel that we have to stay in touch. I actually feel I can share this now as even though I am not speaking the words, putting this down has been impossible for me before. I do feel lighter today.

My son met a girl while he was working abroad. She was on holiday where he was working... she was from the other side of the world. They had a fairy tale relationship, followed by a fairy tale wedding in her country. After he had visited her family they decided to emigrate. Her family were awesome. We all fell in love with each other and couldn't believe how lucky we all were. I went for the wedding with my others lads, we all got on so well. I went back the following year to meet my new granddaughter. And then two years later to meet the next grandchild. Then shit hit. On the last visit I could tell their was tension between my son and his wife. I hadn't known this. Skypes had been deceiving.

I spoke to my daughter in laws mum and said we needed to talk. Enter my catalyst. We went for lunch. had a few drinks and discussed what had been happening. A few drinks later we headed back to my sons house. We all sat down for a chat. 2 more bottles of wine at least. I couldn't eat as I was too full on wine. We had a really productive family meeting. Followed by more wine. The younger adults and grandkids went into the other room and I stayed with the other grandmother, drinking more wine and chatting. This is where it all began. We had a real deep conversation about many things. Things she surprised herself at telling me. I opened up and told her how I felt about her. She was very surprised but understanding.

We had the spare room. She was staying. Her husband was at her house. I don't remember going to the bedroom, but I was aware when we were in the bed together.

I started by stroking her stomach. I didn't move up, just her stomach. She asked what I was doing. I don't remember answering. I moved my hand down to between her legs. She wasn't naked, but I did start to rub. I do remember this bit! By now I felt like there was electricity running through me. I felt that I was looking through someone else's eyes and that I would wake up any minute. I have had this dream many times before. But this one was electrifying. I continued rubbing, she did start to make some noise and said "gently" . I was gone... I then moved closer too her and said that I had never felt so turned on in my entire life! Then bang! She said "no, I'm not having sex" and within seconds was up dressed and left the room. My son and his wife were in the next room. Grandkids asleep along the hall. I was so pissed, virtually the moment she had left the room I passed out.

It felt like I woke minutes later. It was light outside. I text her straight away. I had sobered up quick. I just felt like someone had put their hand in my stomach and twisted my gut.

She text back. "It's just drunken nonsense". I only had one day left. I didn't do anything fun in my last day with my grandkids as I was wrecked with guilt and embarrassment. I made out I was hungover and laid on the sofa all day. The next morning I had a 36 hour flight. I sat and stared into space virtually all the way home. I stayed in bed for a week crying. I went back to work and made out I had hit the menopause as I had to have an excuse for my behaviour. We continued to stay in touch by text. Sometimes messaging for hours. One night she asked if I was a lesbian and I replied no. At that time I had no idea what the fuck I was!

One night she text and she had been drinking. I had to ask her. I had to ask what she had been thinking when she asked me to be gentle. She said she was thinking of her husband, she was also very drunk. She had stopped it when she realised it was me. She said she wasn't that way. She was flattered that I felt that way. She said that it couldn't happen again and that we were only grandmas. Then I had to go and say, "nothing will happen unless you want it to" That was it. I didn't hear from her for 4 months. That was until the other night, when she said we should move on.

So that's the lot. That's why she felt invaded. The situation now is that I am not going back to see the family as she is there and I don't even think I can bear to see her. She will probably not want to be any where near me. It could come out what happened and that could be disastrous. This year I can't afford it anyway, but next year would be when I would have planned to go back!

I can not believe I have put all this down. It wasn't as hard as I thought. I am sure the family know nothing. I don't think my daughter in law would be able to not say anything. She is more like a daughter to me than a daughter in law. Since that night they have sorted their problems and have a solid relationship now and they are fantastic parents. Everytime I look at any of them I see 'her'

I have taken on board advice I have been given about looking after myself. I know i can not go back. I can't change what had happened. I do think if I had not come on this site, and not opened up to my friend I could have done something very stupid.

It can only be moving up now as I don't think I could have got any lower. xxx

 

Peterpangirl. Songs. I listen to slow sad songs now and can relate to so many of their meanings. I hated slow songs. That word yearning, sums a lot up. Wanting something so bad that it hurts. Eyes. I could get lost in her eyes. She had this profile pic that I am sure she put on after this had happened. Beautiful photo, just looking at it had me 'yearning' . And the times I would just get so hot, not just turned on but literally roasting when I was near her or just thinking of her at times. I have spent hours just sitting, thinking and looking into space, not being able to focus on anything. The last 2 days I have felt better. The twisted gut has started to unwind. I can't look at that photo of her now as she has gone from my facebook. I do have other photos, 1000s of them. Wedding, holiday, WhatsApp, but I'm not going to look at them for a while. I do need to distance while i'm feeling a bit better. I know how easy it is for that knot to come back. I am actually thinking now that if she does get back in touch I may not answer her. She knows nothing of my time on here or what I have put or how I feel. The conversation has always been towards making her feel better. If there ever was another conversation I may just let her know all of this.

You put a bit on here somewhere about being scared to be vulnerable again by falling for someone else. I think we need to. Maybe not yet, but I know I want to feel this again, with someone that returns it. How magical would that be?

Silverhalo, they are wise words and I have taken them on board. Some space and healing now, I need to gain some strength and move on. I'm sure I am going to have lots more high and lows, but I know now they don't last forever and it's all part of getting better