Christmas night I was very bored but could not sleep, so I turned on HBO and this movie called Carol caught my eye. My normal movie choices are action, SCI Fi, thrillers, and horror movies. Everything about this movie just moved me from the costumes, music, to the acting. Just the way the actors were able to communicate through looks emotionally slayed me. I recorded it and watched it at least a hundred times almost each time finding something I didn't see before, it was like I was studying it. I told my co-workers, friend about it and even made my husband watch it. I think everyone got tired of hearing me talk about it lol. I then proceeded to watch every Lesbian movie available on Netflix as well as the L Word. My husband jokingly got annoyed that I messed up the movies that Netflix now suggests to us. So I started thinking about myself trying to evaluate my feelings. One night I pulled out all of my photo albums to look for clues about myself. I have always been a tom boy and preferred to play with toys like He Man or GI Joe and remember throwing fits about having to dress girly. Anyways the photos showed that I could have been a nice looking boy lol this was even after I was an adult and married. Also looking at pictures of myself with different women brought up feelings I hadn't really thought about for a while. I also found this forum and started lurking :icon_bigg . I think I have always had feelings for women but just never acted on it but never really tried to hide it either. I remember at 15 girls asking me which celebrity I had a crush on and I said Clint Eastwood because I couldn't think of anyone I liked. For awhile I thought I had no sexual inclination. Around the same time range I had a best friend that I had really strong feelings for (romantic maybe not exactly sure sexually) I know I loved her, I met my husband closely after. He didn't like my friend because he said she was slutty. Looking back I think she knew that I liked her and she liked the attention. Anyways she got pregnant junior year and got sent to LA and I left for the Army a year later. Through my Army years there was one or two women I bonded with and felt love for but nothing happened. I never really questioned how I felt it just seemed normal. Lately I cannot get a memory of going to a strip club with my husband out of my head. I was at least 22 or so and we were drinking. The strippers all started coming up to us and offering my husband a lap dance, but he declined and told them to give me one instead. I remember choosing the woman I liked and being very excited about it all. She smelled so good and I remember her being so soft. I was excited but at the same time I talked to her the whole time to humanize her. I remember her telling me she had to take a lot of drugs to be able to do her job and I felt bad about that. Guilt aside I remember it being something that felt good body wise. I remember telling my husband that I really liked it. There are other things as well like flirting with woman over the internet while playing games and my husband didn't mind until he did lol even though he was flirting too. Anyways sorry for writing a book. I think I have repressed my feelings and they are starting to come back to the surface. For years I haven't even thought about sex or really wished to have it. I remember asking my co-worker when women were supposed to get their sex drive and she said in their thirties, which came and went without incident. Now I am in my fourties and trying to eat healthy, get in shape, and here comes my sex drive except it is more geared toward women. I think it is because I have been working on myself for the last two years and am starting to feel good about myself. Like other woman here I feel sad that I will not get to experience what it like to be with a woman. I guess if I had to put a label on myself I would say I am probably Bi. I have been noticing women a lot lately and feeling strong sexual attractions. It has been interesting exploring what my "type" is. Thankfully there is no one person that is driving me crazy because I don't think I could deal with that right now. I told my husband that I wanted to go to Pride this year and take our daughter. My daughter told me the other day that if I wanted to wear men's clothes I should just wear men's clothes lol. I love men's t-shirts but was looking for something in between work clothes and men's printed t's. I asked my daughter if she thought this would be the year to buy her some cute clothes instead of t-shirts with anime characters, since she is will officially be a teenager and she said she does not conform to social standards on how to dress lol. I feel a little bit obsessed right now about my sexual identity and am spending way too much time thinking about it all. I just started a new school for my bachelors degree and will be done with my vacation from work, so I am hopeful I will be too busy to think to much about all this. I had a four month gap from finishing up my Associates degree and I guess that was too much time on my hands.
Hi! I know what you mean about feeling obsessed with it. It's a huge thing that could change every area of your life, and yet you're supposed to- well, go on with life- in the meantime. Is your husband aware of your questioning? How is he dealing with it?
Kunoichi - I believe he is aware (i think) but we have not specifically discussed it. When he told me that I messed up what Netflix is now suggesting to us because of what I have been watching he said that he was sensing a trend, I laughed. He then proceeded to ask me if I was a pervert or a lesbian and I told him I didn't think I was a pervert. We both laughed we have a strange sense of humor (hope to not offend anyone). Do I think that means he would be okay with me having a relationship or even sex with a woman, the answer would be no. But hey he even upped the internet speed so i can use Firefox in the bedroom to watch said movies. I guess if watching movies and porn is all I do I think he is fine with it. I am happy that I found this forum so I know that I am not alone or going crazy. Also I have noticed the people are so nice to each other here and supportive. I think he knows I have attraction to females we have often joked about it like when he comments on a woman on tv and I give my impressions. I have not came right out and discussed it with him in a more serious manner. The other day I was going to the gym and then the grocery store and I mistakenly asked him if he wanted something from the gym instead of the store, he said yes a hot 20 year old woman I replied back that I was working on it. Of course I was joking since I am not actively looking for a relationship. I have in the past I overtly made comments to imply sex with a woman would be something I would interested in but his reply was only if he could watch and that is not something I would like to do (with him watching) and honestly I don't think he could handle it lol. Anyways sex is fine but I think I would want more. I am not a intimate or touchy feely person and I don't really like feelings lol but I think with a woman it would be different.
Welcome to EC Dreemingfreely. You are in the right place. You will find that putting your feelings down and hearing the responses of other members on here is going to be a life saver for how you are feeling right now. I haven't been a member long but I feel right at home and find myself signing in more and more to share and chat here to my EC family. You may find what you are feeling now is not going to be allowed to stay quiet within you. I won't go into my stuff on here but I have posted lots about how last year I fell in love with a women. I am 52 with 4 grown boys and till that moment when I fell in love I did not realise I was a lesbian. The last year has been quite a journey for me, highs and lows. Questioning my sexuality and going through a sort of transformation that I have not been able to repress. Netflix was my secret pleasure. I too watched all the lesbian films on there, binge watched the L Word. And the film Carol blew me away. That moment in the hotel room where Kate Blanchet undone her dressing gown, the other woman had been hoping for that to happen and her face... I watch that over and over. I lost lots of weight, got fit. Changed my hair colour and had a short cut. I feel really good in my skin at the moment. I just need to sort some feelings out and I thank heavens for EC as it's my lifeline. I would mention that I also feel mega horny most of the time to the point I actually get really hot. That has never been me. I have braved looking at lesbian porn. Curious to see if that aroused me. Yep. I watched some straight sex porn, not the same result. I find that type of porn obviously false, and it doesn't have the same effect that for example the film Carol did. That film is just amazing. Like you I have never been a tactile person. Only cuddled family, but recently I have become a more sensitive, touchy feeling person. I give hugs more often, and also accept them. Not that I want to have more contact with women for secret pleasure, I just feel more relaxed and comfortable with myself. I have never been a cuddly person with male partners, and hope and wish that if I do meet a women that we can spend lots of time curled up on the sofa on in bed watching TV and holding hands when out walking, as this feels so much more natural for me now. Like you I preferred mens clothes. I had attractions to other women that at the time I didn't realise that's what they were. I have looked over my past life and realised there were signs this was me. It took this woman to open my locked box of emotions and set me free. You may find now that you have started to realise and accept these feelings that you may one day happen across that 'one person' and you will not be able to ignore her. My catalyst turned my world upside down. A year on and I am just beginning to be able to deal with the emotions and feelings, and that has been mostly with the help of other EC members. PS I am awful for writing long posts. Once I start it just flows. I think it does us good, so never apologise for writing long posts. Jackie x
Now I can hardly stand to watch Carol because it seems to cut me so deep. I read the book twice as well. I cant seem to get enough of these type of movies. I have watched so many I think I will run out soon. About 2 years ago I started Weight Watchers at work and lost 50 pounds. I have done really well keeping it off with walking. Since the beginning of this year I started going to the gym and hitting it hard also started attending lunch time 30 minute boot camp at work. My weight didn't change much but my body did. I am not too concerned about a number on the scale anymore just that I feel and look good. I started lifting weights and I feel stronger more powerful too. It does seem to make me feel more aggressive though, which is not a bad thing mostly. Maybe 6 weeks ago I went to get a physical and my doctor freaked out because she said I was extremely anemic and told me to stop exercising. That was very depressing so I started back exercising but just not full speed like before. Now I am waiting for a referral to a specialist to see whats going (it sucks to get old). Oh and sometimes it feels like my husband is trying to pull me back into eating fastfood and crap. I really started to look at my health a couple years ago because of a lack of energy and the fact that my husband had a heart attack. They put a device in his chest and then later he had to have an angioplasty. He refuses to stop smoking and still thinks he can eat however he wants. So my thinking was I needed to be in better shape to be around for my kids (one is about to be a teen this year and the other is in his 20's and is going to school). Before all the heart problems my husband had 2 spinal fusions 12 years ago and has not worked since. He has been in constant pain. Anyways I think getting in better shape made me feel good about myself and rekindled the spark for life. I just didn't expect my thoughts to be so powerfully directed toward women. I have had this dream for most of my adult life where I am having sex with a woman but I am a man. I don't dream it that often but when I do it is powerful. Do I think this means I want to be a man? No not really. I have also had sexual dreams about woman that I care deeply for. I can never determine if I am a man in these dreams. I think I am just going to keep focusing on working on myself. In December I graduated from Community College and now I am working on my Business degree (I like to do most things in my own time I guess). I have a good job where I am now mostly comfortable with the people I work with. About a year ago my company and several subsidiary companies merged. This caused a big divide and my boss/friend of 14 years quit. We were running the whole office just the two of us for years. After she left management threw 6-7 people at me but I am not the boss. The last year I have been working with new people and trying to get to the level of competency we had with only two people. I was worried I would not fit in but it seems everyone loves me. It was a really rough year but now it is not so bad a place to work. My ex boss and now only friend emails me at least 10 times a day. We really miss each other. We have an emotional relationship only. She is 20 years older than me and I am not attracted to her. My family views her as one of our family. I guess my life has had many major changes in the past year or so.
I just typed this long reply and it said my post wouldn't be posted until a mod had a chance to look at it. This is strange. I swear I am going to have to start writing up my responses in word and then copying them over for fear of losing everything.
I am just happy that I found this forum and have a safe place to talk about my feelings. I have noticed from reading other posts that people here are very helpful, polite, and non-judge mental. I don't really feel that I have anyone that I can open up to and just say what I am actually thinking. I can talk to different people for different things in my life but not one that I can just say anything to. So I am really happy to be here. jackiecutt17- I agree with you that when Cate opens her robe and puts herself out there it just blows me away as well. I have watched the movie so many times that I almost cannot bear to watch it anymore. When I first watched it I didn't even think of it as a lesbian movie but as a very romantic love story. It seemed like the type of relationship everyone is looking to have. I stared working out and eating better because one I didn't feel good and two my husband had a heart attack a couple of years ago. They put in a defibulator and then later he angioplasty surgery. He doesn't take care of himself still smokes and thinks he can continue to eat the same. I came to the conclusion that he would not be here for too much longer. I felt I needed to address my health because I was afraid something would happen to me and my kids would suffer. I started weight watchers about 2 years ago and slowly lost 50 pounds. I was mostly just walking. The beginning of this year I started going to the gym a lot and joined a twice a week boot camp class at work. Also I started lifting weights, it helped me feel strong and powerful. So now I am about the same weight but have toned my body. I am not even close to being happy with my body shape lol but I am starting to see a more athletic shape starting to take hold. Sometimes I think my husband is trying to sabotage me because he insists on having fast food and eating crap. I am not sure if this is his own personal cravings or his insecurity of me bettering myself. I eat healthy mostly 80% of the time and am nowhere near to the clean eating I would like to be. We fight so much about me trying to make him eat healthier. Oh and he refuses to stop smoking.
I lost a lot of weight too. At 52, I realised I had fell in love for real for the first time and it was with a woman. I had lost too many years to a life of not being true to myself that I was determined I wasn't going to waste anymore. At the time I weighed just over 20 stone. I had eaten and drunk my way through many years of bringing children up and just letting myself go! I felt so old and couldn't even go upstairs without getting out of beathe. I had been in relationships that were not working for me... I just never made an effort with myself. I did what you did. I went on a diet. Low carb worked for me and I bought a cross trainer. I was addicted. I found working on myself helped me deal with the emotional pain I was experiencing. I couldn't get enough. I exercised every night for months. I did some weights for my arms and got upto 30km a session on my bike. I have lost over 5 stone and feel like a new person. I too had to stop the exercise. I got muscle fatigue really badly. It scared me. I have given up the exercise until I reach my goal weight. Low carb and extreme exercise don't mix. I want to lose another 2 stone then start introducing carbs again and then I can go back to my exercise. You have to do what makes you feel good. When I eat crap I feel crap. Food seriously has an effect on your feelings. It is his choice if he wants to continue eating that way and smoking. If it ends up in an argument that is upsetting you then you must do your own thing. maybe when he sees that you are not going to eat that way he may consider a change. I would think having that scare would have him on a real healthy regime.
All I know is that I HAVE to see this movie CAROL after what you guys have said about how good it is! So I have Netflix and checked, but its not available for streaming (AAARGH!) its Netflix DVD only...well I don't even own a DVD player anymore! I checked my cable providers ON-DEMAND movies, not there either! Anyway, I am now on a quest to try to stream this somewhere online! And Dreamingfreely, you are right, you can pretty much say whatever you want on EC, and you won't be judged at all, people are understanding and supportive! Many of us late in life gals are going through the same things, facing the same challenges, coming to the same conclusions about what we want in our lives now, and in the future. As you mentioned, most of us have also reflected on our past and find that attraction to women is something that has always been there. EC is just a nice place to be, to know that people here really do get it! Congratulations on your weight loss too !
Welcome to EC! It is such a helpful forum and we have all become fast friends in this virtual space. A couple of things really struck me with your post and I have been meaning to reply but with two little kids and errands on a Sunday = busy, busy! First off, LOVE the movie Carol!! Oh my god, it was beautiful. It spoke to me so much. I think about it all the time. Not to mention cate blanchett and Rooney Mara are amazing in the movie. Second, like many of us later in life gals, you have had transformations / your weight loss, your positive self image. And, we know that women spend a lot of their middle years raising children (and husbands) and through circumstance or divine intervention get the opportunity to awaken to their true selves. Anyway, welcome to the group. Hope you find it helpful as we all help each other sort out ourselves .
Moonsparkle. Do you have Amazon / amazon prime. I was able to watch free on there with my amazon subscription. I couldn't find it anywhere else. But I have just googled it and seen that you tube has it, £2.49 to view. I am not sure of the streaming differences and I know that can affect viewing in different countries. It really is a must. I didn't even know the contents when I first watched it. I couldn't believe it. Amazing. I also watched a random series on Netflix 'Last tango in Halifax' I just wanted something easy going to watch. That has a really good story. One character, headteacher falls for a woman. It's focused on 2 main characters and theirs families. So lots of different story lines. Her part is about her admitting her sexuality" She was married... won't say anymore as it will spoil it if you watch it. And for me it's that first kiss moment where she realised she likes this woman. The moment just before the kiss, the point of no return lol. Just like the dressing gown moment in carol. I can't explain how arousing those moments are to me. That is more of a turn on for me that actually watching the full act. Now I have to go to work with those thoughts. Phew. Cool down Jackie. have a good day everyone. Be happy, be yourselves and love yourselves as you are all amazing xxxxxxxxx
I don't have Amazon :icon_sad: I checked youtube, but don't see anywhere I can purchase this there. The full movie is posted several times, but each time it says it's been removed by the youtube police due to copyright laws!:eusa_naug (of course!) I won't give up though, so many of you here have talked about it, I know its a must-see. I will check out 'Last Tango in Halifax', and thanks for the tip. I also watched The Fosters on Netflix, about a lesbian couple raising their adopted kids and all of their struggles. Certainly not brilliant acting and fairly predictable, but I was drawn to it just having a window into the characters day to day relationship--and knowing how much I want just what they have! Falling asleep in each others arms, making pancakes in the morning, just all of the regular life stuff. I loved their wedding scene, where they dance with their family to the song 'Same Love' by Macklemore and Lewis. That song gets me everytime!
I'm hoping for that too Moonsparkle. I have never felt this way before with anyone man I have been with. I just wanted them out of the way. I want to wake up and have someone there. Someone to talk to and share everything with. Make dinner with. Go for walks with. Deep conversations where I can tell them everything. OMG I have totally changed. I would never have done that with a man.
jackiescutt17- I think taking care of yourself is important. Often as women and mothers we put others needs above our own and neglect to take care of ourselves. I think working on ourselves is also uplifting. It definitely makes me feel better about myself especially when I can walk down the hallway with a group of people and make them have to keep up. You have done a great accomplishment for yourself and your health keep it up. Moonsparkle- try looking on HBO if you have it. It is not in the on demand section though. I would suggest searching to see what time it comes on HBO and then record it. That is what I did. I think Carol is such a great movie that everyone old enough should see it. I dream of having a relationship with that much passion and that the same time it scares the hell out of me because I know it would ruin my life as I know in my current situation. I did have to watch Carol again Sunday night just because we all talked about it. I stayed up until 1am (can't do that again). OED27x- it is funny that I am feeling more calm and having less anxiety about my questioning since I have come here and talked. It could also be that I don't have enough time now that I am back to work and my new school has started. I swear take one week off and my work tries to kill me. Got back on Monday to find out I had to work with one of our sister companies on a proposal plus try to get through my regular work. Anyways it left me no time to obsess.
