It's been well over a decade since I've had any form of physical interaction with a woman. And although it will be some time til I'm mentally and emotionally ready to start dating etc I've started to worry about what kind of lover I'll be. Looking back on my past I feel like I was guilty of being practically wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am. I don't feel like I was attentive or caring enough. As far as I'm aware my partners were satisfied however I'm now not so sure. I was faking it before I knew what an orgasm felt like and never felt able to say what I needed (though I'm not sure if I even know now) and I can't help but wander if my partners were actually satisfied. I f*sted a lot of the women i was with (I have tiny hands) but now I feel awful like I should have asked if it was ok first. I'm not good at reading people anyway and I'm not good with body language and communicating in general. I have no idea if it's all in my head (as I have a very negative opinion of myself) or if I could have been better. I'm by no means selfish, I would do everything I could do to please a partner but I can't help worry that I'm not actually capable. I cannot actually remember any of my experiences which doesn't help (My memory is useless) I don't expect any replies, I just needed to get this out as it's driving me crazy.
HiNerdbyNature If it's any consolation you are probably a far more attentive and active lover than I have ever been with a man. From my point of view, what I think I would want with a new lover is someone who was patient and forgiving of shortcomings, kind and gentle, with a sense of humour. And who asks what I like or don't like. And who can receive my love back. I'm sure you have these qualities aplenty - it sounds like you really want to pleasure your partner - that sounds like a great starting point...
Hello Nerbynature. xx It sounds to me that you have gone out of your way to please your partners. I am sure if you had done something that they didn't like or made them feel uncomfortable with they would have told you. What I can't get from this is what they did for you. Can you not remember anything? Did they satisfy you. Did you enjoy being with them? Maybe because you feel bad about yourself you have buried the memories. You have started the ball rolling now by posting this about yourself. Keep it coming xx Bit by bit you may start to remember more. I know that has happened with me and you need to open up and release the thoughts that you have buried to be able to feel better. And that's why we are here, to help you do that. Just as you have been there for us xx I have said this to you before. You are such a loving, caring, thoughtful and compassionate person. You need to be with someone that you care about, and that cares about you back. Someone you connect with and then it should all come together. Get to know them first. Not sex straight away. Talk. Share. Get to know them. Then I am sure you will find that when you make love it will be equal and not just you doing all the work. You have spoken on here about communication. You explain that so well. You need to be able to talk to your partner. Enjoy being with them. Have you been able to sort any meetups yet. Make some new friends, friends that enjoy your company and can help you realise just how fantastic you are. Big huge hug coming your way
Jackie I swear you're gonna have me bawling like a baby if you keep being so nice. I enjoyed being with them cos I was wanted and being needed/desired was what I needed more than anything else. I can't remember anything but that's just my messed up brain (I can't remember holidays, a parachute jump ,what my dad looked like. I hate it) I only achieved the big O twice (once with two separate women). I guess I haven't found the right woman as I can't fully relax and let go. I don't know. The whole thought of meeting a woman let alone what that could lead to is so daunting and overwhelming.
I second what Jackie says. You are such a thoughtful, caring person. That is a gift. Not everyone is blessed with empathy and consideration. Even by considering you may not have been a totally available or giving partner in the past shows it is something you care about! When physical intimacy happens (and it will) it should be with someone you feel comfortable with, emotionally connected to. That will help ease anxiety. Also, don't worry about the big O. Practice on yourself first and see what feels good to you. That will help when the time comes.
I may be too personal here and please just don't answer if you don't want to. The big O... twice. Is that twice with partners. What about on your own?
Once on my own. I can't even let go when it's just me. I don't know what's holding me back. I almost feel like I need to find someone who can somehow coax me over the edge. I just feel like there's something broken within
I don't think it's something broken. I think it's something not properly explored yet. We really need to get you to a place that you can be comfortable with yourself xxx I think that's going to be important before you can be comfortable with anyone else. The big O didn't happen easily with sex with men for me. But one way or another I would have to have some end to it. But on my own would normally work best. Actually preferred the later in the end anyway. But that was before I realised I was barking up the wrong tree... so to speak. We will have to help you find some happy thoughts Nerdbynature. XxX
OED27x and Jackiescutt17 are so right. I think it is a very good idea to try practising on yourself. Approach your self-exploration in a relaxed mood, when there is no need to rush. Because it is just you there is no need to perform or to feel that you have to climax. Perhaps have a nice shower and use a soap that you love the smell of, listen to music that makes you feel sexy or wear something that feels lovely against your skin. Maybe watch a sexy film or pornography if there is something that you know turns you on. You could also try a lubricant that feels nice....You are a good, kind person, worthy of feeling good. X
If you think you did wrong in the past, just use it to learn from your mistakes. Some people just don't know what they're doing until they've gotten more experience.
