I'm trying to work up the courage to make my fist therapy appointment today. I've been feeling pretty rotten about my situation for a long time now, and I need to make the next step in resolving it. That's terrifying. It doesn't help that I'm slightly hungover, and had an honest conversation last night where some feelings came out. A new friend told me that we can't have the relationship we both want, but we can be close friends, and that's more important. He's right, and I've always known it, but having it out in the open is a little painful. Bottom line, the bad feelings are creeping up again and I could use some encouragement today.
Hey, I've totally been there. We all have. Just by posting on here and thinking about your first therapy appt means better days are ahead ... you are looking for and reaching out for the positive. It sucks when a relationship doesn't work out the way we want it to or expected it to. That's ok. Those sad feelings are ok. Honor all of your feelings. But, today try to do at least one thing that you know would make you feel good about you - listen to a song you like, go for a walk, do some push ups, take a nice long hot shower. Take care...
It feels so much better just talking aloud with another person about your fears. You have this opportunity in therapy and it's your tool to use as you wish - no right or wrong way about it. But to gain by this you have to be willing to take the first step. There's no monster under the bed, and nothing that you can't overcome with faith in yourself (and / or a higher power if that's your belief) and the courage to take action. Go do it and find out how strong you are! We're with you. Warm hugs, Patrick
You are on the right track ARB .. make the appointment, go, talk, let it out .. it'll feel better, not necessarily the first time, but it will, trust me .. been there done that. I even switched between 3 therapists during the past 2.5 years. In my first session with the last therapist I just couldn't control my emotions .. tears were pouring .. very relieving especially that she was the most accepting therapist of me as who I am. Don't think twice about this step, you need it, and you won't regret it .. even if you have to do a bit of a travel to reach a good therapist. Isn't reality sometimes painful? being just friends after being emotionally attached. It is painful to realize it. It'll set you up for a low mood and bad feelings for some time .. accept it, acknowledge how you feel, let go and live free. Again, I empathize, I relate with you, been there done that! still living the pain but learning slowly to acknowledge the facts and my emotions .. sometimes I can't control it, but slowly I'm able to tame it to acceptable levels. Take it easy on yourself .. life is about change all the time, nobody remained in the same emotional, physical, nor psychological status the whole time, things will change. Baby steps my dear, baby steps. You are moving to the right direction. (*hug*) At times of stress, try following some mindfulness exercises .. I found Mindfulness+ podcast (available on itunes) especially relaxing and mind easing. Try it, it might be a good solution to ease up your mood in tough times.
Thanks everyone. You are my support system right now, and it's invaluable. I made the appointment, first for Friday. That seemed like forever away, then they called back to reschedule for next Tuesday. Eternity! My wife knows something is bothering me, and has encouraged me to talk to someone. Even though I can't tell her what's going on in my mind, it kills me that she hasn't asked. Even today when I told her I made the appointment (I've been wavering for about 3 weeks) she didn't seem to care. I feel like I just need to unload this. Why is later going to better than now? Bearheart, I'm a podcast fiend. Thanks for he recommendation. I'll download a few episodes right now.
That's great .. I'm glad that your wife knows that you're going to see a therapist .. I kept mine a secret from her for more than a year and half! I was so paranoid then! Nobody needs to know anything. I know the impatience feeling, when one is decided you want to get over with it .. right? it's better though to weigh all your options before opening up though .. at your stage, with tons of emotions and thoughts wavering around, it'd be better to wait and be patient, calculating your moves and decisions while you are in a more stable mind and emotion state is always advisable. Especially for sensitive issues that are going to affect others around you too .. The "being considerate" to our wives is what is killing and tearing us apart! You're very welcome ARB, I think they'd help till Tuesday comes!
So after all the rescheduling of my first appointment to see a therapist, the office called today with a cancellation, and I took it. So I feel better after talking it out. I know it will take a few sessions to get to know each other and to start moving forward, but her initial observation is along the lines of "you and your wife are both hurting, and time won't make the hurt any less, so just rip the band aid off and come out so you can both start healing." An important fact here is that my wife is 6 months pregnant. I didn't expect this kind of encouragement, and I'm questioning it. What do you think? Is ripping off the band aid a good idea? I'm not prepared in a lot of ways to come out, so it won't be immediate, but this could definitely push up my timeline. I sort of want to do it, but it seems selfish given the timing. I'm going to do some searching for how to prepare for this, just in case it happens in the next few weeks.
I'm so glad for you that you got that appt. good! Good step. Keep meeting with the therapist. I don't know if ripping the bandaid off is right but neither do I know if the slow peel is better. You have to do what's comfortable. And you are on your way.
ARB....This is my first post to you....I hope I can encourage and help at least a little!:icon_bigg. Talking to a therapist has helped me so much that it's really hard to put it in words. Of course the really important factor is connecting with the "right" therapist. I was fortunate and found someone who could not have been more perfect for me. I had really reached a crisis point after hiding in the closet for 55 (yes 55) years. There was simply no way that I could go on any more living the the lie that was me. I had come out here on EC before I met the T., but face-to-face is a whole different universe. I had yet to say out loud "I Am Gay". The words just wouldn't come out. I typed up an email to send to him that went over the problems that were threatening to destroy me...retirement from a job that I loved and had done for 41 years, health issues that had lead to five major surgeries, a terrible situation at my church (Gay & Christian...another whole disaster), and of course...finally facing that I was gay after hiding for so long and being married for 38 years. I emailed the whole thing to him the day before our appointment only to find out when I arrived that his computer wasn't working and he had not received the email. I felt like I was in the middle of a nuclear blast. My only choices were to cut and run or read him the hard copy of the email that I had. I wanted to throw up and pass out. But somehow I managed to sit down and read the email. When I got to the last part, it took a long time to read because you can't really see words on a page through a Niagara of tears. When I finished, sobbing uncontrollably, he just stood up came over to me, put his arms around me and gave me one of the first really sincere, loving hugs that I had ever had from another man. I will never, never forget it. And he didn't let go....he let me cry on his shoulder for what seemed a very long time until I was ready to let go. My healing began that moment. That was a year and a half ago. I can honestly say that I am not the same person who walked into his office that day....terrified and so completely alone in the midst of so many people. I now accept myself, I no longer hate myself and my life has done almost a 180 degree turn. There is much, much more to tell...if you want to know more just let me know....but I can say that my T. has saved me from a life of self-hate and agony....if not outright saved my life period. I hope that you can develop the kind of relationship with your T. that will let you heal from wounds that society and that we have inflicted on ourselves.....David
