I had a really long post typed out but something happened. It was probably god or the ghost of my mother telling me to cut it short. Anyway, today I have been struggling with divorce guilt. Has anyone been there? I keep trying to figure out if I could have done anything different. Why did things have to turn out this way? I do not want to loose this person in my life. But, like most hopeless romantics, things are usually better on my head than in real life. The bond that my husband and I shared was we are both only children raised by our moms. When we met each other, it was like meeting a lover and a sibling (and in my case, a father) all combined. It was an intensity that became a codependency. I quickly felt myself losing my core self because I knew this man could be a good father, and was loyal and was so stable to a point of having zero faults. He walked a very straight and narrow path in life. Our sex life: took him over a year to have an orgasm with me. And then it was with anal and it was like 5 seconds. It was his preference for the next 12 years. Plus anal toys. It was not my preference at all. But because I needed love I would have done anything for this man. But it made me anxious about sex. I started avoiding it. And the worst part, the only way I could get turned on was to think about him disgusted with having vaginal sex. When you asked him about it, he would get angry and deny anything and everything. So I had my second child, my mom died after a brutal two week downspiral with cancer. I was still in maternity leave. To say it was lifechanging is an understatement. I had to make the decision to take her off of life support. And she was struggling physically and could hear me at that time. And it was the most horrible thing o have ever witnessed. I cleaned every square in of her house out. It was so sudden her toothbrush and jewelry were just were she left them. I did it all. I am an only child and my dad is absent. I quite my job. I stayed home with my kids. Then cleaning g out her house I herniated a disc and spent five months on my hands and knees with excruciating back pain. I ended up having surgery and have been fine since thank goodness. I told my husband, no more anal. He said ok but of course asked when I would be ready. So in spite of that, my physical desire for him was so irretrievable at that point I had to force myself through sex. And still the only reliable thing to get me turned on was to thing about him being disgusted with me or some othe dude being disgusted. So about 5 years ago I started coming out slowly as bi. It's something I have always always felt. Even as a little girl I knew without a doubt I was drawn to girls. As I got older I wanted to date boys, but I always thought about girls too. I thought something g was so wrong with me. I was a Tom boy. I wanted to play tough, join the army, play sports, fish. When j discovered other little girls weren't like me I felt ashamed and so wrong for liking the things I did. When my son started kindergarten I get involved in his school. I met like minded people. When I would get home, my husband would be so negative about everything including my sons school. And our house and his job. And one day I thought to myself, this man and I are so far it apart. I could not understand him anymore at all. We could not communicate. I was in a different space. He bought himself toys like kayaks and electronics left and right but still he was just negative. And if I brought up any complaints he would just walk out. And would yell. But, being s family was our dream. Neither one of us had that and we wanted that perfect upbringing for children. My self esteem plummeted again. And yes, I met a woman. And I knew I was falling for her. And the entire year I was falling for her I doubled down on my marriage. But it didn't work. And I ended up crossing the line with her. Yes, I told my husband. Yes, I spiraled out of control. Told him I needed time and space. He went ballistic. Yelled at me I was a fucking lesbian. I was ruinnng his life. My kids would find out what I really am. I have a questionable character. He threatened to tell everyone that my friend and I were intimate. There was a lot of other stuff that got worse before it got better. So now, we are in a separation process and on the one hand I have more confidence than ever. I am excited about my future.but on the other hand, I feel so guilty for not making this work. I love him. What do you do with all the good memories? What do you do with all the happy times? How can I ever feel ok about whether I tried hard enough or not? ---------- Post added 24th Apr 2017 at 10:59 PM ---------- Post script: That was still very long. A couple of important points: No, my husband is not ok with me being bi at all. He forgives me for cheating but can never trust me. He admitted his faults in therapy: he puts his mother first, he is selfish and he had a hard time admitting he is anything less than perfect. I have always had a hard time controlling my alchohol and that had contributed to some of our issues as well.
You should not feel guilty in the slightest. You did everything you could for the relationship including participating in sex that you didn't really like or enjoy. I know what it's like to stay in a relationship too long as the fear of change and hurting people is pretty potent and you hope of will change/get better. Who knows maybe your husband is repressing his attraction to men if he only likes anal sex and that could also be why he's so angry as he's too scared to admit it but you have been honest (even if it was after the fact) Maybe you've had problems with alcohol because subconsciously you knew you weren't happy. You deserve to be happy and to be with whoever you want to be with and to have a sexual relationship based on love, trust and mutual satisfaction etc
Hey OED27x thanks for the update . We have chatted before so won't belabor that but one thing struck me pretty big in your post and that is you feel like you are shouldering things exclusively. There is zero shame in your sexuality , it is who you are and pretending to be anything different is not authentic to your heart and soul. That being said wow your H sounds like such a selfish self loathing person and using emotional controlling things to make it all in you and that simply is not true . Even in my relationship where my wife discovered I was sleeping with guys and subsequently learned it has been for many years , she has been nothing short of amazing how she has treated me and us . It is what hopefully will save or marriage as she works to accept my sexuality but all along she knows and I know we love each other . So guilt is rough I know , but it takes two to tango and two to breakup too . Lots of great things ahead of YOU and it sounds like it is time for YOU to be authentic and happy
Hey I dont have experience of what you are going through but sometimes you have to give yourself a break. Was this part of your life plan? No of course not, but sometimes even with the best will in the world things dont work out. It sounds to me as though even if there was no attraction to women and no other woman your relationship would have broken down eventually anyway its just perhaps that brought it to a head. If you look back could you have done things differently, sure but then we can all do that, you are both guilty of negative things in the relationship so dont take it all on your shoulders. You may not have wanted this for you child but staying in an unhappy relationship is absolutely no good for them either so you are doing the right thing.
Thanks for the replies. I do feel guilt and shame. I gave all of myself to this marriage, this dream to create a family and it still wasn't enough - for me or my husband. I feel guilt that I started falling out of love with him, couldn't be there 100% physically, couldn't get over his anal preference or his mom issues. Of course over the years my coping with alcohol was a poor choice. And we had some bad nights and fights and messy scenes with that. I feel like I had the American dream at my fingertips, an opportunity to give my kids what I didn't have and maybe I ruined it? My husband is a hard worker, loyal man. He loves our kids and the traditions and structure we created with our family. He was fine with sweeping everything under the rug. Nothing was talked about or looked at too closely. If I had his mentality maybe we would still be together. If I had focused more on positive. But I thought this morning, even if my catalyst had never come along, all of our other issues would still be there. Even if I was a 100% straight person, we still would have had to deal with the dynamics of our relationship. But this is a mourning of a relationship. He was the first man I ever loved. We had some of the best times of our lives with each other. So many people in my social circle don't know what's going on. They have a clue but not the full extent. Of course my catalyst is getting a divorce now too. She is in the same social circle. I think if people thought about it they might put two and two together. But fortunately our friends have been polite enough not to imply anything or ask any questions. He is looking for places to move to now. I'm trying to get a settlement drawn up. He want 40k (which just pisses me off). He says he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. He says he looks at me and just sees a lesbian (big eye roll). I look at him now and see how self centered he is. How we are just such different people now. But it still hurts doesn't it?
Of course it hurts. You have to grieve for what you had and in time you will look back and just see all the good things. Just like when someone close dies at first all you can see is pain and hurt but in time it does get easier and you can remember the good times. I think you are right even if you were straight the issues would still be there.
I'm glad you've realised how self centred he is. And I know it hurts to admit that a relationship is over and call it a day. However you need to consider how it would have been if you had tried to keep it going. You would have still disliked having sex with him. You still would wonder about being with a woman and your relationship would continue to break down and resentment would grow. And as for your kids they would have seen how unhappy you were. Although it may not seem this way for a while I am sure you will all be much happier in the long run. You shouldn't feel guilty or shame you gave everything you could and it takes two people to make a relationship work along with open communication and compromise. From what you have said it sounds like your husband was unwilling to compromise and consider your happiness. Don't forget you are not just mourning the loss of a relationship, you are also mourning for the person you were. You are changing and will continue to do so until you are happy with yourself and your life.
Even though it may be hard at first, the longer you let a bad relationship drag on, the more it hurts when it's over. I hope you are able to make it through this, I hope the best for your kids, and I hope you are able to eventually live a happy life with whom ever you decide. Good luck with your future travels.
I can't comment about being in love with someone and married as I have never felt that close and loyal to any man like that. I have never married. I would say that I think you went above and beyond in trying to make this relationship work. And I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty at all. You did things that made you feel uncomfortable which is something that no one should have to do. And for your husband to continue to do things knowing that the you wasn't happy doing them makes me really sad for you. do you think, as much as we are all hurting at the moment, in whatever we are going through... out catalyst some how, in a really weird way, came along just when we needed something?
Thanks all for posting. Helps to get it out and process. So on one hand I feel on top of the world and excited about my future, feeling more comfortable in my skin that I have in years. On the other hand, I am mourning. A break up trigggers the same grief cycle that a death triggers or coming out triggers. I told my husband today that he has got to stop leveling on the guilt. He has to stop making me absorb his anger. I told him I did some bad shit but so did he. He doesn't get to shove it on me to make himself feel better. And I said I tried the best I knew how, I was sad that things are not turning out how we dreamed. But I also said I would not deny my orientation. I wouldn't deny I was attracted to women and, now, it is against my comfort level to lie about that. Before I was just trying to figure it all out. I said I was laying my cards out and being forthright. Of course I need to give myself a break, like y'all said. So I thought about how far I have come in a few months, what are the positives. I came out to my mom before she died. For many reasons this was so important for me. Did the universe give me the courage to do that before she died? I don't know but it has given me comfort going forward. I have felt more confidence and wholeness within myself than I have for years and years! I am being reminded of how strong, competent, cool I am. Since this began I have started listening to music again, I got a major promotion at work which I asked for, I bought a new car, I have taken more care in my appearance, I have reconnected with some old friends, I have had a shift in my attitude that I am an inferior or too damaged of a person, I have rediscovered my sex drive!!, I have had some of the most satisfying fantasies where I am there, present, and living every minute, I have felt myself grow emotionally, I have remained and expressed gratitude towards my blessings:wonderful accepting friends, I have entered and continued therapy for my own well being, I have provided an continuity and comfort to my kids, I have even developed a closer relationship with my kids, I feel less anxious/irritable, I've admitted to myself and my friends my struggles with alchohol, I have continued to reach out to my husband because I feel it's the right thing to do, I have continued to try to mend my relationship with my catalyst because it is important to me to remain friends with important people in my life. One of the replies acknowledged that your relationship should not make you feel uncomfortable. You should never do what is uncomfortable to you in a relationship. This made me feel better. It's true. Something was wrong there. And that is the truth. Jackie,yes. I do believe that things happen for a reason. I'll post to your other thread but I did have a conversation with my catalyst about that months ago, Thanks for the support. Xoxo
