I am 31, almost 32 in August. I have been out before when I was 23 and 24, but to appease my fundamentalist parents I went back in and did the conversion therapy and ex-gay thing which has been my life for the past seven years. I plan on hiding it from my parents as long as possible (because when they find out, it WILL mean cutting ties), but I want to start seeking a relationship and making LGBT friends before my 32nd birthday. There are a few things I am concerned about. One, its that I've missed my twenties and that is supposedly the height of life for a gay person. Second, it's that I am primarily interested in a long-term relationship and am also not into anal sex (I am more into frot, cuddling, and nudity). I worry that at my age, it will be tough to find anybody who is a match. I could be wrong though. Has anybody else come out at my age and how did it go?
1. No age is the wrong age to embrace whom you truly are. 2. Your perception about a certain age being better than other ages is nonsense. Age is an attitude. In my 40s I had my second adolescence. I had an amazing time doing so! Your in your 30's, you have plenty of time to embrace yourself and live life as the person you want to be. 3. Be yourself, build a network of friends, and do so unrelated to your family relationship. One has nothing to do with the other. You might be concerned about breaking off your relationship with your family and experiencing some loneliness, but sometimes being alone is good for the soul. Don't rush to make friends because your afraid to be alone. That might lead you to make the wrong type of friends. 4. Lots of people are interested in long term relationships. But before having such a relationship, maybe you should have a proper relationship with yourself. You have a lot of figuring out to do. Let a relationship come when it comes, in the meantime, work on yourself. 5. Being gay is not only about anal sex. You can have sexual relations doing all sorts of things. Lots of gay guys are not into anal, so don't worry about that. That said, keep an open mind. As you learn more about yourself, you never know what you might find out about what you like or do not like. 6. Have you considered working with an trained LGBT sexuality therapist? Given the conversion therapy you went through, it might be beneficial for you to find someone you trust and respect to talk with. In addition to the inherent shame brought on by your family, the conversion therapy may need some unwinding itself. A therapist can help you find closure to last emotional traumas, help you make yourself vulnerable to build confidence, self esteem and self worth, with the goal of learning to manage and work through shame. Your embarking on an exciting journey - finding yourself and embracing your sexuality! I look forward to reading more from you.
I wish I had had the advice that onthehighway posted when I came out. I came out in my early 30's - I'm in my late 30's now. I think I just expected things to be fine after. I'm only starting to realise now that it takes work. Every year I've wanted to go to pride marches or holidays or just hang with some gay friends and have had no one to call. I've never gone out and sought gay friends and with all of my straight friends now settling down, having children etc. I'm finding myself alone a lot of the time. I'm just realising now that if I want my life to change and become better for myself then I have to go out and meet like minded gay people. If I could say anything it would be that - go and meet people, volunteer, join LgBT groups, really embrace your sexuality. It has taken a lot of lonely nights to come to this conclusion.
In addition to the great advice already given... I also come from a fundamentalist Christian family and I understand your fears. It's easy to assume that coming out will end your relationship with them, but it may be more complicated than that. You may need to think about where your boundaries are, because if they're willing to make any effort to understand you, you may need to know how much compromise you're willing to make. As you're probably well aware, they likely have a black-and-white absolutist viewpoint of the world. You coming out will challenge that because they love you, they understand much about you, and yet in their mind you "belong" completely outside of their morality. They're likely to bring back some of the same thinking you heard in your ex-gay therapy. It's rough when their worldview is as inflexible as your born sexual orientation. Still, if you want to have a dialogue with them you may be surprised how much is possible. But be prepared for them to test your limits and know yourself well enough to navigate that. Patrick
Thanks for this. I know from my past experience, when I was openly gay prior to conversion therapy, that a continued relationship with them will not be possible if I am out. Even by fundamentalist Christian standards they are at the top end of the spectrum of homophobia. They still bring it up all the time, asking me to assure them that I am not back in "that lifestyle." I do agree that I need to know myself and my limits and not leave any openings for them to manipulate me again. They will use the same arguments that were used in conversion therapy as well as the "if you can't change, then you are required to be celibate for life." I am going to tell them I sacrificed five years of my life to try to do things their way so they would be happy and I was near suicidal and cannot do it anymore. I am 100% sure their response will be "it's not our way, it's God's way." I will say "no, it's your way" and not budge. I left a life I was happy in and regressed almost ten years, moving from a city I loved back to my hometown, to please them. I am going to tell them that I now have to live my life for my own happiness and nobody else's. I will assure them that I know what the Bible says about it but it hasn't worked for me. Most importantly, I will avoid trying to argue theology with them. That was my big mistake last time and its a no-win argument. A big problem is my dad is an Independent Fundamental Baptist pastor and if I come out, that's going to reflect very poorly on him and his congregation and he could even lose his church. There is also the issue of my mom. Last time she told me she was praying for God to kill her so that the pain of me losing her under those circumstances would cause me to re-evaluate my "lifestyle."
You should have no responsibility for your father nor mother given what they have put you through, and for either of them to levy guilt on you in such a manor is a sin in of itself. They should be ashamed!
They are trying to control you with false guilt. I implore you to read this article: The Origins of False Guilt | Focus on the Family
Thanks for this. I find it ironic that such an article was published by Focus on the Family, one of the most anti-gay and pro-conversion therapy organizations in the country. However, this specific article is true and is definitely something I can use in my defense. Thanks again!
You may also want to sort out your own beliefs in a higher power, or whether you believe at all, before coming out to your family. Like many gay people I have to sort out my own meaning in life, find my purpose, and find my own beliefs. I still have faith in a higher power but I don't fall neatly into any Christian denomination or other faith. I just believe that we're part of something much greater, and often that belief has given me strength. I also have a strong intuitive connection with my spirituality, if that makes sense. I know when I'm happy, connected, thriving, loving - or not - and I see this as a spiritual phenomenon. Most gay people have strength in spirit although they aren't necessarily religious. In my opinion you can still have your own relationship to a higher power, and draw strength from your beliefs - if that's appropriate for you. As your family further assaults your dignity and self worth with their narrow definition of "correct" faith (I would fully expect it) then your own faith or spirit may be needed. I would also reach out to other LGBT folks of faith if you feel a need. Either way, whether you believe or not, celebrate yourself and know that you are loved. Your family cannot take that away from you and you will find other sources of support. Patrick
Hey okccpdude, I'm sorry you went through all of that from your parents and time in that "therapy". Nothing is wrong with your sexuality. As for religion, it's so infuriating that some people insist that the Bible is the perfect word of God and claim to have faith, yet insist they're 100% right. Part of faith is a sense of mystery and not having to know everything. They claim it's so literal, yet don't do half of what it commands. They'll claim the Leviticus verse is literal against gay people, yet it can't be literal since a man can't "lay" with a man as a woman since a man has no vagina. Then they say it's not that literal. Oh, ok, whatever fits the lesson they want it to tell. The Bible is a compilation of various texts, written by men, other men decided which texts would be included and the translations have changed over the years. If someone really thinks men have not had a major hand in the current version (and which version is the "right" one?) then it's pointless to expect any coherent, logical discussion with them. What a sick comment from your mom and if the church would fire your dad because of you being gay just shows how insane their teaching is. I really hope you can get far away from that toxic place. Being gay isn't a choice, however, they choose what version of Christianity they want to participate. Sadly they choose a very corrupt flavor. I do wish the best for you, please take care!
