Lesbian... and then not...

Hello, I’m new here and I want to introduce myself and tell my story. I’m 47, divorced and a mother of three. As a girl I was kind of a tomboy, as a teenager I had a very good male friend who was gay. I couldn’t really see it at the time though, strangely enough. We had so much in common, watched all those gay movies and listened to gay pop music of the eighties, I liked cross-dressing and we were hanging out a lot. Nothing more happened, and we never talked about him being gay (or me being whatever). Instead, I fell in love with heterosexual boys and dated a lot. Always on the lookout for love and a long-term relationship but it never really worked out. At the same time lesbians tried to hit on me. A lot. I knew that deep inside me there was a reason for this, that they could perceive something that was opaque to me somehow. More than once I wished I could fall in love with a woman but it never happened. I knew I could relate to being gay somehow but I just didn’t see myself as a lesbian. Not that I was homophobic, not at all. I come from a very liberal background and had no issues at all with being gay. Always had several lesbian friends as well. But somehow I couldn’t bring myself to being one. But I knew that my gender identity wasn’t fixed, that there was something I couldn’t really put my finger on and figure out.
Then, when I was 30, I met my husband. I’ve always fallen for feminine guys, skinny and soft, and often androgynous looking. My husband not only fell into this category, he also had his own history of struggling with gender and sexual orientation. In his youth he had had a long gay relationship, then turned towards women. What I instantly liked about him was that he liked my boyish appearance (well boyish with large breasts), my love for cross-dressing, my “being different”. I really thought that with him, I could have it all. I felt so free from the pressure to present as female, I thought I could finally be myself (whatever that was/is) and still have sex with a man. At that time I often jokingly said that I should have been a gay man. But I didn’t think any further than that. I had three children but the marriage didn’t work out. When my husband left me after ten years - for a young woman 15 years younger than me and very girlish, that girl-looking-for-protection type – he told me that he didn’t find my type (not feminine enough) attractive any longer (there were other issues as well, of course).
After I had picked up the pieces, and had come out of a three years’ crisis, I started dating again. Men. But then one night I sat down and asked myself: If it was the end of my life, what would I really regret not having done? And the answer was clear: having been with a woman. Then I cried. And started to look in a different direction. Then it finally happened!!!! I met a fascinating lesbian woman, fell in love and I have now been in a very good, happy relationship with her for two years.
First I was overwhelmed and thought that, yes, I’m a lesbian, finally I have figured out what I have known all along. But I don’t think that is really the case. I love her over the moon but I love her for different reasons than she loves me. She is a “real” lesbian and she loves the woman in me (well, the “boyish” woman), and she loves my female body. I love the guy in her. And wish I had a flat chest. It looks as if I were a lesbian now but deep down I think I’m between genders and am attracted by that as well. Deep down there is this little gay man inside me. That is, I could still sleep with a man if he liked the masculine about me; I couldn’t if he was attracted by me as a woman. That said, I love sex with my partner; in the end I don’t really care, when it comes to sex, if it is with a man or woman, it’s just what they see in me that matters.
I have often wondered why things have never been clear for me, and have often envied those for whom everything was clear, either straight or gay. But seeing myself as non-binary and liking “feminine” men and “masculine” women (just using the terms for want of better ones) has helped me understand why I seemingly switched from straight to lesbian – in the end it’s not really switching but sticking to androgynous, or non-binary, I guess. I’m happy now but I sometimes feel in between everything. I don’t really fit in the lesbian community even if I live like a lesbian. Then I think, why see problems where there are none. But somehow I feel I’m not at the end of my journey into my identity yet. And maybe I’ll never be but that is ok as well…
This has gotten rather long so I’ll stop here… Thanks for reading this much!

 

Thanks for the welcome! I really appreciate this site, people are really friendly and supportive. I'm glad to have found it!

 

Hi jackiescutt17, I confess I enjoy reading long posts. It’s like getting a story not only a glimpse into other people’s experiences and as you said, that helps a lot on whatever journey you’re on.
I think t is fantastic when you’re able to question yourself, find out more and more about yourself, and can give your life a new direction, even later in life. I’m so happy I made that move and started confronting myself for real with my gender and sexuality two and a half years ago.
Incidentally, my daughter came out as gay last summer, and I am so proud of her. Lots of exciting things going on here!!!!
Looking forward to chatting more as well!