Did you just reach a point where you couldn't do it anymore?

I think your sadness, when seeing other lesbian couples, is part of a sort of grief process.

Notice it, understand it, but don't let it overwhelm you with sadness. The process will take you to a better place. (*hug*)

 

I can relate to how you're feeling. I find myself wishing I had known earlier too, even though if I had I wouldn't have my beautiful children. The reason I started exploring it was feeling like I just couldn't bury it anymore. Now I'm wondering what I'm exploring now and what exactly I'm waiting to know that I already don't.

 

I hit that point. A few weeks or a few months ago the pressure started to build. There were a few reasons for it. Yesterday the bubble burst. I told my wife that I'm gay. It was emotional for both of us, but so far it's been positive and she is supportive.

My perspective is full of emotions that are still developing. My situation was unique. And I'm only out to my wife so far. But what I can tell you is that I wish I hadnt let the the pressure build so much. The result is going to be the same no matter if you spend months agonizing offer it, or just rip the band aid off and go for it. I wish I had stopped hurting and started healing sooner.

 

I definitely hit that point. It was very near the end of my marriage and i just needed to feel valid, so i told the vast majority of my friends. I couldnt hold it in anymore, couldn't carry it around as if it were something to be ashamed of.
Before that point i was ok with my ex husband and therapist knowing, i thought i could live with that.
Now, I'm out to pretty much everyone, I reached another point after my separation where i just wanted to be free, so i told my family.
I think when you reach that point, you just know. You know it's the right time and you know you can't keep it in any longer.

Good luck

 

Hello Lost,
So much of what you write resonates with me. I'm not married but I do feel "trapped" in that I'm not out to anyone I know in real life (just my therapist but that doesn't count). And I totally hear you about feeling sad when seeing happy lesbian couples...I get very sad sometimes because of all the wasted time when I truly didn't know I was attracted to women. What's weird is that before realizing this about my sexual orientation (i.e. when I thought I was straight), I never felt sad when I saw happy heterosexual couples together....that should have been some kind of hint!

But even though I'm not married, and even though this realization is still very new, I'm already feeling stifled, like I just wish I could break out and live exactly the way I want immediately. I do feel trapped but it's definitely a process from coming out to myself (which I think I'm good with), to then moving forward...however/whenever that will be.

For now, everyday is one where I still have to remind myself that I need to breathe, and put one step in front of the other. It's difficult. Thank goodness for EC.
Keep writing. It helps us all. Take care. ♥

 

From my experience, and from what I have read of others, married later in lifers begin to embrace their sexuality via a number of ways:

1. They are struggling with emotional issues (depression, anger, anxiety, erectile disfunction, lack of sleep, etc etc) which lead them to go seek professional help, and working with a professional (doctor, therapist, counselor) they being to realize they have same sex attractions which had previously been repressed do to shame and internalized homophobia.

2. They have know about their same sex attractions, and have acted upon them without their spouses knowledge, only to be eventually caught by their spouse or overcome by the guilt of acting behind their spouses back. This forces the issue to the forefront.

3. A person realizes they have same sex attractions and are in a heterosexual relationship. Because of shame and internalized homophobia, they have lived behind an emotional wall existing within the parameters of a heterosexual relationship. But at some point, our emotions must find a way to be released. Our true selves fight to come to the surface. So without having sorted through the shame and internalized homophobia, such individual can simply no longer accepting living behind an emotional wall, and they are forced to embrace their sexuality.

From what I have read and personally experienced, many of those with same sex attractions typically reach this "boiling point" somewhere in their 30's or 40's. Obviously, this does not stop others in their 50's,60's,70's etc from doing the same. I was in my early 40's when it finally hit me.

At the same time, many either have a "trigger" or "catalyst" that gets them to this point. For me, the catalyst or my "awakening", happened when I got hit on at a bar (a straight bar to be specific) while on a business trip in a foreign country and a rush of electricity encompassed me when another guy found me attractive. This catalyst lead me to think about my life and about six months later embrace my sexuality.

What your experiencing is common indeed. It is like a volcano slowly building pressure until it can no longer contain the magma and explode. The idea, however, is to make sure the explosion is as controlled as possible. I like to think I was able to manage my own explosion. From my perspective I think I did, from my families perspective they would probably argue otherwise; but then again, that would always be the case.

 

OntheHighway,

My catalysts experience was somewhat like yours in that it wasn't someone I actually dated but a chance encounter that changed me forever. I like to say it "turned on a switch" in me. It's amazing how that can happen isn't it? I'm glad to know it's not just me.
♥

 

Did you see the play "Book of Mormon". There is a fantastic song "Turn it off like a light switch" which reflects how a guy with same sex attractions shuts his emotions off like a like a light switch.

Good to see you turned yours back on! Now how can we put some rhythm and music to that? :lol: