I should be working on my school work right now, but I can't focus. I'm feeling some kind of way this morning. Woke up this morning feeling the same way I always do. Thinking that maybe I'm not really into girls and I'm finally done going through this phase. Then at some point BOOM! The desire to be with a girl hits and it hits hard. I then spend the whole day thinking about it. This is all going on while my husband and son are in another room watching a movie together. My husband. He's the best man I've ever known and he loves me so much and wants to be with me so much and all I can do is think of girls. I fight the feelings to contact girls I see on dating sites that I am attracted to. I fight the feelings of signing up and putting my pic on these sites just to see what kind of response I get. If the type of girl I like would respond to me. But I know that all of this is a slippery slope and my husband doesn't deserve that. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this before I act on these feelings. Everyday the desire to be involved with a woman gets stronger and stronger. Sometimes I worry that it won't be as good as it is in my head. I worry sometimes that I won't be able to get the kind of girl I'm attracted to. That my type of girl won't be attracted to me. To be honest though, these concerns are getting to be less intense. Lately I find myself not wanting to up this facade anymore. I have a hard time kissing my husband. I don't really feel anything. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be if I was kissing a girl, while my husband is kissing me. Any kind of affection with my husband is very difficult for me and think he can sense it. It's noting that my husband has done or can fix. He's a really great guy, treats me very lovingly, does anything I ask, and he is very handsome. The only problem is that he is a male and that does not appeal to me anymore. The roughness of a man, the rough skin, the stubble of a beard and the hair on his chest. It just turns me off. The idea of the softness of a girl, long hair, smooth skin, soft lips. That just turns me on. I'm sorry if this post is bit TMI. Like I said, I am feeling some kind of way today. Thankfully it's only a couple of days until my next appointment with my therapist and I have plenty of school work to keep me busy. But then I'm on break for two weeks. Then what?
I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in that situation however I know there are many people here who have been where you are now. I wish I could help.
You are not alone, I felt the same way. It is difficult but you must ask yourself if don't acknowledge your true self can you live your life like that. You have the added complication of a child that you don't want to hurt or your husband for that matter. My only advise is to take things slow but inn the end be true to who you really are. You are in the right place to find advice, comfort and sometimes just an ear to vent.
