Ive got this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying to figure out what it is. There's been major stress, things have gotten extreme with my ex and then back to sort of ok. That's affected my parenting a lot. I miss my girlfriend because I've gone home to visit my family for a bit. But I think it's something else, something more about me; who I am, where I am, where I want to be. I met an old friend last night, and his partner. They're gay, he's supportive of me, and we had a great time. But a couple of things from the evening brought some raw feelings to the surface. The combination of things was this. First I felt more myself, more relaxed, more open than I ever have before. It felt really noticeable last night because I was with a friend I've known since I was 18. He also probed me a little on my past experiences with guys. He kept saying he really thought there was a spark with my soon to be ex husband. And also I noticed he glanced a few times at my pride bracelets. None of these things meant much in the evening, we had a great time, he tried to understand me better and he noticed my pride bracelets... But each thing struck something in me.... I want so desperately to just get to the place where I can be me. So many little legal details are holding up my progress, practical and financial things as well. I'm stuck in this place. I feel so *me*, so totally sure and confident and full in the sense of knowing who I am, what I need and mostly how to get there. But all I have to show for it are these damn pride bracelets. I can't live my life. I want so much to live out the things I need for me. I need to get out of this life I'm stuck in but I have to be patient. I'm struggling with it, so much. I can't seem to break out of this life. Those questions he asked about my past, I suppose how it made me feel was, fuck please put that behind me, look at me now, see me now. But ....actually when you look at me now, outwardly all you see is something very similar to me 3 years ago, a woman married to a man, living as a straight person. Inside all of these feelings, these needs are there, but outwardly you can just see a woman married to a man. Get me out of this damn life, please. :bang:
I'm sorry meeting up with your old friend didn't go as good as it could have. I wish he would have been more supportive. It sucks that you feel so stuck and your circumstances are making it hard for you to move forward with your life
Baristajedi, a few things touched me in your post: - the belly or the gut is a place of our all knowing wisdom, more true than our heads. It's more soulful, than our mind, which is always providing commentary on everything (called "the voice" by some). - re: wanting to "not be me". This must apply to the outer circumstances of your life. Yet there are inner circumstances, some call it "true nature" … that are continuous regardless of your outer circumstances … rest in that, that quiet place, find solace there. I always experience u as a supportive deeply conscious person - that's the beauty of who u are - regardless of the outer circumstances. Good luck & love.
I don't feel badly about the time with my friend, I think he is supportive, he was just trying to understand. Those things I mentioned just triggered thoughts and feelings I'm already having. I'm really frustrated with the way things have to move very very slowly. And I suppose that all seemed evident to me yesterday. ---------- Post added 2nd May 2017 at 07:06 AM ---------- I am anxious, and frustrated and tense about wanting to get the divorce over with. I know it's what I need, it's what my daughter needs, probably even what my ex husband needs... I was trying to think about how I can try to remain calm, rational, optimistic and keep the forward perspective. And I've been realising that I have a lot in my life I can feel deep gratitude for; it's a gift that I've started on this journey, that i can make my life better, that I have this beautiful daughter, and that I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe that will help me in this process to see the progress better and feel more positive. ---------- Post added 2nd May 2017 at 07:12 AM ---------- Thank you beingdude, what you say means a lot to me. That feeling in my belly, i suppose it's like my gut, and it's where I find my instincts, you're right. I suppose it's hard for me to find solace because my inner self wants my outer life to be more congruent. But I think I should try to find peace in that inner place. It's that inner place that will always be part of me no matter what my external circumstances are.
Ahhh my friend I know where you're coming from with the frustration over getting a divorce finalized, but it does pass, it will come. and you are a fantastic person for both you and your daughter. that feeling is mostly frustration I am guessing, because you're still dancing to someone else's drum while you have a totally different tune. I know you feel "stuck" but think of it as dancing in place if you will, the next steps will move you. you have so much more than "just these damn Pride Bracelets" you have the tremendous way you have come to get to the place where you know who you are and where you want to be. and you have done that in a wonderfully short time compared to many. you are "married" in name only, truly. you are living your life as best you can, you have a girl friend, you are in your own place ( I think you moved out last month?) you have a fantastic relationship with your daughter from what I can tell and you're a great parent. a friend of mine has a saying, one I co-opted "ever forward" and I think that's what you need, ever forward. the past is a wonderful teacher and guide for what to or not to do to build our futures but no place to set up camp and stay. trust me your old life is falling away faster than you know and one day soon you'll look around and say, wow we've come so far how wonderful. (*hug*)HUGS(*hug*) sweetie, you're doing fine, better than you think. I've been there.
Did you manage to get to the CAB for some advice regarding your immigration status here if you left your husband?
Thanks lookingforme, this is all so encouraging. (*hug*) I actually have NOT moved out unfortunately.... we were planning it and both really wanted to but realised as we were looking at flats, I need to secure my visa first, otherwise I'm vulnerable to losing my visa status. It's really frustrating but I'm making steps towards it. I think if we had separate flats, I'd feel so much further in this whole thing... ---------- Post added 5th May 2017 at 09:24 AM ---------- I did. They said that it's too complicated for them to help me with...I'm going to an attorney next week instead. I'm really looking forward to that consultation and hoping it gets me somewhere with the visa.
now you have a target, bring everything to bear on it, and that's the tactical victory to get you to your goals. it's a good point of focus right now.
You're right. I've been thinking that lately, and that has made me feel more relaxed in a lot of ways. It's frustrating because it's all. so. slow. And it's also making me feel a bit anxious because i don't know what the attorney will tell me about my visa status, whether it's quite complicated and timely, not necessarily possible??? etc. But at least it's clear that the visa is my focus, and then immediately after, the flats.
