Bare with me as I ramble, my thoughts are all over the place this morning. This morning, I woke up feeling half alive. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, especially my husband and children. This empty feeling creeps up occasionally and I know it will pass. It has been about 4-5 years since I realized I am bisexual. Two painful rejections and two failed relationships left me feeling numb. I know the relationships did not work out because of strict conditions set by my husband - he used my orientation to benefit himself. Setting boundaries and keeping the communication line open has helped shift our marriage in a healthier direction. The journey to get where I am has been long and hard, but I feel more grounded, more confident. Content with who I am. And I remain in the closet because my community is toxically homophobic, my mother could most likely be the most homophobic. For fear of ridicule and being disowned, I remain in the closet. And today, I don't want to be in the closet. I want to be myself and not worry about all the negativity that comes with homophobia. It has been a rough journey to get where I am, and I thought it would get better when I got here. I know there is a woman out there for me, and maybe I already know her. The unknown scares me, and yet I want to go there. My adult trigger crush once said, "step into the unknown." My fear is that I will be alone. I know I have a husband, and am thankful for all he does. I know this. But why do I feel empty? Why is he not enough, when I know he should be. I crave, I need to feel safe. I used to have that feeling with him, and it is coming back but for some reason it is not enough. I felt safest in her arms. It was in her arms I felt complete. It was in her arms I felt alive. Like all good things, it came to a bitter end. I do miss her, but will not go back to her. And so, I am sad today. Sad because I feel I must sacrifice myself over and over to make a good home for my husband and children. Sad because what should make me complete does not.
You deserve to be happy. You keep sacrificing and it's no longer working. I know it would be hard to leave your husband and work out custody of your children. However there are many people here who have been where you are now. I hope they can give you advice and guidance.
