Options after coming out to a straight spouse

Trying to figure out how she will react does not help you in deciding what you need to do as a person looking to establish for yourself whom you are. Any outcome you mention is possible, and you can apply probabilities to figure out which one it is between the two of you. However, more importantly, neither of you will ultimately be happy in the long run if one of you is not being true to yourself.

May there be short term difficulties? Quite possibly. But long term, you each are young and still have plenty of time to live a complete and fulfilling life as you each were meant to live it.

 

It can be all across the board. A few examples:

1. I came out to escape a marriage that spent 20 years getting more unhealthy and toxic for a variety of reasons. If I felt the relationship was a happy partnership, I would have stayed closeted forever to keep her, but in the end coming out was the only thing that would slam the coffin lid shut on it. The end result is that we get along far better now than we have in years, we've both met people with whom who we're far happier than we were with each other, and the kids think of my partner as a bonus stepdad whom they love.

2. My partner came out to his wife intending to just explain how he felt and see how they could work it out. She nuked the marriage within hours, has subtly turned his kids against him, and has voiced repeatedly that once they're grown up she doesn't expect to have anything to do with him.

3. A guy who was on EC several years ago came out to his wife. (He had a gay experience in college, never since, but knew he was gay.) The fallout was pain for everyone and he ended up staying with her and in the closet, because he believed it was the right thing to do, and he loved her and their kids too much to screw her life up by pursuing life as a gay man, just because he was curious about it.

4. Another ex-EC'er, came out to his wife, who he also considered his best friend. She was supportive and kind, they worked out a great child custody arrangement, and she walked him down the aisle when he married his partner.

You can guess at what might happen based on how well you know each other (my relationship with my ex really hasn't surprised me much, nor has my partner's with his). But in the end it's only a guess, and the reactions will morph over time, guaranteed.

What I'd encourage you to do is to take a look at your life, more from a 10,000 foot level than concentrating on one aspect of it, and consider it as a whole, rather than focusing on the one thing that's probably running through your mind in an endless loop. This is a coming-out forum, so people are very focused on that aspect of their lives here, but really, your identity and your happiness are complex, and sexuality is far from the only thing that can make you content or miserable.

I waited decades to come out, and for me and my relationships and my conscience, it was the right decision. FOR ME, maybe not for you. My partner should have done it much earlier than he did, and he has his regrets for waiting so long (although his waiting brought us together, so something good came out of it anyhow). In the end, all you can really do is think about the people you love--one of whom has to be you yourself--and treat them like you love them. As soon as there is a wife (or a child) involved, it stops being just about you.

 

Just want to voice my support. I'm divorcing my husband right now. He is looking for an apartment. The catalyst to ask him for a divorce was indeed me coming to terms with the fact I'm gay, BUT, I didn't come out to him. In my case, the marriage has been a total disaster, and he hasn't ever treated me well. In a way, that makes my situation easier, because I didn't have to give him a reason for wanting a divorce. We were both very obviously unhappy and just staying together out of sheer laziness. We do have a child, and I suppose my soon-to-be-ex will find out eventually that I'm gay, but I don't expect to ever discuss it with him. We will have a purely business-like relationship from now on that is only based on our son.

 

So what do you want the outcome to be so you can tell her if you come out? Have you considered the worst-case scenario and what you would do were it to come to pass? I'm not advocating for one step or another ... but judging from some of the posts I read on here it appears that some men come to regret the decision to come out, while others never look back and find a lot of fulfillment. You don't necessarily have to come you know ... if your marriage is happy and functional I can see why you would be hesitant about coming out since you can't really go back after you've done it. Don't let others push you into coming out before you're ready for it.

 

I came out to my straight spouse as gay and divorced so that I could live authentically.

It seems to me that you may want to propose an open marriage so that you can explore your sexuality and determine which label (gay or bi) is closer to the truth.

Just keep in mind that the safest option of doing nothing is only safe in the short term. If you continue to deny your sexuality because you fear losing your wife, then you'll perpetually postpone the conversation and exploration then you won't be able to discover and be the person you were born to be.

 

No need to be so hard on yourself, you will do it when it feels right. I also would venture to guess you probably do already know what to say, and it's more of finding within yourself the right time to do so.

That said, sometimes we just need to "jump" out of the proverbial plane and know that the parachute will help bring you down for a landing. So maybe rather than finding the right time, you might need to find the courage to move towards the door, look outside and jump!

 

I read these posts and yours OTH with great attention ans resolve.

Thank you, as I find myself nearing that doorway too....parachute in hand and courage at the ready..getting ready to jump...

 

I came out to my wife a month ago. One thing that she has said to me several times is that she is glad that I didn't wait any longer to tell her. By telling her, I've included her in the process of making decisions about our family and our future. I had a two year plan, where we moved closer to her family so that she would have support. I was looking for a new job to set her and my kids up better financially. Basically I was trying to make decisions for both of us. That wasn't fair. But I couldn't keep it in any longer and I came out to her. Now she is involved in those decisions that effect her future. We're making choices together.

I just decided to blurt it out one day when we were home alone. Through tears I told her I was gay. I didn't make a big speech or write it out. I didn't think she would process more than those three words "I am gay." Its such a bombshell that it seemed anything else would get lost. It's since lead to long conversations, lots of honesty, tons of explanations, and truly a lot of healing in our marriage. We're going to stay married for another year or two for practical reasons like kids and money. And when we split, we will remain close friends and co-parents.

One piece of advice, when you do have "the talk," give your wife plenty of opportunity to share her emotions, and really listen and give her a chance to express herself. My wife is still struggling with a lack of resources for people in her situation. She finds the Straight Spouses Support Network to be a pretty negative community and not much help. There are lots of places for people to get support for coming out, but not for spouses who are working through heartbreak while remaining supportive. We have realized that, at least until we tell our families and friends that I'm not really out, she has just come into the closet with me. So make sure you give her space and support and really listen when she needs it.

Good luck, best wishes. It is possible to be yourself without losing your best friend.