Sometimes when being me is like bursting...

I have always, well until quite recently, seen my sexuality as if through a prism of separateness.. as if there's me who is watching on saying 'one day' or 'thats interesting' or 'theres a good boy' and then there's the me who is gay and closetted. The me who this deeper feeling whole me just bursting to come out.

I hope that doesnt sound too wacky, but its true.

But now the watching on, maybe for want of a better descriptor or label I'll call it 'the straight guy' cause thats what it feels like. The always holding back, looking over the shoulder as it were, the denier....is fading.

Honesty, self honesty, directly looking into oneself and accepting, better still welcoming all those 'bits' that make up me, is like being revitalised.

Like a painting reworked, pulled out of the cupboard after years, dusted off, not denied or denounced for not being true, but celebrated for being a part of the journey, for playing a part in getting me here, in being here.

I'm prodding day by day, come on justjulien...come out, for until you do, until I do part of me is denied, like unrequitted love...

I've found Pinterest (with anonimity) and Instagram (with discretion, letting out hints of me) are great places (if virtual ones) to see and observe ones own reactions to all these mirror versions, these glimpes of oneself, snippets that are me, from moment to moment, from things loved to opposite. Denying none. My favourite galleries, 85 percent of the time are what society pockets as gay, creative, arty, a bit feminine, and mostly not masculine...

And more and more I click on the identifier, that says, for those who might know me 'is he ..'. knowing, seeing myself spreading out, widening the view, coming out through art, through images, through association.

Two days back, in the morning before getting, I was looking at the gallery of a really beautiful man, the attraction in me was so strong...it was wonderful..and certainly not the first time. That beautiful feeling of feeling attraction to someone. Yet it was just photos...am the thoughts run, "how lovelly it might be to meet him."

And yesterday, noticing, looking with interest at a guy in the street, who caught my eye, and came the thought... how would he look naked...there I was stripping him in my thoughts...and I saw its ok, just a thought, and near to 60 I see acknowledge and recognise this in me, its never been something Ive felt with women. Not in all my life have I felt this way so strongly about men, and at the same time now I see how much I have suppressed these feelings, which feel so full and true to who I am. Even as I write Im smiling.

What I also find is those who seem to follow me, are more often than not, like me...(by their choices and gallerys)...funny that...there's a truth far more than a stereotype that sees creative men are often also gay, or leaning there. ...at least ts true for this creative man...the straight projecting gay bloke from downunder....

I guess what I'm saying is whereever I look, whatever I look at, I see as a gay man.. not as a label, but what I relate to is what other men relate too.. I guess I'm stating the obvious. There is a fluidity about human sexuality which I hold with to some degree, however at the same what I find, while not wanting to get caught in labels, is that with all the 'truths' Im allowed myself to own up to over recent years and these very recent months, is the deeply held internal knowing that I am and have been since boyhood, birth I guess, homosexual. And writing that here, sharing that truth here with you all is a most exhilarating, self acknowledging and empowering act.

I'm gushing because I'm bursting. I feel so much delight joy sympatico when seeing beautiful men, (sometimes over the years chatting with), the art of men, the tastes of men.

But now I have the joy of feeling this intensity, bursting to talk face to face with others who share this, other gay men.

I am over hiding. EC is one vital step along the way. Just writing this and previous posts is like having a bath, helping me in this coming out quest...honesty and truth.

I am so pleased to be where I am, it is the proximity to feeling like the glass wall is shaking to the point of shattering that is palpable and real!!!! .

Please tell me your experiences...did you burst, have you felt this way...

Thats better...a bit more of the onion peeled away, justjulien. to you all for your kindness, honesty and support...it really is real!!!

Adapting Spocks famous words, from Live Long and Prosper, to Live Gay and Openly Prosper.(&&&)

To sleep per chance to dream dear prince...

 

lol...(!)

 

Dear Texan, dear Rana, you truly crack me up...your take on this is refreshing... like running through the garden sprinkler as a kid on a hot hot summers day...

Yep bursting out ..it says it all. So in my own way I get where your at...

Sometimes it just a glance, something catches your eye, your attention and wham... and in truth its always personal. As you suggest its in ones own mind..so true so true.

I think in these few months Ive been here, Ive calmed down a bit... found a level in myself... acceptance enjoyment a quietness. Then if course theres a that picture like i saw tonight a photo, a guy in white bathers, and it just works. Its that internal feeling that comes with a flood like nothing else. The attraction so strong. Undeniable. And then, whats all the fuss Julien... lol. It's funny as I've reflected on the past I just can't find memories of those intense feelings about girls. Im sure they were there. Why do I search, habit I guess. But somehow, those days seem so far far away. So vague. Of little interest other than it was the past. A different life, mindset.

Fairdinkum..so true so true

 

Having never heard of the Unicorn Frappuccino,,I laughed at first, I was puzzled, but also underneath immediately felt unsure...mostly because I felt you got me, nailed it in a frothy sweet and sour soda...naked in the spotlight.

So I went away, to think and ponder deep down and look close inside...asking what did you see, what is yncovered. This is good!!!

So here it is.. in a metaphor:

"Here for a few days only: The flavor-changing, color-changing, totally not-made-up Unicorn Frappuccino. Magical flavors start off sweet and fruity transforming to pleasantly sour. Swirl it to reveal a color-changing spectacle of purple and pink. It's finished with whipped cream-sprinkled pink and blue fairy powders."

And somehow I relate to it...it seems to tell much...the flavours of me, my life...

Thank you OntheHighway...you see me, and if a little unfortable at first, all in all thats good.