Hi friends.... I feel like i'm going through a lot of feelings, and I don't know how to understand them fully. I'll try to break them down into categories: Home - Some of you already know that my hometown where my family all live is across the world from where I (and my daughter and ex) live, and my ex's family are in another, completely different part of the world. I keep getting stronger and stronger feelings that the city we live in now is home, that feeling is clear. but there have been some other feelings that are coming up too... For some background - it may seem counter-intuitive, but shortly after deciding to separate, my ex and I decided what our daughter needs more than anything is to stay put, not move anywhere, not even near either of our families. This feeling of home here, where we live now, is strong and clear to me. But what is confusing to me is the sadness that i've been feeling in the last week related to that feeling. It's not a strong feeling of sadness, just a hint of it. I've just come back from a visit to my family, and i suppose it's related to that trip home. When I was visiting my family, i was really looking forward to this feeling of being myself so fully, being me finally to the fullest and also being around all these people i love. My family have not seen me like this, ever, I've been wishing to share this sense of self I've gained since I've come out. And I was expecting it to feel really freeing, comfortable, happy. But being back there, I felt something different than expected. What i felt instead was this sense that I wasn't quite at home anymore. I felt this shift where my sense of me and my sense of my hometown didn't feel like it was quite congruent anymore. Not hugely, just this hint of not being quite at home there anymore. I don't know how to really get any further in understanding these feelings, this is about as far as I've gotten... My ex - I had some really difficult things happening with my ex over the last month or so. But we've talked the last few days and things have started feeling better. We had a really open and honest discussion about practical things yesterday, and i had this feeling that maybe we really can be a good team. So that's all good... but the emotions that hit me today surprised me. At some point in the day today i wrote a message to my ex about things we needed to get done and i was writing in a playful tone. I was suddenly struck with all of these emotions, love and appreciation for everything good that I've ever experienced with my ex. It struck me really suddenly. It made me wonder something - i get this instinctive feeling that maybe my ex is really starting to let me go. And that makes me feel a lot of love and appreciation for him. It's what i need from him more than anything, and even a hint of that makes me feel a rush of gratitude. I love him deeply as a person, and I have always known that in the future when things have settled, if we are on good terms, that i would be able to have so much fondness for him, and hopefully consider him like a best friend. I just worry that my emotions are getting ahead of themselves. It's not likely that he's really accepting me moving on, or that he won't give me a lot of pressure to do things very differently than i need to do them. I just don't know what to do with this rush of emotions. Misc I just feel like my emotions are really strong right now in general, and there's so many of them, going up and down. Anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, excitement, worry, anxiety, optimism, fear..... i don't know what to do with these feelings, how to really get a grip on them. Does anybody have any thoughts on any of this?
wow that is a lot to sort out, lets have a look. home; yes where we're raised is home and will always be but maybe not 'our' home. for example my brother was raised here in this little village i live in and we've both walked over every inch of it thousands of times, we both moved to the city when we were in our late teens early twenties, he stayed and thats home for him, he's even said that here just isnt home any more. for me i hated the city but came home after 8 years and built a life, now im not feeling the home draw as much (been home since 95) and im looking to move to a larger town where i work. so i guess home is where you make it and that can change. your Ex; great that your getting along again, but i wonder if he's being reasonable now that he knows you're not moving out anytime soon? he knows you're a bit stuck till you get the visa straightened out, he keeps his status quo? strong emotions are probably natural for a person who cares as deeply as i've seen in you, and you've had such a roller coaster these past couple years. being mindful is important and i've been told to let my emotions roll and experience them. i've kept mine in strong control for years so i may have a different perspective here on this one.
So I was thinking things through yesterday, and I realised what I've been feeling is a general feeling of being unsettled. In terms of this feeling of home, I know what I need and where I want to be... but I have this battle with this visa, which mostly includes a LOT of waiting... And in terms of my ex, I was feeling positive changes, but not sure I can trust that feeling. And the up and down rollercoaster of feelings by themselves, are unsettling. I still feel unsettled but, things are looking up I think. I want to give an update on that, but I'll do it in response to your post. What you say about home is so true. Until I had my daughter I always imagined I'd wander the world or at least move around a bit and experience several different places. Once I had her I thought we'd move around while she's young and then choose a place to settle when she's in school, but likely not more than 5-6 hours from my family by car (or my ex's). I never pictured myself choosing to take root with my 5 year old in a city so far from home/my family, completely on my own, a single mom. It's a bit daunting, but it feels more and more right as our home. About my ex.... I'm a little nervous writing this because I'm afraid to be happy about it and then get let down, but here it is: I think he is accepting that we have ended, that life is changing, and I'm moving on, and he will too. Last night we had a conversation about all kinds of practical things again. And i brought up moving. I said well I will want to leave as soon as the visa is sorted, even though we had to sign our lease here, and i've been thinking about how we can manage that....here's my thoughts. He actually sat down and talked the whole thing out with me very practically. How we would prepare our daughter, what we would do to help her adjust. He then talked about getting to know my partner and her kids. He also started talking about being here (in this city) in the long term. With some reservations and concerns and fears, but he was realising that it's going to be our likely path. And then he said (i didn't say this, HE said this): if you decide when you move out that you want to move in with your partner, how we can prepare M (our daughter) for it.....? And then we talked about practical things related to that. This conversation actually took place.... in reality. I'm still a bit shocked about all of it. Today I'm taking my daughter out for a day in the park with my partner.... My life is starting to look like it's really changing, and my ex is starting to accept it. I don't fully believe it yet. If he is really able to accept things, we can work together to get the visa sorted. He even said he'll try to help in his workplace to figure out some ways to move forward with the visa. And i'll be seeing the immigration attorney soon. So I may really be moving on with my life. It's all a bit surreal.
Dear Baristejedi There are so many feelings to contend with. I am not nearly so far along as you on what now seems like a journey to somewhere else on so many different levels - but I can still relate to the rollercoaster. You are forever connected to your H by the daughter you made together. It would appear that you still get on as people. I too get on with my H, despite everything. So for me there is huge sadness and guilt for not feeling able to make it work as a married couple...and there are still happy moments in the present and happy memories. From what you say there is actually a lot of hope...you are both evolving and discovering a new relationship with each other...this will be a good role model for your daughter too, on how things change, but you can still make it work. I applaud you both. I hope I too will find the inner strength to be a good role model for my children in the future.
Thanks peterpangirl Yeah there really are so many emotions to deal with. I hope you and your H can be a good team through it all. My ex H and I have not been a good team for much of this and really for much of our marriage. We're learning to be kinder and he's finally seeming to accept that things are ending...at least I hope that's what he's doing. I'm just hoping to get my daughter through this all in one piece. It's funny the instincts that made me fear the separation (protecting my daughter), are the same ones now propelling me forward... I keep thinking she needs me to be in a good home as soon as possible, no more fighting, happier and healthier parents, etc.
