Feeling better

Over the last year I have been caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and confusion about coming to terms with who I am. Since admitting to myself that I am gay I thought that I had begun to become a different person. After chatting on here to some of my lovely EC friends it became clear from something one of them said that I am not becoming someone else I am unwrapping who I really am. This was so true.

It has been and is still to a certain extent the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. From the beginning, falling in love with a woman, not expected and not reciprocated... realising that it was actually the first time I had properly been in love, the situation, who she was... nothing was easy and it turned my world upside down, as I knew then my life had changed for ever!

I had some serious highs as the new found feelings I had developing inside me were easily accepted and welcomed. I love this new exclusive club I have been accepted into. The meetings I have been to I have enjoyed and will be going again. The nightclub I got totally drunk in was somewhere I felt so at home. Everyone there just wanted to have fun, be happy and make friends. I loved it. And no one cared that this 52 year old woman was bopping the night away next to people half her age.

I have in the last week or so told 2 more friends. That left me feeling very vulnerable but I think this is all part of a process and the feeling is passing now. I feel a bit awkward when going out on my regular Friday meal night with my straight mates. 2 know, the rest are unaware of what I have been going through. But I will tell them soon.

Last night I had my best straight mate round with her 2 teenagers for a get together for my sons birthday. We drank too much and had a really good evening. My youngest son thought it was hilarious that I went away for the weekend to the most well known gay town. We chatted about this and about gay people and did he know anyone that was gay etc etc. He went into his room and I followed him in. I told him. It came out so easy and so quick. "I'm gay, don't ask me any details, but I just need you to know so I can be me" His reply.. "OK , whatever" So with that I went up to my older sons room and told him. And he was cool too. Then it was downstairs and I told my friends children.

I feel normal this morning. I don't feel I have to shut my laptop when they bring me a cup of tea. When I go to my next meetup I will not have to make out it is with someone from work. I can just be me.

I haven't been posting on here as much as I first did when I joined EC. Most of my posts had been needing support and advice but I wanted to post this today, to share for anyone else that feels like there is no hope at feeling better, that they don't think there will be a light at the end of the tunnel... that you are on your own with the confusing feelings you have. Don't give up on here. Stay on EC and chat and talk and eventually you will get to a better place and you will feel better. You will realise that you are not on your own. You will work through it. it is hard and you will have incredible highs and some fecking awful lows but each one passes and when it does a little more of the real you will emerge, stronger and wiser and more determined to become who you really are and start to enjoy your life.

I am still very nervous about what is to come... if anything? But I am moving forward now, not going back... there is no going back. I love you all EC members xx

 

Hello lovelies... I was wondering where you all were! I missed you all xxxx I have been coming on most nights but it seems to have slowed down. When I started on here there were a group of us that all seemed to have such similar things going on. I have grown accustomed to chatting on here and sharing with all of you. I know we are all adjusting and getting to new places/stages in our lives, but I do love my EC buddies. I have even deactivated my FB as my interest has totally gone with it! This is my new FB.

I am still on the upper part of a good mood. I have still have the feeling now and then that a 'low' could be coming but it hasn't hit as hard as previous lows have.

I normally go out on a Friday night but last week I felt so out of touch with the whole evening. It was hard. I chatted to my straight mate about this and how my Friday night friends seem so quiet now. At closing time they are off, and I am still ready for more. My straight mate text me back today. I was trying to get her to go somewhere a bit livelier with me this Friday. She sent me this message. It has really made me think. Moving forward is the only thing I can do now. I can't stay the same. I keep trying to fit the new me in with my current life. It simply is not working. I don't like that part really, as I do have some great friends, friends that would do anything for me as I would for them. I don't intend to lose them but I need more... this is what she put in her text. She is an amazing person, so unselfish and kind. I wouldn't be here chatting like this without her support.

..... "You are really going to have to find some high energy friends that can keep up with you. You are wanting to make up for lost time. You have this new found zest for life, a new way of life to explore, but the rest of us are the same as we always were (boring you might say) I love that you have all this energy and enthusiasm but I am not a people person or even that sociable. I went to the club meetup with you to support you and really had a great time, but that was enough excitement to last me for a long time lol. You need to go for it... enjoy yourself and your new future"

I do have this new found energy. I can feel it. It's pulling me forward and I really don't think I can ignore it. I now know that I just have to keep arranging to go to the meetups. make some new friends hopefully, a new avenue to explore. I have just joined a group nearer me. The others were both 1 1/2 hours away, this one is 40 mins but I can drive. I was playing safe before. I didn't want to bump into anyone I knew. But now I don't really care. What was so hard to get out of my mouth a few months ago seems to fall out now!

Then every now and then I sit and think 'what am I doing' why would anyone want to be with me... 52 years old... average looking. But I do have a lot of energy hahaha, then I think, well. If I don't go out and have a look about I will never know. And I can't be the only 52 year old energetic dyke that's always on a diet can I? And what is the worst that can happen!

I still think about my catalyst a lot. I don't see her picture now that i'm not on facebook. That helps. But pictures do come up within my family WhatsApp and it still tugs so fecking hard when I do see her. I think she will always have that affect. But I know from the club I went to that I was attracted to someone else. So I have to try.

Moonsparkle, I know what you mean about thinking that the loneliness will be forever, but if we all think back to how we felt when we first joined this site... we didn't think the pain would stop. It may not be completely gone but to even consider some of the things we are thinking of now shows that it has to have eased. We need to get out there and show all the lovely lesbian ladies how much we have to offer. Hahaha I can't believe I just put that xx I have so much love at the moment that I want to share. Need to share. I am scared stiff. I have never had a relationship last. Never felt a connection with anyone until 'her' and that wasn't meant to be. I need to look. And none of us will find that staying at home.

Hello Bluenote... have you confided in anyone yet. That was my biggest and best stepping stone. And it is so isolating. Even with one friend I found I was in my own little world. I can not begin to tell you how lovely it is to have all my lads know. Well all but one. I have a son that lives abroad. I haven't plucked that much courage up yet as he lives in the same place as my catalyst. I can tell him and say it's just my lads that know at the moment... that's another thing to sort at a later date. I'm feeling to good to worry about it now!

Charly4410 I dream about the day I can say to my lads... "I want you to meet someone" how brilliant they all got on. I am so happy for you xxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Oh the power of the internet. I have been awake 5 minutes and have purchased 3 books without even getting out of bed! Thanks you the book info ladies. I am a little lost without facebook... a good read will be time better spent! I bought a 3rd... has anyone read this? Lesbian Epiphanies: Women Coming Out in Later Life (Haworth Gay & Lesbian Studies)

Moonsparkle... was it you that was trying to watch the film 'Carol'? I have just seen there is a book about that on amazon. xxx

 

Amazon just delivered... The Well of Loneliness is here. I am actually going to bed early to read! I never read. I loved to read years ago to the kids all the time, but I would fall asleep as soon as I read anything for me! What is happening... my whole being is changing hahahahaha

 

Not started it yet. I have been on here a lot tonight. Now I am on my PC in my bedroom instead of curled up in bed with my secret laptop! Such a relief to be on a big screen with a proper keyboard. My lads are not nosey, and I have never had any secrets or things I needed to hide from them before... but EC, Meetups and a few other sites I kept under lock and key. They still don't know I go on these, no need for them too... but now I just minimise the window when they come in the room and they respect my privacy and don't ask. I have been doing other stuff online and working and then popping on and off here catching up. LOVE IT!!!

One asked earlier where I went last night. I can't help myself! "Pub quiz with the lesbos" I answered. I left a 20 year old male standing there speechless!

 

Price of Salt still not arrived but this one did https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1560239646/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 so now I am reading this one...