Finally accepted myself... what do I do now?

Hi lostdownunder

Welcome to EC :welcome:

Congratulations on coming out to yourself and joining EC to educate yourself about your sexuality. You will find a warm and supportive community who can help you understand yourself.

The statement "I don't really want to be gay" is very typical for people who are coming to terms with their sexuality. You probably learned growing up that being gay is wrong or evil given your conservative background, which created shame and internalized homophobia in you. You need to unlearn these lessons and heal the shame and internalized homophobia such that you can begin to love yourself and see that you get to be gay. This blog might help you get started - Healing the shame of being gay

It sounds like you don't have a girlfriend or wife, which simplifies your coming out process.

Are you seeing a therapist or other mental health professional about the anxiety/depression? While coming out will probably help improve the anxiety, there may be other behaviors that would benefit from therapy.

 

Hello. I felt like this when I realised I was gay at 52! Like you I had been on my own for many years and had accepted that I was going to be single forever. Something happened that changed that. I have had a year of being up and down and questioning many things. I now feel that I am on the other side and beginning to feel better. I came out to one friend at first. I needed to share and have someone to talk to.

Joining EC is the best thing you could have done. There will be so many lovely people on here that will share their experiences with you, and then you will be able to decide what is the best move forward for you from here.

In the last week I have come out to 2 more friends, my 4 sons and my closest friends teenage children. I do feel better.

Have you got a close friend. Someone that you can talk to and confide in. Just start with one person and get comfortable with that... there is no rush. No time limit to how long you take with this. What I will say is that I really believe once you admit your true feelings to yourself there is only one way to go. Forward. Be happy and be yourself. It is scary but with the scary you will also begin to feel a growing feeling of excitement. I look forward to chatting on here with you some more xx

 

Hey you have taken some massive steps. Are there any LGBT groups in your area you could look into?

 

Hi lostdownunder, well done from a fellow Aussie,,its a big thing, a courageous and a good thing to come to a truth about yourself. Well done...!

People dont nessecarily guess one thing or another. They, we just see you as you. Here, there is a community who are in much the same boat...its a good place to find helpful support to find your way.

Conservative family, work, friends....a life, I understand.

Best leason Ive learnt...be kind to yourself..."Im ok" and thats "a good thing".

Take care and smile at the small things, the little successes...whatever they are...and just simply be "you".

You're Ok. Truly..!

 

You can only work with what you have . Dancing bananas are a great place to start (!).
The people who mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind

 

Well, not only is it what it is, but you can embrace it and learn to love yourself. Your journey of self discovery is now starting!

As stated above by others, you should look to work through shame and internalised homophobia as you progress on your journey of self discovery. The idea is to build self esteem, self worth, confidence and love whom you are.

Your head is no doubt spinning at the moment, and there is a lot you need to absorb. As you do, think about these concepts:

Vulnerability: as you open yourself up to yourself, open yourself up to others. Just as you exposed yourself and posted on EC, take risks and continue to do so to friends, family, etc. I am not suggesting you do this all at once, certainly take baby steps. But as you open up, expose yourself and take risks, you will build confidence while doing so. As you build confidence and self esteem, your able to better work through the shame.

Closure: Wether your sexuality was deeply repressed or you consciously lived in the closet as a form of self preservation (both of which are completely understandable), look to find closure from those emotionally traumatic events in your life that lead you to consciously or subconscioulsy create the emotional wall you had built, As you seek closure, and are able to emotionally move on form those traumatic events, you will free yourself of those historical emotional burdens and allow yourself to progress on your journey and embrace whom you are.

As also stated, and which I will reiterate directly on the thread, read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and 10 Smart Things Gay Man Can Do To Improve Their Lives by Joe Kurt (the later which I am actually now in the middle of reading myself). These books provide great perspective on the emotional impedements typical of gay men along with ways in which to overcome such impedements.

As the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day, and your journey of self discovery will take time. There will be ups and downs. Embrace the positives and be patient regarding the challenges. You have taken a huge step at this point, and now the real work begins to take what you have accomplished and turn it into becoming the man your supposed to be and love your life authentically.

Keep posting on EC, there are a lot of concepts in this thread worthy of further exploration and you will find great support as you progress of your journey of self discovery. Your not alone!

 

Hey thanks for the update. What do you think it is that went wrong? What caused you to close yourself off again. I of course cannot tell you what you should or shouldn't do and I don't think I would be telling you anything you didn't already know but if you already have physical difficulties with the girl one thing I can promise you is that is never going to get any easier.
Come back to EC and talk to us here I am sure we can help you get through this.

 

First, your not alone in many regards.. Though I don't consider myself Gay but I am Bi and both Genders / Gender-fluid.. I can't just be "Me" in RL for much the same reasons, Career, Community etc. though my immediate family does know it's not a subject that we really talk about, and If I were to date other than hetero I doubt I would ever do a family meet etc because it would be awkwards etc.

I've also tried denying things about myself and found that it just doesn't work... I've lots of friends online over the years (mostly CD's etc. since I do dress and need to express my female side) who have been closeted and living two lives and I even tried the same and it was not only miserable existence but also causes a Huge amount of Anxiety and Stress... In the end when my regular Hetero relationship ended (not for sexual reasons) I decided that I would never have another relationship without being Honest and Open about myself and my Sexuality and that put and end to much of the Stress and Anxiety. Now my last relationship was with a woman, but she accepted my female side and even enjoyed being in the Male role in the bedroom and that was wonderful, though the relationship ended for other reasons.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter Who you are or What your Sexuality is there is a way to make your life work. Maybe a Male "Friend" who is also not Out.. where you can be You, but not have to lose your Career or Family etc. Maybe that's not the "Ideal" situation, but then most people don't live in a perfect world, just a Compromise that has balance and is sustainable. One other thing to consider too.. Though everyone wants romance and a relationship, far too often we take what we can find instead of just waiting for what we really need and want.. And if you are faithful then you might well miss being with the right person because you are just biding time with the wrong one. Just my Opinion.