I hope you all don't mind me sharing a bit of stream of consciousness.... these are just some things I've put down in writing to get out some of my feelings: ------ Drifting, waiting. Hope. Fear. Needs. All have to wait, all yield to time. I want to pound the pavement, I want to run, scream, sing, take, do, be. Instead I wait, move an inch, move a millimetre. There was a time when all I did was think, dream, look inward. Wish. Want. Wonder. Cry. Silent screams, silent dreams, beating my fists in the air, living in my dreams, living in my head. But now, I live. I'm awake, I'm alive. I live, breathe, feel. I feel the grass in my toes, sing with the birds, the world is a canvas, I paint my life, I swim, I run, I sing, I play, I dance. I love. I see. I'm seen. I feel. Pleasure. Desire. Joy. Life. I want to live. I want to move. I want to run. But I wait. Until.... How long do I stay still? How long do I hope, fear, want, need...wait?
you wait but are not still, an inch, a millimeter is movement not stillness. even the caterpillar gets to where they need to be in the fullness of time. (*hug*)
Hey Baristajedi, I can actually feel your words, they ring so true, and yet... What I'm trying to say is, the overwhelming realization after my "great awakening" a few months ago was that I had been living in my head for so long. My senses woke up when I fell for the other woman. I don't think I had ever, or could ever remember feeling so alive, and awake and "of the sensory world". That full body baptism of love(?), whatever it was, maybe a realization of my capacity for sensual love, it knocked me over in such a powerful way. Now, months later, I'm finding myself, although newly aware of my orientation, back to the cerebral world, living with my husband, knowing what could be but trying to decide if it's worth tipping my whole life out of the boat to pursue that other feeling. I miss that feeling of Pleasure. Desire. Joy. Life. as you put it. And I didn't even experience anything with the other woman except a profound crush that was not reciprocated. I'm excited for you that you are in a place where you can go forward with all of these very ALIVE feelings and dive into them. You have all of that ahead of you. Take heart in that it's all there for you - just waiting.
"maybe a realisation of my capacity for sensual love, it knocked me over in such a powerful way". Yes, Bluenote, you nailed it right there. That's what it felt like for me too! And - once that has reached your conscious mind, having presumably lurked, well-repressed in the subconscious for so long - it's so damned​ hard to ignore or bury that new level of self-awareness , isn't it? Thank you for sharing your stream of consciousness, Baristajedi. ---------- Post added 8th May 2017 at 06:54 PM ---------- By the way, can anyone tell me how to add a strapline motto thingy to my posts?
OTH - thanks for the hugs (*hug*) back to you lookingforme - thanks for the encouragement. I'm working on eating my elephant it's a large task. I feel a bit more encouraged today because I've been making great progress with my ex, I actually truly feel we're on the same team now and talking things through well, and even rekindling our friendship ---------- Post added 9th May 2017 at 04:07 AM ---------- Bluenote, you can go forward too, you can have all the beautiful and joyful and full feelings of being you integrated into your life. Are you trying to stay and make things work with your husband? Is that what you want to do? I considered making it work with my ex as well.... but I realised st some point that whether I stayed or not, I needed to embrace and experience my sexuality, it's absolutely essential. Hugs to you, I hope you find the answers you need to find (*hug*) ---------- Post added 9th May 2017 at 04:10 AM ---------- Peterpangirl- I would say it's impossible to ignore or bury it! I know how hard it I should to be in that stage of trying but to decide what to do wothbyour life once you've acknowledged this essential part of yourself. I can tell you how to do the siggy but I don't remember off the top of my head... I'll try to retrace my steps and come back to the thread
