Since I came out to my wife a week ago, everything has changed and nothing has changed. The coming out process hasn't been bad. My wife is incredibly supportive and understanding. It hurts us both to think about the future of our family, but it's going to be ok. But I feel restless and sad. I don't have supportive parents or siblings. They don't know yet, but their reaction is easy to predict. I wouldn't want their support if they offered because they have caused me a lot of pain already. I've moved every few years for the last 15 years so I don't many friends. Those that I have are really my wife's, and mostly are out of state. It feels pretty lonely. I guess I want to continue to find myself as a gay man, but I can't do that because of the responsibility I have to my wife and kids right now. And at the same time, I don't want to leave them because I love them. When I do eventually leave, in a year or two, I'll be leaving the only two people on earth that really love me to be in my own again. But I can't be my true self in a heterosexual marriage. I've been trying to keep busy just to pass the time and distract myself, but I've been having nightmares. This feels overwhelming. I'm impatient and terrified of the future all at once. Can someone lend me a time machine to fast forward a few months or to go back in time a decade? Or tell me how to handle my emotiona and get through this? I'm tired of feeling down!
ARB, I'm going to offer a few thoughts with the caveat that I've never been married and I don't have kids. So these are my thoughts as an out gay man who started from a very different place than you. Sometimes I'm feeling trapped when I try to solve the entire equation at once. In my case I'm 44 and I look forward and say things like "But how will I be happy in retirement? Who will take care of me when I'm old? What do I want my legacy to be?" They're all important questions that need answers, but they're just too overwhelming to tackle at once. So first, I suggest taking things a day at a time. You are just making the first inputs that are going to turn your ship a full 180 degrees. Please give it time and don't try to look too far ahead right now. Yes, it's scary, but we are all here for you and you will find love and support in your physical life in abundance. You already have an understanding wife, which is huge. When your children are old enough I think they'll understand and admire a father who had the courage to walk his own path and be fully available to them as an out gay man. Soon you will want to find an LGBT center and plug in to the local community and resources available to you. This may also be a factor in your choice where to live, if you don't already have a strong LGBT community nearby. If you don't have many LGBT resources nearby then socialize in non-LGBT circles where you get emotional support, and just be yourself and try to be with people aside from focusing on the coming out journey all the time. Do the things that remind you of who you are, because at a fundamental level, you still are you. As for your marriage, you now have a greater number of options available to you than you did in the closet. You may agree to an open marriage for a while, you may have a trial separation while you live close by as a friend, or you may design another arrangement that works for you and your wife. Please keep an open mind and don't panic. The reality is that you have a lot of freedom to choose what fits of everyone, and that's the only way forward, albeit with some fear of the unknown and coping with rapid change. Something I'm still (at 44) learning is how to fully embrace the freedoms (and fears) that come with being gay. One day it's liberating and blissful, and other days it feels disconnected and painful. However, life itself is also dichotomous that way and no one has the "right" answers. Rigid and comfortable myths give us a social construct to follow, but those very myths are what you felt to be constricting and oppressive before coming out. Once you realize you're LGBT the myths that support conventional heterosexual life becoming glaringly obvious. I can only imagine how it must gnaw at someone who has a vague fear that their life isn't their own; that they're just following a script. This is a danger for anyone of any orientation. It's good to shed myths and blaze our own trails, but it's also really sobering to confront the reality of freedom head-on. But, after all, isn't life inherently about managing risk, and aren't we always free to choose to begin with? I think we tend to forget this because we're so involved in myth. We take the perceived peace and sanctuary of a myth - but at the price of taking our own risks and gaining our own rewards. This is the very essence of coming out. Other than those musings (ramblings), my advice is more down to earth: get lots of sleep, eat well, be gentle with yourself, get exercise, and above all, be with people who nurture you. If you're religious be with those folks, or if you think you would benefit from exploring your faith, this is the time. Patrick
Hi ARB, I've been meaning to write on this post, because as soon as I read your words, so much of my own experience came through in your words. My life is far from sorted but today I feel joy, life, fullness and confidence, and I'm on the path to living in harmony with who I am, and it's incredibly wonderful - challenging, stressful getting there, but so worth it. I started off my journey, much like you, married, living far far from family, with no real friends. I've a 4 year old girl (she was 2 when I came out to my (now soon to be ex) husband). I felt totally alone, totally isolated. It wasn't easy and a lot of it came down to finding the emotional resolve to take a huge leap of faith, but I'm so glad I came out, so glad I've made choices to change my life to follow that path. In my case, I separated from my husband and now I'm making steps towards living as an out gay, single mom. I started off by going to therapy with an LGBT therapist and finding support in the community, attending LGBT events and groups. It takes a bit of time to reach out and make friends, but now I have a huge community of support around me. And then one by one I came out to the people I love. I won't make it sound easy, it's not, but this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. And I know around the corner there is peace and greater contentment when the major stresses settle down more fully. I hope that helps a little to hear my story.
Patrick, I've read them several times of the last several days and have been thinking about what you said about my tha in particular. My wife and I have kind of agreed to take a break from these deep conversations for a few days, but I might share your comments with her. We've been discussing what a "modern family" can be. Baristajedi, your story does give me hope for the future. I see that kind of future for myself. I just want the journey to go faster. I know that isn't how life works, and that the process is important. My wife and I agree that soon we need to sit down and make a plan for the process. I think we will both feel better with a checklist of steps and milestones to make sure that we are both moving forward and getting what we need. You give me confidence that my goals are achievable! Thanks so much to both of you!
I'm rooting for you... maybe I need to hear about how it will work for someone in a similar situation. I relate to a lot of what had to say. I, too, came out to my wife... it wasn't that recent anymore. She did not take it as well your wife did, but we came to the same agreement to table the discussions for a while... that was 7 months ago... we have made plans a couple of times, but it hasn't happen. She seems okay with how things are; has said "we will get through this"... feels like I'm starting over.
Hey Mr T. We're tabling the big discussions about the future, but we both recognize it as part of our lives and at least mention it in passing every day. We've both promised to be very open with our feelings. I think we can only be happy as partners (however we decide to define that) if we are both individually happy. I wrote down a thought a while back, I probably read it somewhere:"Her emotions do not define mine. Empathy, not co-misery."
When I was going through a similar period, I found that identifying as a gay dad was very helpful and acknowledged both important aspects of who I am. Are there any support groups/meetups of gay dads in your area? These would help you get through this rough patch. You suggest that you plan to abdicate your role as dad down the road; am I interpreting this correctly? FWIW, there's no reason for you to do so unless you desire so. The best countermeasure for overwhelm (other than the amazing time-bending devices you suggest) is to confront and break down the source of overwhelm into actionable baby steps. While I loved my ex-wife, it wasn't true love in hindsight. I suspect you are in a similar situation. Once you find the true love of another man, things will fall into place and you will begin to develop clarity.
No! I do not plan to leave my kids! I guess I said that in my first post, but that's not what I meant. There isn't much in terms of resources in my area. It's pretty rural here. It's been challenging to even find an LGBT affirming therapist within an hours drive. We just had a brief conversation while I was in the middle of typing this post. I'm trying hard to stick to my own advice, but she keeps talking about getting a cat and being alone, feeling used up, left behind. Her feelings are valid, but she seems so reliant on me. She seems to see her future as a spinster and mine as fabulous. I feel a little guilty for that, but I'm trying not to feel responsible.
It is understandable that you feel guilty for your wife’s feelings to some extent. However, I don’t think it’s fair of her to put pressure on you the way she does (picturing herself as a pathetic spinster). When my husband left me I felt devastated but in the end it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Your wife can’t see it now but she will be better off starting anew than being stuck in a marriage where she for obvious reasons won’t be loved the way she wants to. It will take time for her to realize that though, and she needs the time, I think. It’s like mourning, being able to let go of something you love. But stick to your own good advice and don’t let yourself get irritated too much if possible.
I was listening to a Savage Love podcast the other day where he was discussing how two open minded people could define their non traditional marriage however they choose. He went on to describe, amongst other things, how marriages can exist when two people are life partners, but not necessarily romantic partners. The economics may not permit them to separate, they are still very much respectful of one another, and might even have kids. Instead of living together as romantic partners, they live together as life partners, but allow for romantic relationships to be had with others. I guess this approach is what might be concerned a modern family. It also resonates with me as it relates to my own experience and the choices I had to make. One of the forks in the road that I came upon, after coming out to my former spouse, was her desire to indefinitely maintain the marriage in a similar fashion. Where I had built an emotional wall during our marriage, neglecting myself and causing my family to reciprocate and neglect me, I did not feel I would have been able to proceed in such a scenario. Fortunately, I was comfortable that I could maintian my financial obligations to my family for the foreseeable future (my kids were older and on their way to university), and my then spouse had grown to be independent. That said, given various living circumstances, we were not able to divorce for a full three years after I came out. So we planned a way to get through the interim three year period. As part of this, we agreed that I would look to fully embrace my sexuality and continue on my journey. It was not an easy road, there were lots of ups and downs. Since then, we have divorced, I have remarried, and my ex wife and I continue to engage with one another on a regular basis, although not at an emotional level that we previously did (which looking back is actually not a bad thing). Everyone has different circumstances as you are reading others respond. And it is your job to keep an open mind and navigate based on your specific circumstances. I would caution you, however, taking breaks from the discussions might be easy to do and you and your wife may feel they are necessary, however, I would caution against doing so indefinitely. If you do need a break, make sure to establish a specific time for which to reingage and stick to it. The last thing you need is for a break to become permenant and the discussion move to the background. That will not be fair to you nor your wife.
OTH, I heard a similar show about the various forms of partnership on the Dear Sugar podcast. I think that fits with what Patrick was saying about societal myths. I see that there will be a few years between now and when I can divorce. What does that transition time look like? This is what's bothering me most at the moment. I can see goals on the other end of it, but so much of that time just seems like waiting. Answers will come with time, im sure. This is all still new, but I feel impatient. Everything changed two weeks ago when I came out, but nothing is really changing right now. I feel like a new person stuck in an old pattern.
The time period can be quite a balancing act. Juggling the need to progress on your own journey (which you need to do), manage the relationship and emotions with your spouse, and be there for the kids - it is complex. You will not get it all right. It's not possible. But, you can do it the best you can and manage through it. I do believe, however, you owe it to yourself to progress on your journey even during this period. For my spouse, she took an out of sight out of mind approach and asked that I maintain speration between our family and what I did to progress on my journey. It was a fair request, but not an easy one to maintain all the time. Set some ground rules and boundaries. Do the best you can. Move forward.
Today I'm not in my most encouraged state but I think I can give you a fairly realistic picture of those 3 years. Some of it will feel like waiting, some will be stressful and I won't sugarcoat how difficult it can be, but likely you will be making steps towards experiencing or exploring your sexuality; expressing who you are; making friends and going to new activities and events. And those things for me have been exhilarating, freeing, joyful, powerful and wonderful. So you're in for a mix of very difficult things as well as other very essential things that will make you a fuller more richly happy person. I can't stress how worth it all the negative parts are to get to the end goal of being your authentic self. I've not even reached the point where things are settled, and I'm feeling a lot of those rewards of being happier in myself. Keep up your courage, you can do this (&&&)
Hi ARB. It's a tough road and it's a massive decision to be open with your spouse. I've been there, and almost 4 years ago. I'll be honest and say that my ex wife and I have had our moments, but she is still one of my closest friends, one of my best friends. My children are well balanced, and she and I work hard to make sure their lives are as 'normal' as possible even though I don't live with them. I charted my coming out to her, and the ups and downs I've had over the time on a couple of other threads. But in essence, being true to yourself is the single most important thing you can do. It will find a way to come out eventually - be that 'coming out' or manifesting itself in other ways. I found it latterly like the ebbing and flowing of the tide, some days manageable, other days intolerable until eventually it spilled out. But here I am, 4 years later almost, with a boyfriend who I love and who is the most demonstrative, attentive, loving, kind, trustworthy guy I have ever met. He's shown me what was wrong with every other guy I've been with. I was very impatient, but the best advice I can give is pace yourself. Give yourself time to adjust - I thought I had, but looking back now I was like a hormonal 15 year old - sexually and also just emotionally. I got burned a few times and I am now a lot stronger in myself and who exactly I am and what I want both from a relationship and also life generally. What I'd say is that it took me a few months to really get to grips with moving out and making those first steps. When nothing changes it's like you can just ignore the elephant in the room and everyone can carry on. But you've come out. You made that decision and now you want to explore what that means. If you'd wanted to maintain the status quo you'd not have said anything I assume. I know exactly the conversation you're having with your wife as well. My ex talked about being alone and dying single again that she would never find anyone - she did and has been with him for over 2 years now. So that in itself makes me happy for her too. It's not easy. But stay true to yourself. You made the decision to be honest and open and that's what you need to focus on - I did, whilst sticking to my decision to be supportive to her and my children and being a supportive father and ex husband. It's stood me in good stead this number of years on. My kids adore me still (whew!), and my ex wife still enjoys a good relationship with me. I am very very thankful.
Wow Highlander2, you hit exactly how I have been feeling when you said a hormonal 15 year old when it comes to emotions and sexually. Like I've had an awaking and I can't wait to get started, yet I feel an obligation to the family I already have. I keep telling myself one day at a time.
