I've not been doing so well lately. I've crossed a line I never thought I would. When I finally acknowledged I was really gay and interested in a girl my mental health took a turn. f When I say I crossed a line I never thought I would is because I have done things I have not done before. I have been getting so drunk (alone) that I vomit, I began smoking pot, I began smoking cigarettes. I got impulsive tattoos. I had no tattoos before, and now I have gotten 3 in less than four months. Before I was always a pretty "good kid" I did not ever get drunk, never smoked pot and was against cigarettes. Now, it's like I am a completely different person. I feel free, but also more dangerous, impulsive and anxious. I really do not know what has happened, it is a mixture of a lot of things. I had depression and anxiety pretty moderately all throughout my life. Now, its the first time this is actually affecting my life. Also, my moods have been pretty dramatic. I know I should ask a medical professional, but I honestly feel like I probably have some sort of mood disorder. Can finally acknowledging you are gay cause this chain reaction? Can it cause all these issues to come to the surface? Also, I am not even really out of the closet completely. Some people know, but the majority do not. It's kind of tearing me apart because I like being really honest with everything, but I just really don't want to be out to everyone yet. I just feel like if I don't smoke or drink or do something, I will not be able to handle the anxiety and it is just too much when I get a panic attack coming on. Before this I rarely ever had panic attacks and now I feel like it's more frequent and set of by the littlest things. I don't really know what to do. I probably need a therapist, but I hardly have any free time because of my job.
A lot of things were similar for me when realised I was gay. I felt it changed a lot for me and the feelings and emotions I experienced turned me upside down. I drank socially but that did increase. It mainly increased as I was working up to tell my friend what was happening with me and I felt the only way I could get the words out was if I was drunk. I actually do feel like getting a tattoo. I have one from years ago and love them. My mum never approved. I think that is why I didn't get anymore. The things you are doing now... are these things you have wanted to do before, but maybe because of the life you were in, the family, friends around you felt that you shouldn't, or it wouldn't seem right. Not right for you but right for what other people think you should have been. I would love to chat with you again and will post more later, I have to go to work now but wanted to message you and say you are not on your own. Just bear this in mind. You are going through changes and will feel some serious ups and downs. But look after yourself. You do need to talk to someone. As low as you feel now you need to take care of yourself. Drinking excessively and drugs could take you somewhere that will be hard to get back from. It could affect your job which will in itself bring you more things to deal with. Stay on here, and stay safe. xxxxxxxxxxx
sabrinaa, I'm 44, and I remember well the tumult of coming out and how it up-ended my world. It's a huge roller coaster ride even when the rest of your life is in order. To me, the hardest part of confronting being "not straight" is that all of a sudden other dominos start to fall - you will socialize differently, you'll have relationships differently, you'll form long-term relationships (if that's your thing) differently, have kids differently (if that's your thing), and so on and so on. You may on some level be trying to process all of the ramifications of being queer. This will take time and patience. For me, in mid-life, I'm still going through the process of understanding my life purpose and making the most of what I've been given. I can't tell from your post how old you are, but age and life experience have a lot to do with this. If you are young, grappling with sexuality is likely the first major life event you've ever had to navigate. If you don't have good support, strong connections, and a firm sense of yourself then that challenge of facing yourself can be extremely difficult. I would also (like jackiescutt17) recommend a therapist, if you can, or find other ways of bolstering the sources of support in your life. Being here on EC is an awesome first step. I suggest you find a local LGBT center, talk to LGBT folks, and find what's in your geographic area. Journaling may also be of help. Virtual support online is great and easy to get, but there's nothing like the emotional connection and reassurance you get from being in person. You're going through a significant life challenge right now. This realization (being queer) can and will change the rest of your life. On the other hand - the awesome news is - you are still your same old self! Please remember that you are fundamentally the same as you have been, and you are, by coming out, allowing yourself the freedom to live and breathe the same as any straight person would. If you do have a mental health condition (such as bipolar disorder) that would account for these sudden changes, then all the more reason to seek a professional therapist. In short, recognize and appreciate that this is challenging, be strong for yourself, be gentle with yourself, and get help from us and those around you. *warm loving hugs* Patrick ---------- Post added 8th May 2017 at 11:50 PM ---------- And I hate to do this, but I feel I must - If you're drinking or using substances these will impair your clarity of thought. In particular, alcohol is a depressant that guarantees...well...depression. Pot could be a way of escaping painful things you'd rather not deal with. Please, and I know I'm preaching here and I apologize - substances are not your friend on this difficult journey. They will only hinder you and impair your strength. *more hugs* Patrick
Yes, they were things I have always wanted to do. I always wanted tattoos and to be "rebellious" but i held it in because I knew what drugs and drinking leads to and I had lots of self control. I do feel like I am letting go and being myself, but at the same time I feel like I am also doing this just for a temporary high to escape my mind. Every time I get a tattoo, I love the (painful) feeling and the escape and I love the look on peoples faces when I say I got another. The drugs and drinking no one knows about though, that is all in private. Yeah, the thing is I have always been into mental health and am incredibly self aware so I see what I am doing to myself, but I can't stop it. When I get in a bad headspace where I need escape I feel like my impulses take over. Lot's of life changes have been happening, I am starting a new (stressful) career, I just graduated and I am dealing with finally acknowledging that I am gay and my future may look different and my family may be okay with it, but there is also a chance they might not? Yes, thanks! I'd also love to chat some more! ---------- Post added 9th May 2017 at 08:02 AM ---------- I am 26. But I am also not filled with too much life experience in the romantic area of my life. I have actually been single my entire life because I never felt the need for a boyfriend and then a girl came into my life and I liked her so much and she crushed me. I have always been very much into self improvement and mental health because I have struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life and I have gotten stronger and felt like a solid person ready to handle life, but then this happened and I fell apart (or fell together). I am dealing with issues I have not gotten a chance to work on before. My life is also changing in many ways. My career is very stressful, I do freelance. For a person with anxiety it is very challenging to find my own jobs and negotiate my rates. My weeks get filled, I graduated, so am out of school for the very first time in my entire life, then on top of that I accepted being gay. Yeah, I know I should not drink or smoke. I do not want to rely on it. I pride myself on being strong mentally and having lots of self control. I never take medicine when I am sick because I want my body to fight it on it's own. I am vegetarian, I care about health. I am not the type of person to do this so I don't know what has changed and why I kind of just lost it and hit a point where I can no longer control my impulses. Interesting you say bipolar disorder because I was thinking hard about this recently! It is likely I may have bipolar disorder, it sure does feel like drastic mood changes. This is another reason I feel shame because it is associated with so much negativity. I may not have it, but I know I do have something because I feel like an observer of my own self, I have trouble controlling my mind and actions.
