Today was a really rough day. I had to go over finances with my husband due to some issues that had came up and it really triggered my grief over the loss of my marriage, and my grief over the loss of living with my kids full time. I thought about calling my friends and realized I don't have any anymore. Well, I have one, who I will probably lose when I tell her about all this. I would love to know I had a chance dating sometime in the near future. But I would be almost as happy thinking there was a way I could make friends. But how am I supposed to make LGBT friends? There is nothing in our town, which is funny because we're known as one of the most LGBT friendly towns on the West Coast. Maybe because the university is so big a part of the town? I don't know. Just thinking other later-in-lifers might be going through the same thing.
Hi Kunoichi, Your words echo my feelings to a great extent. I feel very much like you, not because there are no LGBT groups where I live, but because I'm not yet ready to take that step...but hopefully soon. I'm not out to anyone (but my therapist) so I feel very much stuck and alone. If we have LGBT qroups in Texas, you certainly will have them in Oregon. If you're in a small town, maybe you can check out lesbian meetup groups in Portland (which I hear is a kind of lesbian mecca). Maybe even once a month or so, until you start making new friends in the LGBT community. Here's how I think about it. For us late in lifers, it's important to build ourselves a new community (even if your old friends accept you, which is great). We need to surround ourselves with other LGBT people and make life long supportive friendships...kind of like a family...I think this is a first step to think about even way before thinking of dating. The dating will fall into place, so don't worry about that right now. Oh, and when I say LGBT, I truly mean that...be open to going to all LGBT groups, not only exclusively lesbian ones, because I think it's great to meet all people in the LGBT community. Can you find a meetup group that meets somewhere near you...or within driving distance that you can go to like once a month to start out with? I think this will give you lots of hope. Don't feel lonely, we're all in this together, and as they keep telling me...it gets better. ♥
Yes, Portland has a lot of stuff. The problem is that I don't have a car right now. If I did, I would have already gone to the Portland Q Center. They actually have a group for women in my situation. I went to a meetup last weekend. And I think that made me realize how lonely I actually am. I felt like I'm forgetting how to talk to real people. And it's like a whole different world. I couldn't participate in any of the discussion on what books to read next because I've only read like 3 books that are LGBT. There is an LGBT activity that meets at the local Unitarian church 2nd and 4th Fridays, but I'm iffy about it. Maybe because they don't have an email contact for it (I hate making phone calls to strangers) and I don't want to show up for something that isn't happening, or maybe because it sounds pretty political in nature? I don't know. There are the bars, of course, and we have one openly gay bar, but I'm sure that is a younger crowd, and I don't think I'm a bar person anyways. Maybe because I never went when I was actually the age to go, but they intimidate me.
Oh Kunoichi, I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. I think you're right that making friends first would really help. Even just meeting some nice people to spend an hour or two with as a start. I did a quick search on meetup.com for lgbt groups and there are actually quite a few interesting sounding ones. Some of which I wish were here. Some sporty activities - watching or doing, some dancing/social, some just being outside. A few sound really fun! There is one for Sunday which is to go watch some women's softball which, if you could figure out where it is, you might just want to go and check out without committing to the group. Are you too far from Portland for Uber? Might be a thought. (If you go, tell us what you find. ) Here's the link.
Loneliness can be felt due to many factors - life transitions, future uncertainty, low self esteem brought on by shame, so on and so on. We all feel this way at some time or another as it's part of life. So, given everything you are going through do not be too hard on yourself. Over time, as you continue on your journey and all of life's pieces fall into place, you may find your feelings of loneliness do subside. You should expect to: work through this life transition your current going through and eliminate the uncertainty; work through the shame and build confidence, self esteem and self worth as you do so; be more comfortable engaging with other LGBT and building relationships; and you might even find comfort in a bit of solitude, being with yourself and enjoying whom you are. And just as you just posted, you can always interact with all of us on EC to help diminish the loneliness you are currently feeling - this is what I certainly found to be helpful!
Hi Kunoichi, You aren't alone in your feelings! I think so many of us here are feeling exactly as you do right now...lonely, wanting a relationship, wanting new friends, wanting to be connected, and specifically wanting to be connected to the LGBT community. And we would love some sort of future reassurance that we will be dating someone in the near future. (And I know this would make me feel A LOT better, if some force/crystal ball could tell me 'in two months you will be dating a really cool girl you fall for...' :lol: ) It would be so awesome if life worked this way! On the combating loneliness I seem to take a few steps forward and then a few back. And sometimes I sit at home alone in a very low place almost overwhelmed by my loneliness --I am definitely in a low place right now! But this seems to ebb and flow.. One thing I have found helpful is just connecting with people in general. Even this is not easy for me, while people think I am an extrovert and that I am a social person, I am truly an introvert. I struggle with self esteem issues. The bar scene intimidates me too, I am not really a joiner. But I have done a few things that have helped. I joined some new classes at my gym and have sort of fallen in with a group there, and we started going out for breakfast together weekend mornings. All of them are straight, but it's fun being with them, and I am glad I met them! The other thing I did was start to take advantage of local events and events connected to my career. I sometimes attend alone, sometimes with a friend. Sometimes it definitely takes a lot of energy just TO attend. But it gets me out with people, and this does help. And you never know who will become a friend. And all different sorts of friends can bring good things to our lives, whatever their sexuality. AND, gay people obviously don't only attend LGBT things, all of us are out there involved in all sorts of things, you never know who you will meet! I understand your issue with not having a car to drive to the LGBT events you would like to attend. And that you are feeling unsure about the LGBT events closer to home. Is the university within walking distance? Universities have all sorts of lecture series and free events going on, many open to the public. In a general way attending any of these things that interest you may be helpful. No, it won't be like attending a specific LGBT event but this sort of thing at least gets you out, you will probably learn something and you never know how one event can open doors to other events--maybe even LGBT events closer to home that do appeal to you! Anyway, rest assured you are in good company in your feelings with others on EC. Take care
I know how you feel, kunoichi. I'm still in the marriage and he knows but still wants to make it work. I have no close friends and no one to talk to. Not out to anyone else in my family, I'm afraid they will reject me. Lonely is lonely even when your surrounded by people. Oh I wish I had a crystal ball, too! I just wish I knew what was coming. Keep your head up and know you are not alone in this.
Thanks everyone, Yes, the university is within walking distance (well, bus distance and for me that's basically the same thing). They have a very active LGBTQIA (I think I got all the letters!). I was hoping the community college I'm taking math at would have one as well; they used to, but they don't anymore. But it's not like they check your student ID at the door at the bigger events, so maybe I ought to check out their website. I'm about 2 hours, give or take a 1/2 hour, from the Portland/Vancouver area. If I had a car, it would be worth it for me to make the trip up there once a week for their later-in-life women's group. I've thought about emailing them and asking if they knew of anything at this end. I actually would like to move to Portland because they have several universities and a health sciences university and they're just bigger with more activities, but I can't afford to right now. And I want to stay in the same town my children are in. Does anyone know if there are any online dating sites that have a friendship option?
I am. I am married and my husband has no idea. We've been married for 17 years and now at 46 I can't stand hiding anymore. I have only told two people. My therapist and my only friend. Although they were both very supportive neither one has any idea what this is like. To feel so alone, to feel different, to have no idea how to meet others that are like you. I hope you find someone you can talk to that feels like you do. And I hope I do too.
Dear Zumbaqueen It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life, but I think maybe this might be the right time to tell your husband. You now probably feel that you need to reach out in some way to others who are LGBT. It is so much easier to do the latter if you are not hiding it from your spouse....I would suggest, when you are ready to do this, trying to find an LGBT meetup group. I have just joined an LGBT choir, because I enjoy singing, so I thought that doing this would perhaps give me a chance to make friends with people I have something in common with. It is a frightening step for me, but I read in their handout that it is okay to attend rehearsals only if you are not yet ready to perform publicly, so I am relieved that I don't have to be so public. I do understand what a lonely place you are in. It is lonely, but you are not alone.
