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LGBT Later in Life A support and discussion forum for older members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender etc.

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Old 16th May 2017, 10:45 AM   #21
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Well I did it. I told my husband about my attraction to women. It went much better than I ever expected. The guilt that I have been feeling over lying was immediately lifted from me. He was very compassionate about my feelings, told me he was sure that I am not the only woman who has felt that way about other women and it is nothing to be ashamed of. He was relieved that there isn't a specific woman that I am interested in. He does understand that I am still unsure of what I want for my future and I can't and won't make him any promises right now. What we did agree to do is communicate, which I have been avoiding because of my feeling guilty. At least I'm moving forward.
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Old 16th May 2017, 11:42 PM   #22
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Yes my husband just keeps trying and it just makes me feel worse. it just makes me push him away even more and I hate it. I hate treating him that way but I physically have nothing for him. And when I am intimate with him, because I think he deserves it, I usually end up crying alone afterwards because I feel like I'm betraying myself and it makes me sad and angry all at the same time.
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Old 17th May 2017, 01:27 AM   #23
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Congrats zumbaqueen!

You most definitely are moving forward!
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Old 17th May 2017, 04:09 AM   #24
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by zumbaqueen View Post
Well I did it. I told my husband about my attraction to women. It went much better than I ever expected. The guilt that I have been feeling over lying was immediately lifted from me. He was very compassionate about my feelings, told me he was sure that I am not the only woman who has felt that way about other women and it is nothing to be ashamed of. He was relieved that there isn't a specific woman that I am interested in. He does understand that I am still unsure of what I want for my future and I can't and won't make him any promises right now. What we did agree to do is communicate, which I have been avoiding because of my feeling guilty. At least I'm moving forward.
Whynotsooner, I really do think you and I have a lot in common in our situations. My husband is not a bad person, he as always been family oriented and a good father to our daughter. What is missing is my feeling intamcy with him. I feel the same way as you do when he and I are together physically because I am only doing it for him, there is nothing in it for me. Afterwards I am very lonely and sad and I usually cry at the thought that the rest of my life will be like this. At this point, even after our conversation he wants to stay married and he thinks every thing will be ok. I am not prepared to end my marriage today and I am not prepared to move out. What I do know is I feel like something is missing for me and I would like to at least try dating women.
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Old 17th May 2017, 03:49 PM   #25
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

that story was powerful. all i have to say, is i would tell him. be honest about what's going on in your mind-it's better to do so anyways. let him know that you're not enemies, but you just wanna be friends & keep the family together.
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Old 17th May 2017, 04:46 PM   #26
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Same with me, zumbaqueen. I don't think I've ever felt real intimacy with my husband. He still thinks it's about choosing a lifestyle. He thinks I want something different. He doesn't realize that this isn't exactly something one would choose. It's not an easy journey, I wouldn't be on it if it was about choice.
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Old 17th May 2017, 06:40 PM   #27
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

It's amazing to me how many people feel this is a choice. I would never choose this for myself. All these years of hiding, the social stigma, the guilt. Why would anyone choose this? The only thing we have chosen is not to be true to ourselves and our feelings and desires because it does not fit the social norm and what others expect from us. I for one am done hiding. What I don't know is how to meet women who like women.
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Old 18th May 2017, 06:38 AM   #28
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Im 25 and ive been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. We have 2 children together and have been a couple since high school. I have always questioned how I felt but never did anything about it. Now i feel trapped and I don't want to hurt my husbands feelings he is the best,hes supportive,caring,loving and works hard and i just feel like i would be destroying our entire world....i was out to dinner with a friend and the waitress we had was really nice and flirty. That's when all these feelings came back. I don't know what to do.
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Old 18th May 2017, 07:10 AM   #29
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Letitbe, In my experience what I an tell you is my feelings never went away. I tried to deny them, but after 17 years of marriage I can't do it anymore. There is no specific woman in my life, I just know I would be happier with a woman, that is where my attraction is. All I can say is you will know when the time is right to tell your husband your feelings. I hid them and our marriage has eroded over time. I didn't plan it, just this week I woke up and knew it would be the day I told him. And I did, what a weight lifted from me. This is a great support group, you will find you are not alone here and many people are going though similar things. We all help each other.
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Old 18th May 2017, 09:04 PM   #30
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

If anyone else out there has been married and come out to your spouse, did they try to fix you? When I told my husband a few days ago that I liked women he was surprised but also knew something had been troubling me for a while. Now I'm rethinking how I told him because I really think he thinks we can survive this as a couple. Here how it went. I told him, in tears, that I knew I had been treating him poorly the last few months and that I was to a point that I could not lie to him anymore about my feelings. I started by saying that I needed to tell him that I was attracted to women and always had been. I told him I only dated a few boys/men when I was younger and only ever went out on one or two dates per guy. I never had a long term relationship with a man. I then said that as I was getting older I wanted to have children and I didn't want to be alone and things just fell into place for us. I did say that I was never attracted to him but he was nice and kind and things just fell in place for us. Here is where I think I screwed up. This is all true but I probably shouldn't have said it. I told him that I didn't want think that I was never happy in our marriage because I was in the beginning. But when we stopped having sex after ten years of marriage (he was having ED issues) I began to think of women again. Basically what I said we for the years we intimate, I was content and I wasn't looking at anyone else, but when we weren't I started looking at women again and desiring to be with one-kind of like a straight woman would possibly stray to another man. And that for those 10 years I felt like he had fixed me. So now it is like he is on a quest to fix me again, he has been coming to our bed every night (we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a long time) and touching me. Honestly It is making me really uncomfortable. And he is texting me constantly throughout the day and sending me sexy messages about being together. I don't know what to do.
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Old 19th May 2017, 05:17 AM   #31
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I have been having similar issues. I think our husband have an overly simplified view of our struggle. My husband tends to assume that ANYTIME I have a problem and I tell him about it he thinks he needs to fix it. Case in point, my doctors office took a week to get me my refill for my fibro/arthritis and he took it upon himself to call people he knew to ask for some. I was furious. For one, I specifically asked him not to and he did anyway made me feel like some kind of junkie. It never occurs to him that I just want someone to hear me, not "fix" stuff.
I don't think you were wrong in how you told him. If he's like mine he would do what he's doing regardless of how you told him. My husband (who never reads anything other than facebook or Craigslist) actually researched lesbians sex so he would know how to "satisfy" me. I just can't even.

You've made the first step. I think we'll end up working through the husband stuff at the same time. I tried explaining how I felt the other night and gave up, going to bed in tears. We'll get there.
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Old 19th May 2017, 07:57 PM   #32
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Right now I feel very alone.
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Old 19th May 2017, 08:22 PM   #33
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Aw, zumbaqueen. That's no good. Do you want to write some more about it?
I'll be here for a while still.
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Old 20th May 2017, 04:13 AM   #34
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Really, I went to therapy today. I told my therapist that I finally had "the talk"
with my husband. She said she was very proud of me and knew by what I was saying the last several sessions that I was close to doing that. I told her about his new found desire to
"Fix" me. She said to just keep reinforcing with him that although we can continue to be friends and raise our daughter together our relationship has changed and he needs to accept that. (We are still living together) I need to change that dynamic and be strong enough to tell him when he try's to be affectionate with me or have sex with me that I do no love him in that way or have feelings of intimacy towards him. She also said that he may go through the stages of grief over our relationship and this is all new to him, not only have I known all my life, I have been preparing mentally to "come out" for months now. I really want to "see what's out there" as far as dating. I really don't know how to go about doing that. The other thing she and I talked about was me having enough respect for him and the marriage we had to sort it out and be "free" to date before I tried too. My support system in all of this is my best friend who blew me off today when I tried to talk to her about it. She is also the woman who I fell in love with -not reciprocated she is married and straight- which brought me to my catalyst of acceptance. I really do love her-If she felt about me like I do her I would leave everything behind to be with her. So I guess what I want to do is see if I can have that kind of chemistry with another woman. I am telling you I have never felt this way about anyone else I am so emotionally and sexuality attracted to her. I have been covering that up because I don't want her to know and stop being my friend. In fact, she asked me about the type of woman I was attracted to the other day and I made sure I was not describing her at all. And I am sure she is not a lesbian, bisexual, bicurious or anything else, she just wants to be friends. Because I can't seem to go a day without bringing up my sexuality to her I think she is getting annoyed by it. That is why I feel very alone.
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Old 21st May 2017, 12:29 PM   #35
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I am not sure what I am feeling today. Like I woke up today and I know my marriage is over, but it's not affecting me emotionally, kind of dead inside like there's nothing left. And I'm not bothered by there being nothing left, I just don't know how to get from point A to point B.
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Old 21st May 2017, 01:15 PM   #36
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Zumbaqueen - I am just beginning to reach out and join LGBT meetups. I am trying a choir. I like singing, so I am pursuing a hobby I am genuinely interested in, whilst trying to reach a level of greater acceptance of who I am. The way I see it is that I am not ready to do this all at once. So I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time.

My feeling is that I am not ready to contemplate dating yet as I need to adjust: I am still mourning the breakdown of my marriage (not all due to my sexual orientation crisis) and trying to get to grips with the sobering practical implications; I am still mourning the loss of who I assumed I was; I am still getting over the woman who (possibly doesn't know) brought my attraction to women to my consciousness; I am still working on internalised homophobia - only reluctantly accepting myself; I am still trying to gauge how to manage all this with my kids;. I experience guilt and shame; I am only out to some; I am not even 100% sure if I am bisexual or a lesbian.

What I am saying, is that there are reasons it all takes time!! You will have your own issues, I guess. But I would suggest that there is nothing to stop you working on building up a support network within the LGBT community. Do stuff you enjoy that feels like you, not who you think you should be but who you enjoy being... I am taking it one day at a time. Waves of grief come. Despair comes. I have have come close to self harming this week. Some days I am just numb. Some days I feel moments of pleasure. Take exercise. Eat well. Try to get sleep. Try to be productive in your daily life. All these things help a little. Be well. X
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Last edited by Peterpangirl; 21st May 2017 at 01:15 PM..
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Old 21st May 2017, 02:48 PM   #37
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Peterpangirl - you give some very good advice. I am so caught up in thinking I have to solve everything immediately. Just plow through and make my life better since I've been feeling so awlful lately. I keep telling myself one day at a time, but it's hard after years of denial to take it slow. Since I have signed up here, I've found I am not alone. I am very thankful to have stumbled upon this website.
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Old 21st May 2017, 03:04 PM   #38
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Hi Zumbaqueen I've missed a few days on here and see you have had some definite developments since I was last on........I'm thinking of you and hoping you are doing well today. Yes I agree with thinking you have to fix everything right now........it's so hard not to jump too far ahead. but when you realize what you want it's hard to wait it out.
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Old 22nd May 2017, 01:40 PM   #39
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Small victories. I went the entire day at work without talking to my friend about my sexuality or wanting to leave my marriage which I have done every day since coming out to her three weeks ago. The newness is wearing off and soon I hope to just be me.
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Old 23rd May 2017, 12:49 PM   #40
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I believe my husband is now in the denial stage of me being a lesbian. He told me he thinks I am just confused.
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