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LGBT Later in Life A support and discussion forum for older members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender etc.

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Old 11th May 2017, 02:48 PM   #1
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realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I want to share my story and see what you all think. I am a 46 year old female who is now acknowledging what I have always known. I am attracted to women not men. I never dated much as a young woman, I had 3 boyfriends all for very short periods of time. At 29, I did the "right thing" to have a family. I married a man and I now have a husband and a 14 year old child. Over the last several years my anxiety has increased a lot. I began therapy 3 years ago and I told the therapist that I wasn't happy in my marriage. I made a lot of excuses as to why, always blaming my husband wanting her to tell me to leave him. It took me a while to realize that she would never tell me that. What I always held back from her was that I wasn't attracted to him, I was attracted to women. So goes my anxiety and therapy for the next several years, I kept covering up. I also developed a friendship (friendship only, nothing romantic she is straight) with a woman who I began to confide in about my marriage and my therapy. I told my friend I was getting upset with my therapist because she wasn't helping me, but I also told my friend that there was something I was keeping from my therapist that probably would impact things. My friend, while never asking me what that thing was, encouraged me to tell my therapist. About 3 months ago I finally told my therapist what I had hidden from everyone for years. I am emotionally and sexually attracted to women, not men. I have always know, I was just afraid of being judged by other people and going against "the norm". It was such a weight lifted off of me, just finally telling someone. About two weeks ago I told my friend as well. I had feared she would end our friendship, instead she has become my support in all of this. I feel very trapped in my marriage. I have not told my husband. I would like to date women, but I don't know how to meet anyone. I also know that I have to tell my husband before I purse dating. I also don't know what to do next. I'm not confused about my sexuality, but I am confused about where to go from here.
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Old 11th May 2017, 03:35 PM   #2
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

You are not alone, Zumbaqueen. There are many of us here that are on this journey. It isn't easy and each individual has a unique story. You're in the right place.
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Old 12th May 2017, 08:50 AM   #3
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Yes, Zumbaqueen you are not alone. I'm 41, married 24 years with four kids and a grandchild and I'm on the same journey. You probably should talk to your husband if you can. I told mine and it actually went better than I thought. Except, he still wants to "make it work" somehow. I'm just not attracted to him or any man. I would also like to date but that doesn't feel right now, while I'm still sleeping in the same bed with him. I think as we get older the desire to be authentic become so strong we can't ignore it anymore. Coming on this site has helped me so much!
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Old 12th May 2017, 09:41 AM   #4
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

52 years old here... 4 grown children and 2 grandchildren. I got very drunk one night and 'showed' my true feelings for my friend. That was last year! My life was turned upside down! As labgirl said you should be honest with your husband. I can't comment more about that as I was single when this hit me... but from reading and sharing posts with others we all have realised that once you admit this to yourself there is no going back. Denying this will hurt not only you but your family too. I look forward to chatting with you more.
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Old 12th May 2017, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

As each day goes by I want to tell him, but I don't have any idea how to begin the conversation. I have spent many years trying to change myself, but I don't want to anymore. And I feel guilty. When I got married I was hiding from myself and my feelings because I was afraid. He is a good man, we never argue, and he is a good father, we haven't slept in the same bed for months, but we still have sex occasionally which I don't enjoy at all. Daily conversations are minimal. I feel very alone.
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Old 12th May 2017, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

It's sooo hard, Zumba. There is no easy way. When I told my wife two weeks ago, I had spent a lot of time thinking about what I would say.

I didn't plan to come out when I did. It just kind of happened. What I said was, "What im about to tell you will be painful for both of us but I need to say it. I'm gay." From there the conversation took its own path. I just stuck to that one fact, without adding a bunch of explanation, because that's all I knew for certain. The rest of the story and feelings came out over several days. Someone here said that anything else that you say right away won't be heard after the "I'm gay" bomb. I think they were right.

It feels very lonely. In my situation, I decided that it was time to come out so my wife and I could start healing. She told me that she is glad that I didn't wait any longer to tell her. I'm incredibly lucky that she is reacting so well, better than most I'd say. We are actually doing better now, in some ways, because we can talk about the elephant in the room.

I hope my experience helps you feel less lonely. Sending good vibes your way.
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Old 12th May 2017, 12:07 PM   #7
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I've been married 18 years, have a large family, and haven't told my husband yet (we're separated). So I can relate to how you feel. I'm in a similar place in that my depression has worsened over the last three years and made me look at what is missing. And in many ways I'm happier, despite all the chaos, having admitted it to myself, then I've been in a long, long time. Now that I've admitted it to myself, I don't think I could go back.

Do you have any LGBT activities in your town? Maybe that would be a way to meet others but not necessarily "date" while you're still working out what to tell your husband and child? And maybe they could give you help on where to go next.
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Old 12th May 2017, 12:53 PM   #8
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I am from a relatively small town, there are no local groups that I have found. I think the closest is about two hours away and I work full time so I'm not sure how to get to one. I am glad I stumbled upon this site. I would love to just talk to someone else as a friend who understands what I am going through.
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Old 12th May 2017, 02:30 PM   #9
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

You are not alone.

Although I have had my own ups and downs, the journey to self acceptance began the night I found the courage to say two simple words to my wife; I'm gay.

This is a great place to talk through your fears, anxieties and concerns with kind and accepting people who are going through the same things you are.

You are not alone.

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Old 12th May 2017, 08:17 PM   #10
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I am new to this site but already feel I'm in the right place. My story is almost exactly like yours only my husband "kind of" knows-I told him something has changed in me and I'm not the same person he married. I told him I need to find friends that he won't judge me about and not question and he has agreed to that. And I, as well, have no idea where to start.......Just needing someone to hear me and tell me they understand.

---------- Post added 12th May 2017 at 10:21 PM ----------

I would be more than happy to talk too with you about our feelings.......I'm confused, emotional, anxious and everything in between. I live in a small town as well and no support groups near me.
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Old 13th May 2017, 06:51 AM   #11
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Whynotsooner, I would like that. I just want to talk with someone in a similar circumstance as me. I'm tired of feeling so alone and different.
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Old 13th May 2017, 07:47 AM   #12
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I'm not very good at navigating around this site yet LOL so I don't know how to send messages or anything. I tried to private message you but it said I couldn't yet....I have been to therapists but it just isn't the same as being able to chat with someone who is like you at this very moment. But thank you for friend requesting me......I'm hoping together we can chat and try to get some insight on where we are with our lives at this point and how to get feelings in check......I really need someone to talk to as well. Please keep in touch with me and I will you as well. I think I've found someplace I can finally get some things out with this site and this isn't a place I'm going to just sign up for and then forget about it. I will check back as often as I can.
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Old 13th May 2017, 09:12 AM   #13
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Whynotsooner, I tried to private message you too. Said you have to do 50 posts first and be a member for 14 days then you have to fill out request to be a full member. I'm working on getting 50 posts in over the next two weeks. I just signed up this past Thursday. I think once we both get our requirements in we will be able to private message. Keep checking this thread in the meantime and we will communicate through here what we can.
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Old 13th May 2017, 02:57 PM   #14
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

zumbaqueen I'll keep checking with you
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Old 13th May 2017, 05:06 PM   #15
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I am not feeling well at all today. My mind is racing. I am constantly thinking about how this is all going to turn out. I feel like my life is a mess and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Some day I hope our society is accepting of all of us so our children don't have to experience the pain and heartache we have.
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Old 13th May 2017, 05:30 PM   #16
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

i understand-I really do. and I think we have to take this just one day, one breath at a time. I've never experienced anything so hard in my life. But I feel like this all came about with me for a reason, and that something higher up put "her" in my life so I could stop thinking something was wrong with me-that my purpose is to be "this". IDK how the "plan" is supposed to turn out but I keep thinking there is definitely a plan and I'm trying to be patient for when it comes into play. I just don't understand why it happens NOW. Why couldn't it have happened 28 years ago?
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Old 14th May 2017, 10:32 AM   #17
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

I do try to take things one day at a time. Some days it seems like it is one hour at a time. Today is Mother's Day. Right now I am thankful for my daughter. I guess if I hadn't made the decisions I made earlier in my life I wouldn't have her now. Some days I think I should put my own desires aside and just suck it up be unhappy and put my husband and daughters feelings before my own. I just don't know how much longer I can continue to do that.
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Old 14th May 2017, 11:03 AM   #18
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Yes I totally understand. that's what we SHOULD do........suck it up and just deal with it for the sake of our family. But I honestly don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life either. I am trying to wait until our son is out of college (3 years) but the thoughts, feelings and emotion are just getting stronger.
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Old 15th May 2017, 08:26 AM   #19
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

As you all know I am married but not emotionally or sexuality attracted to my husband. Now that I have realized my attraction to women I can't stop thinking about them or what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman. I really don't know if I want to end my marriage because of this. Living in a small town I don't even know how to go about meeting women who are interested in women. I want to tell my husband (he knows we have marital problems, we are not sleeping in the same room) but do I need to be ready for my marriage to be over before I tell him. I feel like telling him is another step in me acknowledging the issues in our marriage and me finally being happy in my life. Thoughts????
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Old 15th May 2017, 08:55 AM   #20
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Re: realizing later in life and feeling trapped

All I can say, zumbaqueen, is: me too! Small town, bad marriage. And although I've told my husband, he's still convinced that he can make me fall in love with him again. I'm not remotely attracted to him at all. In addition to the problems that were already there. Good luck, you will feel better telling him. You deserve happiness.
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