I was hoping somebody might have had some experience of beating a problem I've been battling with for some time. I'm 37 and have accepted I'm gay, but I keep hitting a brick wall when it comes to acting on it. Even just the prospect of meeting somebody for a drink as a gay man creates what seem to be close to panic symptoms. I've been speaking to a lovely guy I met online for over a year. He has been incredibly understanding and kind to me and has helped me a lot with all the things I've been battling such as my sexuality, exploring my feminine side and also the battle to try and be able to take this crucial step. He has put no pressure on me, forgiven me immediately every time I have let him down when it comes to meeting up to have a coffee and a chat face to face. When it comes to trying to meet him, as the allotted time gets closer I go from excited and happy to just being unable to function - breathing fast, shaking - and end up just locking myself away. It feels like the only way to beat this is to try and cut off that side of my life, but I am not happy doing that either. I've tried to build up to getting some professional help, but have similar problems doing that. I think it is because I was brought up in a quite homophobic environment and, although I intellectually know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, it feels like there's something deep within me that I can't beat. That's even though I know friends and work colleagues have no problem with people being gay and for the most part will be positive (although the family side is going to be much more unpleasant). I really want to try and meet up with this man because he has been amazing and we have got on very well. But I keep going round in circles and letting him down, as well as just treating him badly by doing this. Often I've just gone completely silent on him, which is just an awful thing to do but it just becomes the only way to get myself back under control. I'm at the point where I feel I can't do anything other than just tell him to go and find someone else who can function and that can treat him the way he deserves. Has anyone ever been in such a situation? I don't feel I'm making progress and am desperate to find a way to do so. It's clearly and irrational, subconscious reaction that I'm battling but just pushing through it just doesn't seem possible. I've tried a lot of times. I have similar problems every time I have ever tried to tell someone about any of this. I've tried lots of different ways to get over this wall, but keep failing. I feel trapped because I can't do it on my own, but getting help is something that is proving just as hard as taking that step. To be honest, I'm embarrassed about how much of a mess I've made of this. It has been going on a long time and every time I think I'm about to make a breakthrough, it goes wrong. All advice much appreciated.
First off, have you read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs or 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort? It's great that you have accepted your sexuality, but that is only one part of the journey. Your next step needs to be dealing with the Shame and Internlized Homophobia that has developed as you grew up in a homophobic environment. All of the negative messaging you were exposed to has materially impacted your self esteem, self worth, confidence and your inability to love yourself. By making yourself Vulnerable, finding closure to past traumatic events, learning to let go, you can build self esteem, self worth, confidence and actually learn to love yourself. Vulnerability is key, and you need to make the firs step. Like jumping out of airplane with a parachute on. You know its a risk, your looking down outside the plane, but you have the best parachute on your back. So its time to make the jump, make yourself vulnerable and open yourself up to another human. See how it goes. You might find a great feeling occurs when the parachute opens and glides you to a smooth landing. When that happens, you build confidence and self esteem. You might also find the parachute malfunctions, its a scary drop, but when you hit the grown your still very much alive (ok, you hit a swamp and it softened the blow). In that case your able to brush off the rough landing, recover, and do it all over again. Read the books, start to do searches on EC and read threads regarding Shame and Internalized homophobia. Make yourself vulnerable and start to rebuild your self esteem, self worth and confidence. You can do it!
Thanks for the advice - it is very sound. I've read The Velvet Rage but not the other title you suggested, so I will certainly take a look at that. Everything that you say makes sense, but my big challenge is managing to open myself up to that. I understand the need to allow myself to be vulnerable, but despite a lot of reading etc and finding positive things in places like this forum, I can't seem to break through and always end up losing it. Thanks for the confidence that I could make the jump!
Hi. I really think an LGBT-friendly counselor would be a really big help. I know you said you were having similar issues around that, but if you could push yourself on that one I think it would be a big step. I'm not trying to play shrink, but is it possible you have an underlying anxiety disorder that kind of "peaks" in these areas because they're more sensitive and you do have some legit concerns (i.e. family)? Just a thought.
I think there is a good chance that you are correct. The tricky thing has been finding a suitable person to go to and also actually go through with contacting them, it's as if as soon as I have to give my name it all kicks in and I lose it. But I think that is going to be something that has to happen somehow. I've looked around online a lot about it and like the idea. Thanks.
I second OTH's advice - you must deal with the shame and internalized homophobia to move forward. It sounds like you need to start pushing yourself to do the scary stuff, such as meeting this guy for coffee. What are you afraid of that prevents you from meeting him? The best way to overcome a fear is to do what you are afraid of. I touch upon this in this blog - the need to break scary things down and push yourself to do them to expand your comfort zone - Healing the shame of being gay PS - If you want to feel better today, call your friend and meet him tonight. Don't overthink it, just appear at the appointed location, tell him getting there was a major victory for you, and take it from there. Yes this is scary, and I've been there so I know that you will feel better after confronting your fear. See the Joseph Campbell quote in my sig.
Thanks for the link - I have had a read and will try and apply some of that. What you say makes perfect sense. But how do you push yourself to take a step when the reaction is so bad - it is almost a sheer terror and panic reaction that I take time to get under control. The funny thing is, I know that just going to meet him will be great. He's very special to me and has gone far beyond the kind of patience, understanding and kindness anyone could possibly ask for. I know that I will be happy I did it and that it will be a step, forward, but that awful reaction kicks in. The worst thing is that I think his patience has run out (this has been a long time and I've let him down so many times, so I don't blame him) and I'm worried that I'm going to lose him. He definitely deserves better. But I get struck down when I try to act and it's as if I can't function. Sometimes I end up just shutting myself away in a dark room. Pathetic, I know. Thanks for the suggestions though, I will try to apply them. It helps so much.
maybe try not thinking of it as meeting a gay guy for coffee, or a "gay date" you are just meeting a guy who you are friends with for coffee, that's it just a dude who is your friend. someone here gave me the same advise and it helped me deal with the anxiety that I had.
Have tried that one. But it might just be that I've got a bit too into him for that to work on me! I suspect it would work well otherwise!
Eventually you'll have to make this leap. It sounds like you have a very understanding friend. It will be easier to meet with him than with someone you don't know as well. I know it seems hard, but I'm guessing that after the first five minutes things will be easier. Do you guys talk on the phone? Maybe you could start there. How do you communicate online? Could you text him as you get ready, leave the house, arrive at the pub? Maybe he would walk outside and meet you to take the pressure off of approaching him.
I think it will be great to meet him and chat, I just need to find a way not to lose it. He hasn't been pushy or anything and has been really helpful in doing everything he can to make it happen, I just need to find away through the fact that as the allotted time starts to approach I can barely function. It's hard to describe. We chat by text all the time.,
i think your anxiety is coming from the thought that meeting him is going to be your first actual gay outing. i know that you've accepted you're gay but this is the first real instance that you're going to "act" upon it. maybe try seeing it from a different vantage point. look at it as just meeting a new friend. let the transition of the connection you have from virtual to real life happen organically. slowly but surely. let the conversations flow. you said that he's been really supportive and patient with you, so i'm sure that he'll guide you through on however way you most feel comfortable. besides, no pressures right?
You are definitely on the money there. But it's the same with anyone, even friends who I know are actively pro gay or gay themselves and who I know will be great about it, an "actually gay outing", as you put it (very well) sends me off the rails. He has been great to me, really wonderful. And I feel if I can't take this step with him I won't ever. And that's really upsetting.
I suspect one of two things is happening here: 1. You are feeling normal fear of the unknown 2. You have a form of anxiety that needs treatment from a professional. If the former, you just have to push yourself to do it. It's really that simple. You could invite him over to your place, which would require less action on your part. If the latter, then you need treatment, either therapy or medication, to control your anxiety attacks. Unfortunately it's hard to determine which one is at play via an anonymous site. Do you have any inclination?
There's definitely a bit of fear there and nerves. But there's this horrendous reaction over and above that - breathing fast shaking and generally just losing it. Have never experienced that before and it's hard to describe how intense it is. It feels like it might need some professional help but at the same time don't want to be a drama queen.
If you haven't experienced the horrendous reaction over and above typical fear/nerves before, then I doubt that you have an underlying anxiety disorder. Seeking help from an LGBT therapist might be your best bet, since your reaction might be coming from shame or internalized homophobia.
I've experienced this too, and like you I NEVER experienced anything like it before facing my sexuality. It's got a lot better since I have become more comfortable accepting myself but like you I freeze on the 'next step;', Many people here had similar and when the finally found someone they connected with those feelings went away. I know in the back of mind when I wake up after a beautiful night of sex with a man a lot of that will go away, it's just getting to that step!