This may all seem a bit rambly, but i have some thoughts to share that led me to think about a few things. Hope this all makes sense. When I came back from my trip to my hometown, i experienced something that surprised me. It was just in the first day i came home. I was with my girlfriend at a local gay pub and when we got up to the counter to order our drinks, a woman came up to take our order, and i read her as a butch lesbian. I'm standing there with my girlfriend, arm around her, being cosy and affectionate, and this woman asks for our order and i had this instantaneous flash of a feeling of shame, like all this openness about being a gay woman amongst other openly gay people, I felt like a teen again, with all the internal homophobia and shame just coming at me from nowhere. And then again, later that night, when my girlfriend and I were alone, i felt it again. It was brief and i looked at like Siennafire has suggested to do, and said hi thought, bye thought... and let it pass. But what it felt like to me was this culmination of all the unspoken things i felt at home. My family was great, my friends mostly ok, but there was a lot of unspoken stuff. Certain people just didn't speak at all about me being gay (or the separation) when i clearly brought it up in a casual way. It was like the big pink elephant in the room. And there was the reaction to me wearing a sort of suit-ish looking outfit and tie to my best friend's wedding. There was discomfort and confusion about what the hell i was on about. This experience made me realise how much my life has changed, how far i've come since I was a teen, ashamed of my own feelings and needs and desires. Ashamed of my own self expression. The feelings were all there in those situations at home, but i let them pass over me and carried on. But it served as a reminder of what I used to feel. And another, different thing has brought up some thoughts about where my life is now. I'm finding out in various ways, that my separation, divorce, moving out, moving on with my life, might take even longer than i expected. But ... this morning i had a genuinely happy, relaxed time at home. We were all happy. My ex husband has been acknowledging in the last few weeks in so many ways that he sees that i'm gay. He sees that what we had has ended, that he trusts me as a person and a mother to our daughter. And that he intends to work towards similar goals to me. My daughter seems genuinely relaxed at mama time separate from daddy time. And I can openly talk about my girlfriend and the lgbt activities i go to. I have my girlfriend, and I have my life, which is becoming ever more openly gay. I don't feel all that bad at home anymore (finally), given that it's temporary, and that it's peaceful. And when i look back at where i've been, who I've been, that teenage girl afraid of her own feelings, her own identity, and i look at where i am now, living in the last stage of preparing for living my life completely authentically, and true to me.... well i think i can actually be happy, exactly the way things are now, as I work towards the future. i'm feeling really relaxed today. I hope this kind of settled peaceful feeling continues.
sometimes it takes going back to see how far you've come, the distance between here and there. so glad you're feeling more settled.
I'm happy for you. As a married woman with a daughter who is just beginning my acceptance of my own sexuality you give me hope for the future.
it's amazing how intense the shame is even when you're so far along coming out and with your girlfriend in a gay bar even! I still get these too sometimes I think its just a learned reaction from our past selves and its just unconsciously triggered by something, the same way an ex smoker might get an 'urge' unexpectedly after six months of quitting and no cravings for weeks. I think over time it will just become less intense and eventually just fade away.
baristajedi although this can be annoyance, just think about how far we've come- a couple of years ago could you even imagine you'd be in gay pub with your arm around your girlfriend I get these feelings once in awhile too but I am so glad i'm past that stages of denial and questioning and doubting and that crazy roller coaster when i first started... I know you've got a lot more complications and there will be ups and downs but at least we're living authentically now!
Thank you everyone (&&&) Lookingforme, its true, going home reminded me of a lot of my feelings from the past. It was a bit disconcerting in some ways, I felt very good about who I am, how I express myself, but I didn't feel overwhelmingly accepted at face value for who I am. It's not like people were not accepting me, I just got the impression that something about me going through changes made people uncomfortable. I'm an open book, but not many people were interested in cracking the cover at all to share in my thoughts or even just receive the things I casually mentioned here and there. I've no shame in separating, in coming out at 36, or at least I've sorted through most of that shame. I thought I was reflecting my ease and comfort in who I am, but i perceived a lot of discomfort from some people I spent time with. I didnt mean to ramble on again.... ---------- Post added 14th May 2017 at 11:46 PM ---------- Zumbaqueen - you're going to get through this, the most important thing is to believe in your strength. You have it in you. I have to keep reminding myself of that. (&&&) ---------- Post added 14th May 2017 at 11:49 PM ---------- Findingjoy, I do feel really good about the progress I've made, and you should feel that about you too! It is really powerful to look back and see how far I've come. You're right, a couple of years ago, I couldn't imagine that I'd be standing in a gay bar with my arm around my girlfriend. It's amazing to think about it.
oh that ain't rambling, I did have a thought (impressed me too....:lol that when we go to places that have had a large impact on our lives, like going "home" we at least somewhat revert to where we were mentally/emotionally looking back I can see that when I moved home in '95. while I stayed and grew, you've moved on and have built a life in another part of the world and have grown there, while the people who are still there don't know the you who has grown to be the strong person that you are. to them you're still the young woman they knew, maybe just remembering that you are visiting and not staying can make it easier? knowing that any hangups or 'old' notions is on their part? you are you and you are not the girl who left, you are the beautiful, strong person who returned.
