Trying to get a in a good place physically and mentally. Been eating healthy and bring my all my food to work already meal prepped. This has helped a ton in staying fit and saving money. I am going to the gym 2-3 times a week lifting weights and trying to walk at lunch at work with co-workers. I just started a new degree program online and reduced my work hours to 40 a week only. Before I made work my number one priority and worked too much. My problem is that it still not enough it seems. I am just not happy being busy helps me forget, but I just cannot seem to break the happiness code. I feel like I have been like that my whole life watching people wondering how it is seemingly so easy for them to be happy. Now I add I have noticed my attraction to the opposite sex is very strong. Looking back I knew it was there just didn't pay much attention or dwell on it much. I can't even go to the gym now without noticing women. Honestly I am usually very much into my workout and then while I am in the period between sets I zone out. That is when I notice someone has a nice butt or something and look away quickly. I don't want to seem like a perv at the gym. Yesterday I was sitting at a weight machine and happened to look in the right direction to see the most perfect young butt and looked away. When I looked away I saw a guy facing me on another machine was looking in that same direction I looked back and sure enough he was looking at the same girl. I then looked back at him and he looked at me. What could I do but smile. It for sure is a strange feeling. I have been watching tons of movies on Netflix's and in the beginning had deleted my viewing history but now I don't even bother. My husband comes in the bedroom and asks now if I am watching one of my movies. I almost feel like I am not even trying to hide my questioning from him even though we have not had a full conversation about it. Maybe two months ago I told I was planning on going to the Pride festival with my daughter. Maybe two weeks ago I had strong urge to tell him but I was in a very bad mood and angry for no reason. The next day I was almost compelled to tell my mom but she had to go and I was going out to breakfast myself. I thought of telling her in messenger but then I remembered that she shares an account with my dad lol. I thought oh I will tell her on the phone but then remembered she has crappy Magic Jack and phone calls go through her computer but not to a head set but where everyone can hear. I don't know why it was so important to tell anyone because it is not like my situation had changed. Not that I am comparing this to a hobby (but I feel they might) anytime I bring up something I am excited about they say remember the time you were obsessed with fish and ended up with 10 fish tanks. They did before when I said I wanted to grow veggies and again when I wanted to start brewing Kombucha. I guess they think I get into something then I get obsessed and then eventually give it up. Something's this is true with but I still have one fish and every year I grow veggies /shrug. I cut back but have not gave up. I made up my mind to not tell my husband now even though I think it would give me short term pleasure to do so. I feel it will be later held against me. Like he couldn't trust me to go out with anyone now because I am some sort of sex fiend lol. Yesterday I told him I was not happy and said it was mostly due to myself. He told me he is always sad. I guess I could have expanded on the conversation but we ended it there. On and maybe a week ago I walked up to him and said "monkeeeey" and he thought I said "I'm gay" lol, so maybe there is some internal thinking going on there. I am seriously considering going to some sort of counseling even though I hate that sort of thing. I feel like if my life status changed and I was with a woman I would still have intimacy problems, not feel happy internally, and still feel a bit angry. So I plan to work on myself to become a better person no matter what the people around me do or stay in the same rut. I feel bad about talking about my family in this way and hope that they never see what I have written. I don't think they would understand. I feel like my husband and I are two people who live together. We have not slept in the same bed in over 13 years, we are still intimate but it is very few and far between. To be honest my sex drive had been so low but I am wondering if it was a self esteem issue or directed at the wrong sex. For a while in my life I didn't think I was attracted to either sex lol. Oh I am also trying to figure out how I want to dress. At work I used to mostly dress in black slacks and a blouse, but now we can dress down a bit and my division has been taken over by a division of IT and they dress so different. I am struggling to dress professional (and comfortable) be a bit feminine and be myself. I have below shoulder length layered hair style that I wear down at work and pull slicked back at home. It is almost like I am two sets of different people. I don't know what this post is for but it made me feel better writing it out.
Wow! Way to go! Thank you for sharing this with us. You should give counselling a go it may help you with the last steps required to achieve who and where you want to be.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of good stuff just for you! Eating right, working out, cutting work hours and continuing your education...that's all great, and all of it will be a self esteem booster for sure I am wondering a few things. You describe your marriage as more like a roommate arrangement at this point. Both of you are not happy--are you planning on staying with your husband? If you are, would both of you be willing to take steps to improve your marriage? Would you want to put the effort in it would take to do this? Would he? Would you like to explore your attraction to women? Would your husband be okay with this? If he isn't--what would you do? I do think therapy, even in the short-term could help you in exploring your feelings in these areas. I've been in therapy for a while and it HAS been helpful, and has aided me in making some changes in my life in areas that weren't working for me. A good therapist won't ever give advice, or tell you what to do...but will just assist you in coming to your own conclusions. I say give it a fair shot--if its not for you can always just stop. In the meantime, you mention you are trying to figure out how to dress now that your dress code changed a bit at your job. You've already made some positive changes in your life, why not take this opportunity to shop for some new clothes? Even buy a whole new wardrobe!!
Nerdybynature- Thanks for the support. I love reading your posts by the way. Moonsparkle- That is how I describe it but I don't think he would agree on it. To be honest I kind of thought of us this way before I started to have the questioning. The reason for the different rooms started when he had two separate spinal fusions over 12 years ago and then he had insomnia. I would have to get up early for work and he would toss and turn keeping me up. Maybe 4-5 years ago he got a viral heart infection and suffered a heart attack. The doctors put in a defibulator and last year he had to have stint put in. He has congested heart failure and continues to smoke and drink sodas like a fiend. We have had to call an ambulance for him twice now, with each time a stay of at least a week in the hospital. His heart is operating at 3oish% and he gets sick pretty easy. I am not looking to leave him as I do still love him and that would be heartless at this point. Not sure that he would approve of me being emotionally invested with a woman (I would not want only sex) he is very jealous of time not spent with him and even that I have a better relationship with our kids. I almost think he could overlook just sex or maybe not. Before all his illnesses I got the feeling he would be okay to watch, but I would not feel comfortable with that now and probably not then either. I guess the good thing is that I am not out looking for someone else and that there is no one tempting me away. Basically nothing has changed except that now I feel my sex drive has went into hyper drive and swung way toward women. I have lost too much time as well thinking about it all to be honest probably lost lots of work and home productivity. I do feel a bit more aggressive and mad for no reasons lately and I am not sure why that is or if it is because of not being able to do what I want. Just last week I had one co-worker in my department asked me if I was okay (I told her I was just inside my head) and another lady from a different department that I have known for 14 years tells me that I never smile anymore. I feel withdrawn and like I want to be alone as well. My mom even called me last week to see if I was okay, apparently if I go awhile and do not call her that means I have a problem (kinda true). I told her that I had started school and am really busy. I do feel more confidant and assertive but my director told me that I was intimidating and he was a combat medic in Afghanistan lol. He also told me a different time that I am the most stable solid person he knows (heh if he only knew). I guess I can be intense when I am working on projects but I don't act that way on purpose. On Wednesday I am going out to lunch with the woman that said I don't smile and my old boss. When my ex boss asked me if the other lady could come to lunch with us I was a bit disappointed, I really have missed her since she left even though she emails me like 10 times a day. I don't feel as comfortable with people I work with or feel that I can talk as freely (ex boss is going to bash said ex company). Two weeks ago I was having a rough week and she took me out to dinner. My husband was upset that he was not invited but he thinks of her as family. It is not a romantic relationship but I do love her and feel very loyal to her. Her daughter is bi, she first had several girl friends, but now she is married with two small kids. Funny story my ex boss told me this neighbor lady hit on her years ago and it made her upset. She said why do you think I am gay and the lady said because of the rainbow sticker on your car (her daughter had put it there). I remember thinking it was the funniest thing and joking with her that she should have considered it (she was not amused). Saying all that I know she would not be upset if I told her I was gay or anything in between. I have been out of the military for at least 16 years and I am still having a hard time figuring out how I like to dress. I think I am getting closer though. I have been rocking tight fitting jeans and v neck nicer t-shirts, polos that sort of thing. It's very comfortable and it is nice to have somewhat of a figure again. My husband complained that I only wear booby shirts now (ones that showcase my breasts) I told him that is how woman's clothes are. Oh my very feminine older co-worker remarked to me recently that my wearing flannel shirts to work has made her think about doing the same. I guess I am trying out all sorts of different styles, I bought a nice short sleeve denim shirt that buttons up and is tapered that looks pretty nice. I guess my attire is half feminine and half boyish. A different female co-worker came in two work the other day with a long sleeve flannel shirt with Harley Davidson patches on the sleeves and a big design on the back. I was instantly in love with it and told her about it. It was probably a guys shirt. Okay I regress and am starting to write a book here.
Don't worry about writing a book, no one here minds...I tend to be a long poster too! I get the picture more now of how things are with your husband. It must be very difficult/frustrating to watch him with his heart problems continue to smoke etc. He also seems quite jealous of your time/interest in others--even your children. This too must be frustrating! I think it is understandable that you would be feeling more angry/aggressive/mad lately. After all you are in a marriage where though you love him, you are somewhat of a caretaker but you must watch him not take care of himself. You are also are thinking about your attraction to women, but feeling that you can't really do much about it. And at this point there is not a woman you are specifically interested in anyway. Add to this the whole age thing--I found that once I got into my 40's (I'm 49) I really started taking stock of my life, realizing that I don't have endless time to 'get life right' for me (whatever that means!). And then there's the whole age thing--in our 40's our hormones start shifting and all that goes with that, mood changes etc.:eek: My 40's is when I got divorced, when I acknowledged my true sexuality and had my first (and only so far!) lesbian relationship. Also too it may not be so much that you are MORE aggressive/mad but rather that you are acknowledging and letting yourself feel these feelings... As a side note I am no fashionista at all--but I am lucky that I get a lot of hand-me-downs from my same size friend. And she DOES know how to dress! I'm very feminine, in winter I love to wear flannel shirts over a lacy tank, with jeans and boots. But they have to be the feminine cut flannel shirts, the ones that come in a bit at the waist. I love that look. Last year my friend turned me on to 'skinny boot' cut jeans--different than the classic boot cut. Do you have any of these? It's a great cut--they're skinny jeans throughout but with the boot cut at the bottom. I don't like them with flat shoes or flip flops but they look great with any shoe or boot with a heel. They're a great alternative to skinnies--which I really feel just make at least me look like an upside down christmas tree. :lol: Skinny boot cut jeans create a much more balanced look. Anyway, enjoy the process of revamping your look--sounds like you are getting a bit more daring with your clothing!(!)
I am kind of conflicted right now. I am going to commencement on the 7th for my associates degree and well I just got a email from my school inviting me to a LGBT graduation event on the 25 of this month. The thing is I believe I will have the day off and am considering going but am a bit nervous. First you have to register and pay at eventrite (only 3 bucks but a record ) second I'm not sure what I would tell my family. I usually pick my daughter up from school at 2pm (I only get to do this twice a month and I consider it great bonding time ). I could take her with me and be a little late to the event, which is family friendly. If I took her I would have to tell her something of why I was going to that event, she is 12 and smart. The third issue, which I think is minor is that I might see some one that I know. Also I will or could be one of the oldest people there lol was the same for in the class and I got over it. Oh you get a rainbow tassel which I think is cool. Wonder what people would say if I wore it at graduation. I guess it could be one way to tell everyone. I was considering telling my mom something soon but my dad just had a big accident with a ban saw chopped off most of his flesh on his thumb.
My friend (ex boss) called me today and I told her about the event at school calling it an LGBT event. She said it sounded like fun and that I should go. I thought heck why not and went and bought tickets. I then forwarded her the email invitation I got from my school. In the email I made a comment like "what orientation do you think not wanting to have sex is" just to kind of break the ice and I told her that I have always supported the community. After like an hour she emailed me back and said told me that I didn't tell her it was a "Pride Community" event. Either she didn't hear me when I said LGBT or she wasn't paying attention. She was cool about it but it felt a little weird. She also told me she had to look up several of the terms it listed "LGBTQIA = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, Intersex, Asexual" and that even after looking them up still didn't understand intersex. She told me to look it up and explain it to her, which I did. She said we got to keep up with the times so we know what is going on lol. She said she thought my email was funny and that it should be interesting to hear how it goes, but also said I made her laugh so hard. I am guessing she thinks I am not totally aware of what I signed up for and she cannot see me in the spectrum or it means nothing IDK. Anyways I bought two tickets and plan on going to my Community Colleges first annual Pride Graduation Event. I haven't told anyone else yet. I was planning on telling my husband that I had a school event and that I was taking our daughter, but i was not sure if I would say what the event was. I cannot really tell him now because he just told me he is having chest pain and I might have to drive him to the emergency room. Possibly not the best time to talk about it.
I just told my husband that my school invited me to a graduation event for next Friday and oh by the way it is their first Pride graduation event. He paused looked for a second and said that it sounded fun. I told him that I was taking our daughter and that I would get a rainbow tassle. He laughed and said pick one up for him. It wasn't even an issue. He never even asked why I would like to attend such an event. He has always been very accepting of LGBT issues. In the last two weeks it seems he has gone out of his way to tell me of a celebrity that is finally marrying his boyfriend and he said he was happy for him (Sheldon from Big Bang). Also the other night he was watching MMA and the women's champ was defending her title. The challenger lost very badly but still had a great attitude and even proposed to her girlfriend. My husband was hooping and saying how awesome that was. I just kind of sat there quietly not wanting to comment one way or the other lol. I don't exactly think he is doing these things for my benefit but the timing seems appropriate. I think we are leading up to a talk. I feel he knows already anyways. I could be horribly wrong who knows.
