...well, it was supposed to be just friends first. But it became very clear very quickly we were on a date. And to be fair, I thought back over the messages (we've been texting back and forth) and I easily could have gave the wrong impression. It's been so long since I've done this. She's a sweet woman but I'm not attracted to her at all. And I feel bad because physical appearance is one reason I wasn't physically attracted to her. Some of it were things that anyone could have as an issue (like a lip and nose ring) but some of it was related to a disability. How shallow am I? I'm disabled, for heaven's sake, so how can that bother me? But it did. At one point she leaned in for a kiss and I said "This is still new to me but this is as far as I feel like going tonight" and she was fine. But I could tell she liked me. This, this is why I hated dating the first time around. Granted, I wasn't dating women. But the whole awkwardness, how easily intentions are misread, the "I'm here and you're there" kind of junk...it's enough to just make me decide my sexual orientation doesn't matter because I'll just remain celibate the rest of my life. I'll get a dog or a cat so I can have someone to snuggle with. Any advice for me on how to politely say "You're a wonderful person, but friendship is all I want"? OTOH, we did snuggle a little watching a show and I've had dates with men that felt worse. It felt just like it would with a man I wasn't attracted to. It wasn't extra weird being out with a woman. ETA: She invited me to the local lesbian choir concert tomorrow and asked me to go to the dance with her afterwards. I said yes, as her friend I wouldn't mind going. Would it be wrong to ask her if it's ok if I dance with someone else as well? She bought the ticket as soon as mentioned I was interested in this choir, so I don't want her to be out her money by not going, and I wouldn't mind seeing the choir.
Congratulations on going out on a date. I agree that not wanting to date somebody with a disability when you are disabled yourself is yellow flag. Do you understand why you feel this way? My gut tells me she would be a great person to date but that you are rejecting her for reasons that you may not fully understand. This is a pretty cynical view of dating, and I wonder if this is affecting your assessment here. That's a good starting point. You could add that you had a good time the other night. You should also be prepared to answer the question why just friendship in case it comes up. You are leading this woman on. You need to make it clear that you don't want more than friendship and give her an opportunity to go as friends or invite somebody else.
She has the wrong end of the stick and you need to tell her. As siennaFire says it does sound like you are leading her on but that wasn't your intention. I think sometimes you just have to say it like it is. She may be hurt, but to allowing her to think there could be more is worse that being honest. I don't think you are shallow. You are honest. I don't think her appearance or disability has anything to do with it, attractions happen regardless of someone's looks or what they wear or anything. When you connect with someone it happens. You don't have control over it. So if you don't like her that way it's simple. Just tell her. Tell her you will go to the dance but as friends and only if you pay for your own ticket. But honesty is the easiest thing here. If I was going out with someone with the thought there was more to it I would be devastated if the person I was with danced with someone else. Don't be put off... I don't think this is ever easy. I have friends that I am sure think they are on my gaydar now! It's so hard to explain... you are my friend. But that women in the club last week could be more! And I haven't yet been in a position like this, but I would have to say NO... not for me if there was no connection. To add to that, I had never felt any connection with anyone till last year when I fell for a woman. I didn't understand that feeling of wanting to be with someone, totally connected and share everything with them. Hold out for what you want. It isn't selfish. But be honest, she doesn't deserve to be hurt xxxx Good luck
I agree with the advice Jackiescut17 gave you. You have to remember you are attracted to someone based on appearance, emotions, commonalities, etc. You are not shallow based on those attractions but you need to follow your heart. You can't force or think the parts that are missing will change over time. The one thing I got caught up in in my heterosexual marriage was that I would develop an attraction if I just tried hard enough. Never happened.
When she texted me and told me she had a great time I told her that she was a wonderful person and a good date but just not my type; and that I hadn't even really realized I had a type. Nothing I could put my finger on, but just not my type. I think she was just a little too masculine for me- even had facial hair. And I'm really not big into piercings in weird areas (and for me weird is anywhere but ears). It wasn't just that she walked with a limp or something; she had a traumatic brain injury so everything was off from speech to movement to, well everything. Maybe if I had been prepared for it I wouldn't have been so kind of blindsided. I told her I couldn't go to the concert and I am returning her money. I'm going to run it by today. The only reason I thought of the dancing with someone else is that this was supposed to be a "just getting together as friends" dinner and so when she mentioned it earlier in the evening I figured it'd be a good way to meet people. But when it became clear how she meant it I was trying to figure out some way to make it clear it wasn't a date, and then I decided the easiest way was to just be out the money to pay her back and not go. I don't think I'm ready to date. I'm lonely, I want to meet people, and I like the idea of dating, but I don't think I'm ready for it.
It sounds like she wasn't your type, so you did the right thing to return her money and establish your interest as friends (*hug*) We all have our types, and the key to dating is to figure out (1) our type and (2) where to meet our type. Dating is about experimentation and trying to find someone with whom you click, so the awkwardness you mentioned before goes with the territory. Until you have some success in dating, what you think is your type is a starting point and may evolve (or at least that was the case with me). FWIW, I wasn't ready to start dating until after my coming out high moderated such that the thought of being gay wasn't front and center. Does not being out impact your ability to date? HTH
Yes and no. The circle I was in before and that I'm not out to has virtually no chance of bumping into the circle I have to run into to meet people. The only way it's conceivably possible is either 1. someone I knew is leading a double life, or 2. a woman who works in construction knows my husband. Ex-husband, I should start saying. I keep saying husband, keep thinking things are still up in the air and it hit me a couple of weeks ago- I haven't lived at home for almost a year. Yes, the last legal signatures have to come back on the paperwork but in all other ways I'm divorced. If I wasn't planning on coming out very soon to the people who know me in real life and who would have a problem with this I wouldn't even have considered a date, even a "Friendship first" date. And I'm out or have no problem being out to anyone else. It wasn't weird talking about lesbian stuff on the date, nor was it necessarily weird to hold hands or snuggle a little, other then what I've already mentioned. So I don't know. I would love to have some experience, not just my own thoughts, to base this off of before I cut all my bridges with my old life. What if I'm wrong? What is this is just some kind of weird reaction? What if I hurt my children, possibly my ex and my friends, and for what? If I would say I'm bisexual (because I have a history of attraction to men as well) then couldn't I just choose to be with a man and ignore the woman side of things? That doesn't feel possible anymore, but maybe I've just gone on this weird journey to justify my own failings as a wife and a mother? That being said, I do want to make LGBT friends, and aside from a once monthly happy hour kind of thing there isn't anything in my area except the bar scene. Well, there is a lesbian choir but ironically that is one of the few areas my old life could potentially overlap with my life now (my husband and sons are very active in the choir scene in our city). So how can I meet people? :help: I'm introverted; I'm not the go-up-and-meet-people type. So I thought signing up on a dating app but only choosing the "friendship" option was the best way to go. I guess though, if you're on a dating app you're looking for dating, and I have to admit I kind of am too.
Given what you've written, you are looking to start dating women to help you answer the question bisexual or lesbian before coming out to the circle where you are a wife and mother. This is a valid approach, and I would add one caveat. Be sure that you find your type and click with somebody before answering the question, otherwise you risk concluding that you are more straight than you actually are. Something that might be helpful if you feel comfortable is trying the label "gay mom" or "lesbian mom" as a way of giving yourself permission to blend your two circles. It's very important to start making LGBT friends, so I would encourage you to join as many LGBT groups as you can (assuming you are interested in the activity) as a way of creating a support network in real life. This will help you learn how to be a lesbian and will help you identify your type. You can ask your network for dating tips and where you can meet women who are your type. Do you have an idea of your type? Please keep in mind that this is a starting point that might be refined over time as you meet more people. You probably want to try signing up for several different dating sites because each site has their own vibe. Don't be shy - amend your profile(s) to say that you are looking to meet and make a connection with someone who is your type (and indicate your type on the site). I get the sense that you are a little reticent about all this, which is usually a symptom of shame and internalized homophobia. How do you feel about being LGBT?
Uo That's probably it. I feel like I'm lying by not being out and yet pursuing this, and yet I don't see any of my life surviving my coming out, so I want to be so sure. Maybe more sure then I can expect to be? I really wish there was more. I'm probably going to end up joining the choir. There's a group supposedly that meets at the local Unitarian church but I haven't been able to get ahold of anyone associated with it, so I'm very reticent to just show up at a church I don't attend asking about some group. I know that's normal and churches have activities all the time but it feels weird. Part of my reticence is plain old social anxiety. I hate making phone calls, introducing myself, going into the tutoring center and asking for tutoring, etc. So the whole dating/making friends thing is very overwhelming for me. Most of my friends now are moms and all of my friends except one are conservative/traditional Catholic. For all but 2 years of the last 22 of my life, I have believed that homosexuality is wrong. I would probably still think it's wrong if things hadn't happened the way they did. It's one thing to tell someone they don't have to act on their feelings, another to experience it yourself and realize it's not like having willpower on a diet. But that is who I have been. That is how I have raised my children- and I have both teen and preteen children who know what LGBT is and would be against it. How do I feel about being LGBT? Honestly, that it's awfully damn inconvenient. It'd sure be nice if I could go along with the way things have been for so long, even with the same sex attraction in the background. OTOH, it makes a lot of sense out of a lot of stuff for me and it gives me a community and in that sense I'm happy about it. So, I'm torn. Does that internalized stuff usually just take time to get rid of?
You come from a conservative church that doesn't affirm the LGBT community, so if you were to come out you might lose ties with many of your friends and family. There's also another possibility that you are an agent of change who might be able to influence your friends and family to understand that being gay is not a choice. I just wanted to plant that seed ... I wrote a blog to record my experience when I was coming to terms with my own sexuality. While it's written from the perspective of a gay man, there are still many useful lessons that might help you - Healing the shame of being gay. The key takeaway for you is that you need to start doing more things that you find uncomfortable in order to grow. The fact that your view of being gay has evolved over the past 2 years is an incredible start.
