Hi...I haven't meant to disappear in the last few days... I'll come back to the other threads I've written but I'm feeling a need to share something new. can anyone help me sort through these feelings? It seems as if my life is about to change. In the last few days, I've sorted through a bunch of practical issues and it seems I can actually move out in *2 months* (!); and before the end of the year my divorce may be finalised, and I would be completely independent of my ex. This is the moment I've been waiting for; I've been counting down the minutes until I can be at the point, dreaming of that point in my life. But at the moment what I'm feeling is..... panic. I'm not fully sure why. I'm sure it's because this is a massive change in my life; because it leaves me feeling a bit vulnerable; because now I'll really see how it all impacts my daughter (will our bond suffer? Will she suffer?) What do I do with all of this anxiety and panic? I'm trying to quiet my mind. ---------- Post added 20th May 2017 at 12:52 AM ---------- I find myself thinking things like- is this my life? How did I go in the last 6 years from living in my hometown planning my wedding to some guy I meant to spend my life with, to getting married, moving to NYC, getting pregnant, moving to the UK, moving back to the US, moving back to the UK, coming out of the closet, and getting a divorce.....?
Sometimes I feel like my daughter is getting more close to my ex and less close to me. All these life changes that I'm making.... I don't want to lose what I have with my daughter. Where do I find the balance between fulfilling my own needs and making sure I'm present with my daughter? She doesn't prefer me the way she always has. But i'm happier than I ever used to be. Have I gone too far away from the parenting role I've always given so much of myself too? I used to be miserable, empty and now I'm making this new life and I feel happier, but am I too focused on me now and I'm losing sight of my little girl? What if she doesn't want to stay in my new home? What if she feeels I abandoned her? What if she doesn't care because she'd rather be with her father? ---------- Post added 20th May 2017 at 02:50 AM ---------- Ps I didn't intentionally make a dancing banana. It was supposed o be an exclamation point
Hooray for the short time line! This is the scenario you were hoping for, right? I think the panic is a normal reaction to such major life changes. I'm glad it's passing. As for your daughter, I worry about that with my son. I think the fact that you are paying attention to notice it, and are asking yourself these questions shows that you care a lot. You will be a terrific parent I'm sure!
glad your feeling better. that panic feeling i know well, i find it comes from change, from the unknown. the familiar is comfortable, even miserably familiar is comfortable. even knowing i was doing the right thing in 2013 it was panic inducing. and that was before i came out to myself, let alone anyone else. i found deep breaths, and being mindful and letting the feelings wash over me and then pass was helpful. they came on several times, and might for you too. BTW i think your a great mom, and your daughter will be ok, her feelings will align back and forth many times over the next years but i think she'll do better with a happy whole mom than with an empty one. (*hug*)
baristajedi, Glad you're feeling better. Ofcourse panic comes now and then...any big transition in life can bring that on. When I first felt I was a lesbian, I had anxiety/panic off the charts. Some days I still do, but definitely less. It comes and goes, but just remember that when it hits, keep telling yourself "this shall pass." Glad you're doing well.
Hi from Glasgow Baristajedi! I've dealing with panic attacks for years and recently started back at counselling for them. Things that help me: Tell yourself THIS WILL PASS. Get a cuddle Try to concetrate on breathing slowly, in, out, in, out... and nothing else Google "Mindfulness" - these are exercises to calm your mind. Sounds like a load of pish, but they reallyyyyy work!!! Hugsss
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and insight. I want to come back and respond more to each post. I'm still battling a lot of emotions at the moment - I'm not sure why but it seems like I've got this internalised homophobia making its way to the surface again and it's really fucking with me. I feel it and I don't know how to manage it. I haven't had those feeelings for a long time; like I should just go back in the closet, why do I get to be happy, etc
sorry you're experiencing this i am not dealing with nearly as much as you are so hesitate to give advice, but when I get these, I just think of them as triggered urges of something I am trying to give up.
Thank you findingjoy, I think I've figured out what's at the core of all the negative feelings that have been surfacing. I was writing out my thoughts this morning, and I realise what it is --- I'm afraid to believe that I can actually be happy. It's always seemed like such a dream, like something I've built up in my head that could never be real. Now it can be real. I can make it happen. I think believing that and really letting myself feel the emotions that go with it terrified me a bit. But, actually, I can have happiness, fulfilment, peace. I can live a life true to me. I'm ready to let myself feel the joy. I may need a good cry first, but I think I'm ready to let the joy in.
i've gone through that, still do some times, like what makes me special that i can build happiness? but then i tell myself that i've been empty and miserable for far too many years and now it's my turn. sometimes i swear at myself to get me to listen. you've seen the happiness, go get it....
