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Struggling with acceptance

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, May 20, 2017.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    Acceptance is really not coming easy to me.

    I can acknowledge the attraction I have towards women, but anything else doesn't seem to be happening.

    At the moment, I'm functionally heterosexual (just about), but in reality I'm only turned on by thoughts about women.

    When I was younger, I wanted to have a male partner, children, nice house, etc. I never really thought about how I was going to get there. I wasn't focused on the relationship, just the end goal. It was like something to tick off on a list.

    I've ticked it all off. On paper, my life is great, but I'm not happy.

    When I think about women, my focus is on the relationship. There's no end goal. It's more that I want to live it, than tick it off a to do list.

    But, it doesn't fit with who I am. Just doesn't seem very me. I don't know. I just cannot accept it. It's not the future I imagined. It means I badly got it wrong years ago. It means I have to tell everybody and I don't really want to.

    I just cannot believe this is happening to me. :bang:
     
  2. Bluenote

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    Lost in Daydreams,
    Welcome to EC. I am in the same boat. I've had a few months to acknowledge this truth to myself and I'm starting to be OK with it. Our society reinforces the husband, children, house, etc. so thoroughly that it's hard to step back from that and really understand yourself to see if that's what you really want. I too have that list, and am coming up empty feeling - with a big empty spot for a meaningful relationship with a woman. I know now that I will have to continue to live with this hole getting bigger - or get brave enough and make some huge changes in my life.

    I am trying to give myself time - I've heard this advice - to really process this big change. I'm just feeling more and more empty and in dire need of a new start in a different life.

    Coming to EC helps. It helps to know that you have a place where people are listening and they are supporting you.

    We only have the days in front of us, so I try not to look at the years I've lost, as I have had some wonderful times with my family - I just know that it doesn't fit anymore and I need to do something about it.

    I hope you can find some hope and support for your future here on EC. We are all here for you.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi Bluenote,

    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I know EC is fantastic, and it's been a great help so far. I hope you find the support you need too. It's good to hear you're starting to be OK with it after a few months.

    I've been here for about a year now and I probably started to acknowledge it after a few months, was OK with it internally after a few more months, and I'm still not where I want to be, to be honest.

    I've posted all this before, I know.

    I don't know what I'm waiting for. I'm too scared about the possible outcome to say anything. I can't imagine a reality where it all works out.

    I guess I need to do something, though.
     
  4. Rana

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    Lostindaydreams,

    Have you ever felt romantic or sexual attraction to a woman you knew in real life?
    This doesn't mean you acted on it, but did you feel that for an actual person you know?
    The reason I ask is that you said you "can't imagine a reality where it all works out."
    I'm thinking if you felt something for a woman you actually knew, then you might start to be excited about the fact that in reality it can, and does indeed work out.

    Ofcourse I'm not suggesting you should go outside your marriage or anything, but what I mean to say is that sometimes we can't imagine the things that we have not had experiences with yet. Perhaps someday you will feel that a relationship and a life with another woman can be a very happy and satisfying reality.

    I couldn't imagine it either until I had feelings for another woman (my catalyst) who I never even dated, but who was in my life long enough for me to know this was a possibility... enough to imagine a happier life. I was never the same after that.
    ♥♥♥
     
    #4 Rana, May 20, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2017
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes.

    When I mentioned about it all turning out OK, I think I was referring more to my current partner, our daughter, and everybody we know. Sorry, that wasn't very clear.
     
  6. findingjoy

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    Beyond posting here have you done anything about it, talked to anyone.. can you go to an LGBT meetup - maybe just once, maybe somehwere far away from home so you have no issues..

    It seems like this is really eating you up. Another option is to just say you're going shelve it for awhile. Many here may disagree but constant struggle with something can be draining. especially if its always day1.


    I am glad you have these things. I am jealous , but is this something people really want that they 'tick off'. Some who has a goal to be farmer doesn't do for a year and move back to the city unless they discover it's not for them.
    Is it that there are no challenges in your life and no way to relax other than these fantasies, or is it you just don't want this?
    If you want this, gay issues aside, you might still have fantasies that are not in harmony with these 'goals' - if they are important to you then you have to give up other things.


    it definitely is in complete conflict with how you live.. but are you willing to change that?
    If you badly got it wrong then you're continuing to badly get it wrong.

    You don't have to tell everyone... you can do it in stages- end the relationship, set up a new life, then when you do meet someone announce that part.

    Once you got past the act of telling everyone, would that be so bad?
    No one here has liked doing it but everyone has felt better after...
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    No. It's not really an option...Why face reality, if you've got a good excuse not to?

    I've tried. It does not seem to work.

    I don't know if I can accept that my sexual desires are more important than everything else. It feels selfish and lacking in control, or weak. I'd feel guilty.

    This is just how I feel about myself. It's not a comment on anyone else.

    I know, but I may never have realized, may never have come out anyway.

    I don't think I could own it, to be honest.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    You were socialised to live in a heteronormative world. You established life goals based on what you learned was supposed to be how you needed to live life, rather than being true to yourself and living life the way you were supposed to live life.

    In order to continue on your journey, try and focus on untangling all of the heteronormative messaging you were raised with. While your mind says to live how your supposed to live, your environment blankets you with shame for thinking about doing so.

    Sorry if I am repetitive and have said this before, but I am a firm believer that the path you need to follow requires managing the embedded shame that exists.

    I share some thoughts on how I manage shame on my EC blog which you are obviously free to read if you would like:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/14595-managing-shame-internalized-homophobia.html