Hello. I just found EC again, thought I would try to connect with other married gay guys to see/give support. I came out to my wife in 2015, it was a shock to her but she's been generally amazing. Ups and downs. We have been married 36 years, 3 adult kids. I've fantasized about men since adolescence, but never acted on it. Didn't understand it as a younger person, only "came out" to myself a few years before telling her. Lots of conflicting regrets now - not living authentically vs. loving my wife/kids/life. Has anyone "figured it out"? Jon
To "figure it out" is a head or mental process … which is an intellectual approach … & secondary - to feelings of the heart, which are primary. Our attractions are heart & emotional based, not head based. For example, someone can grow up in a homophobic family, & still come out as gay. The head stuff from their parents didn't work, the kids gayness was primary. The other thing that came up for me, reading your post, is that feelings & attractions are present based, & not frozen in time. To be aware of them, we need to be able to look within, & feel what's going on in our bodies. This may contradict something in our heads - perhaps a homophobic message. To live authentically, we have to be in the present. We all have regrets - they're part of human nature! I'd imagine you're grateful for some beautiful things w your family. Celebrate them, & be honest about what's going on w u now. I suggest not dwelling on regrets, & moving toward those things u want.
Hi thatsme, I'm a woman but I've also come out to my husband just two years ago. We've not been married as long as you have but I connect to a lot of the emotions you're talking about. I just wanted to welcome you to EC and tell you there are others out here who understand what you're going through. I have figured out my own path but it's all still a learning process and I'm sorting through a lot still, but in my case, I decided to separate from my husband and we're getting close to the end of the process, and things are starting to look like there's a good ending in sight. It's so good that your wife is being supportive. What do you feel you need at this point to move forward and embrace this part of yourself?
Thatsme, if you have time, consider reading some posts from my blog: Vulnerability, Closure and Letting Go: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/14596-vulnerability-closure-letting-go.html Managing Shame and Internalized Homophobia: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/14595-managing-shame-internalized-homophobia.html Gay Purgatory: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/14597-gay-purgatory.html I reflect on some key concepts that helped me fully embrace myself as well as highlight various threads over the years where I discuss critical aspects of my journey. Many of us have been where you are. Your certainly not alone!
OTH … fyi … I was unable to access any of the posts from your blog. I got a msg that permission was denied. Is it bec I'm a regular member?
