The joy of coming out to oneself ....realizing other men think like this too...

Since starting on EC a few months back - with a flurry of writing and gushing to tell everything (though theres not much to tell really) I've eased back - listened a bit more as it were - and spent visits mostly reading, with the odd post, but more interested in what is being shared, spoken about.

We each have so much in common. Humanity, sexuality. masculinity in so many ways.

I realise more and more how much I want to sit down and talk and relate with men of my own kind. Gay men. Men who feel like I do. Cause I know I feel like you. I want to talk openly, to be open. And see its only with other men where I can drop my guard. While with women its different, the re s no desire for a relationship, all sense of chase, of pressure of something to be done, is not there.

While of thinknig about men it is the knowing we intimately know each other. Without words and way beyond blokey stuff and what I call hetero talk. Its just not interesting. Which is where I find/have found women much more engaging. How to be. But whats been missing for me is intimacy..the intamacy of being openly warmly gay. Thats what iI want. There are tears in writing this.

I guess fear of the unknown, fear of losing the familiar... is a trap. But I know what I know about me is Im a gay man living a lie. Its always been there. It is now so obvious, and whats more Im becoming so pleased about acknowledging this internal process. And feel so happy sharing this, admitting and it in putting all on the table for you to see...!

The appreciiation that comes in mutual understanding and acceptance.

A few minutes back I had an 'aha' moment - I guess thats how best to descibe it. Which promoted rhis writing.

The honest realisation - I want to share intimacy with men of like thought. I dont mean sex nessecarily, though of course it is part n parcel...and I know if years of fantasy are any guide, its the physical touch I want and need. In wired that way. IM PROUD TO BE..Even in those words I get a taste of PROUD. its no longer the gay men out there, over there, somewhere else...Im here. Those gay men include me.

In so many writings here on EC I get that empathry and understanding with others when rrady about the sense of relief of lightness that comes will spelling out ones feelings.

This to me is coming out.

A few nights back in bed with my wife, though we sleep separately mostly, just snuggling up at first. Then head to out room. It good this way. The bonus is i can lay and write without disturbing her.

As she held me, and I her, I felt so comforable, we were warm together, but though we were intimate it was not sexual. She understands Im sure. There is nothing there for me, to get an erection I need to bring to mind a male fantasy. I no longer feel guilty about it...but father just know thats how it is.I sense my wife guesses. We are more plutonic really. I simply dont get turned on. That was a shock in some ways that I hadnt looked. That Whereas years past there would be a turn...now nothing.

Yet I know if it were a man there by my side, enough side...the though of being in that place is ... me.

There is so much to say...to share. In these next few months Im going to go to a local getup group for older gay men.

I want to stop running away from myself...and just do it. Just go and be...and even the Pride March ( swallowing the fear ...my god someone will see me...well of course.. but actualky I want to be seen. I JUST DONT WANT TO KEEP IN HIDING. so thank you EC.

The things we do, I do to avoid the things we/I really want and are/have been too scared/to comfortable or numb to reach out for and take hold.

Well, thats my evolving outcoming epiphany.

Thank you EC men and women, you're all very special.

 

Your words are a joy to read. I see in them the feelings that Im experiencing. Its an intimacy that I internally know is found with anothrr man that I do not find in being with women. There is a disconnect. Beautiful to look at, pretty, thee humour, girlish playfulnes, amazing intuition, the idea of going shopping with a women is fun. But intimacy just isnt there, and now I accept it has never been there, in the way I need it. From another view I want to give that intimacy to another man. The sec is just oart of the journey, if a very enjoyable and engaging part...lol

Yes a happiness comes with 'gay feeling' something that can only be experienced, labels dont work.

You've described it beautifully...thank you.

And in this moment of writing is the joy of sharing in the post reply to you another gay man.and everyone who reads it.... how wonderful. Thats the gay Im looking for...being gay is knowing gay.