Hi! I came out to a friend and she asked me that question. She received it very nicely and respectfully. I told her that I've always felt like a piece in the wrong jigsaw puzzle box. She also told me why did I want to fit into another box. It took me a while to have the courage to come out to her but those questions actually made me think more about it. It is interesting to think the need to fit somewhere and do anything to fit. By being gay I felt that my relationship options reduced drastically. You know, the idea to have a wife and have children, etc. Recently a girlfriend of mine got married with a friend of mine. I was really happy for them because I love them very dearly but inside me I was thinking that I won't have that.. But pushing me to fit into another way of doing things also scares me. I don't have to and and I don't want me pushing too hard just to fit somewhere else. I've been doing that all my life... My friend told me to find myself first, as a whole, not just a tag of being gay or not... What do you think?
I think being gay is not just a tag. I suppressed being gay for years , when I finally explored my feelings, I realized they were way more than sexual, in fact the most surprising thing is romantic intimacy with another man became my primary drive.... Notice I said drive, not push You don't have to do anything its acknowledging your inner feelings and desires and choosing how to pursue them .
Hey Heval, I'm not certain what your friend was getting at based on the short bit if conversation that you relayed, but I would say that understanding and accepting your sexuality does NOT put you into another 'box', rather it frees you to just be who you truly are. If you feel 'forced' or 'pushed' into a 'way of life'/'box', then that would seem to indicate that it isn't the real you. (Such as being expected by others - and expecting for yourself - that you would get married and have children in a conventional family before you understood and accepted that you are gay.) But your sexuality is just part of who you are. If you were to describe yourself - who you are - to someone else, what would you say? Would you start with your physical description, your most prominent traits, your skills, etc? You sexuality may very well be in there, but I doubt that it's the first nor most important thing is your sexuality. I would say that where you are at now is not about 'fitting in' to a box or anyone's expectations, rather simply to be comfortable with yourself. Maybe what your friend was getting at is that perhaps you need to readjust your overall understanding of yourself to accept the fact that you are no longer being forced into a 'box' (heterosexuality) that you didn't make for yourself. I don't know if that helps at all...
I tend to agree with your friend if I understood correctly what you said she said. There are many ways to live with and express your sexuality. Some guys place it at the forefront of who they are and they shape their lives around their sexuality and the gay culture that has developed over the last several decades ... being gay becomes the filter through which they see the world. Other guys think of their sexuality as more of a matter-of-fact trait like being left-handed (probably a kind of bad analogy but it came to my mind on the fly) ... these guys tend to be more independent from the mainstream gay culture and are sometimes shunned by the more militant types. And there are also in-between options as well. So if your friend meant don't let the label of being gay, although you may feel it fits you in some ways, become a limiting factor in how you approach the world and other people and ideas then I agree with her.
In my opinion, being gay simply means that one is attracted to members of the same sex. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. I think anymore power than that assigned to the word comes from a different place than its inherent meaning.
"I just am" is the best response to questions like these. Sometimes it's useful to ask who, what and why questions, to clarify and develop understanding about specific issues, but there really is no need for analysis or introspection about your sexuality. Would a straight person ponder over the same questions? Highly unlikely, so why should we?
