Coming out while Married

Hello All,
This is my very first post as I am on my journey to find out really who I am. I know this story may sound crazy and wild but it is what I am living and I am desperate to find answers so that I stop feeling so lost.
I was brought up very religious (like if you looked the wrong way you were going to hell) so as one can imagine, my world centered around finding the right man to be with. I left the church in 9th grade and the first two people to befriend me in public school were a gay boy and a lesbian girl. I treated them like I would anyone else because that was who I am but at the same time I was fairly traumatized because I had been taught it was very wrong. I dated one guy late in highschool and early college. We were going to get married when I finally realized just how toxic our relationship was. At that time I had struggled with attraction to our female roomate but also had attraction towards other guys. I guess its also important to note that I have had a lot of physical, mental and sexual abuse growing up from my parents, babysitter and eventually a guy I went on a date with.

After I broke up with my fiancee, I met the man who is now my husband. To say that this man saved my life is an understatement. I was in a bad place when I met him. I didnt know who I was, I had just gone through a rape, I had been putting myself through college and living on my own since 16 and I was a mess. Well this man was amazing, everything i had ever wanted and needed. He was also very supportive of my curiosity towards women (what guy isnt LOL). So he supported me when I ended up fooling around with my best friend and often encouraged it. Well we got married and just after this I told him that i was in love with my best friend also. She (in a drunken stuper) also confessed her love for me. Well my husband again was so supportive and we often talked about maybe incorporating my best friend into our marriage etc and what that would look like. Well long story short, found out that my best friend didnt really like me that way, she was just going through her curiosity stage. Well it crushed me, but again, my husband was there.

Over the years I slept wiht another woman (he wasnt involved or there) and she was married. We fooled around in front of our husbands a few times but eventually her husband had a meltdown and couldnt handle it because he was worried she was going to fall in love with me and leave him. My husband had told me he couldnt understand why guys were like that because being with a woman is so different than being with a man, it shouldnt be a threat.

Well fast forward another 7 years, we were now just about into our 10th year of marriage with two wonderful kids and we had picked up and moved down south for my job. A lesbian friend of ours (who was several years younger than us) had also moved down and was spending a lot of time with us. My husband could tell I was attracted to her but I was super hesitant because I am not out of the closet to pretty much anyone other than my best friend and my husband. I was also worried because she was in her early 20s and I am in my early 30s so would that be wrong. Well one day, he literally pushed me into her and we started going at it. It was amazing! This went on for several months. Occassionally my husband would join but I had strict rules on what I was ok with him doing with her (I am a very jealous person and have always been) but I was pretty open for them to do anything other than intercourse. Things got a little weird with her. She fell in love with me and then threatened to kill herself. This was a lot for me due to just having my very close friend, mentor and former business partner end his life only a year before.

I withdrew from the relationship fast and my husband was very good at talking with her and getting her back on the right path. I slept with her a few more times (really when I was having a bad day and just wanted the "fix") but then we broke things off. She ended up dating my niece (slightly weird) and told her that she had slept with me. This made me really upset because no one knows im Bi.

So a month or so goes by and during this time I had been talking to a woman who worked with me (we worked in different states) but we had really clicked. She had a similar personality and we had become good friends. Well she had let me know she was coming down to our location and wanted to go out since we had never met in person. I had a very good idea she was a lesbian and so I told my husband that if she made an advance, I wanted to take advantage of it. At this time, we were trying to have a third child (had been even through sleeping with the previous girl) and I know that my window of getting more of this "fix" in was very small. After all, who has time with 3 kids to do anything other than run around with them and what woman would want a middle aged mom with 3 kids. He was being very hesitant about it and asked me not to bring her to a hotel but to come to the house. Well needless to say I met her and it felt like I had been hit by a bus. She was nothing like any of the woman I had been attracted to before. I was always attracted to more feminine woman and was the more masculine one but this woman was more on the butchy side. We went out and talked and laughed and I resisted the whole night saying something to her but the attraction was crazy! The next morning I told her I was bi and she laughed and asked why i didnt tell her that last night because our night could have been way more interesting.
She went back home and my husband and I talked and he finally said it was ok if I slept with her. So I told her and we texted all the time, talked etc. My husband began to get really weird and he said he felt like I was falling in love with her even though I had only met her once. At this time, I really didnt think I was in love with her but in my mind I was like "so, you were ok with that when I fell for my best friend. You have always been supportive etc". So he told me I couldnt sleep with her and we got into a fight. I finally agreed and was more upset about it because I knew this was my only window and that if I got pregnant, it was over for me and women for a long time. He agreed for her to come down and "hang out" so he could get to know her and we could be friends. The night before she came, he approached me and told me I could sleep with her. He cleaned the house, set the room up with candles and helped me find bbabysitters for our kids. He left to play poker for a few hours while I had time alone with this girl. Our first time together was unlike anything I had ever experienced. She is a little older than me and a full blown lesbian (ie never been with a guy and never wants to at all!). She was so soft and gentle and took me places I hadnt been before. My husband came home and slept on the couch. I guess at sometime he texted me, but as we know, I was a little busy. Once i saw his text, I went downstairs. He was fuming, started yelling at me etc. I was so embarassed. I had this naked woman in my bed and my husband is flipping. I tried to calm him down but nothing worked. I told him I would send her home in the morning and he could get as mad as he wanted then but in hte meantime I was going to go to bed. Well that set him off because I went back upstairs (not to sleep with her but to go to sleep and try not to leave this person who drove 7 hours to see me alone). He took off and the fight continued. I fell into a really dark place and wanted to end things. I fight with depression and anxiety as it is and this pushed me over the edge. She left the next morning and since that moment my life has been a spiral.

The last year has been a roller coaster with him. He goes from being supportive to hating me. From I can be friends with her to I hate her. We tried counseling and his view is that just becasue he wass ok with me falling in love with someone in the past, doesnt mean he is now. He doesnt want me to have a relationship with a woman at all now. Though there are days he claims I can still sleep with women, just not her and I cant have feelings for them. That is not me. I always have to be close to the person I sleep with. I have only been with 3 men in my whole life and all 3 were either my boyfriend or my husband.

Through all of this, my feelings for this girl have multiplied. I am crazy about her. She has really put up with a lot and has stuck by met to try and help me through this. Not once has she tried to convince me to leave my husband for her. She just wants me to be happy and even if that means being with my husband and never talking to her again.

Well I cant not talk to her, I get so angry when she is out of my life. My husband has gone through all sorts of stages, even to the point that he promised me a weekend with her to see if that would help me and I got 4 hours before he called me begging me to come home because he thought he might end his life. Then he realizes recently that he doesnt hate her, he hates himself and felt like he wasnt good enough. So he tries to talk to her and he realizes how much he likes her and invites her down. We had a great non sexual weekend and when she left, he was all about her. He said that he should have no reason why he wouldnt want her in my life, she treats me well, he likes her, she does well with our boys, she truly cares about our marriage and him as a person. So he then agrees for her to come down for a week. I told him I wanted to take it slow and he said I am ok if you kiss her. Well next thing I know, he changes his mind, has a conversation with her and all of sudden both of them sexually throw themselves on me. I was taken aback. He assured me they talked and they were both ok with this, he finally realized he was ok wiht this and she was ok if he wass present during these things and this wass going to be good. It was good. I was still so hesitant because it was like a lightswitch had went off with him. For four days all he talked about was how we were going to show this woman what it was liked to be loved by us, he talked holidays, family vacations and how it was going to be great. The only hitch he still had was he wasnt sure he could ever be ok with us being alone or me going ot see her for a weekend. We were both ok with that and knew that time would tell. He let us go out at the end of the week on a date and have a few hours alone together in bed. Well that triggered him again and we are back where we started.

I am so lost and angry. He has done so many flip flops and has now given me the ultimadeaum, either I am ok with just him or we cant be married. He loves me so much and wants to be with me forever, doesnt understand why I have to love someone else.

So here I am, so confused. I always thought I understood who i am but now that he doesnt approve, I feel lost. I feel like what i am is wrong. I have such strong feelings for this woman but I am not willing to risk my marriage or my kids happiness for mine. What if its just a phase? What if I leave my husband, destroy my kids lives and realize that finally when I am with a woman full time for the first time that I dont like it? Right now I love my husband, but I dont feel anything between us. This is so hard because we have always been close and very physical. I am the type that gets cranky with no sex for a few days but we havent slept together for 3 weeks. I am so hurt and angry with him, i am sure that is the reason. Everytime I talk to the woman, my heart races. I want to be in her arms but I am so afraid its just because its new and exciting. We are at the year mark of dealing with this and I am at the end. I dont know where to go or what to do. I am trying to figure out if i am Bi, gay or just f-ed up. I need to understand who I am because I know not because its what my husband tells me I am.

So in short, he has always known I am Bi, has always known I need a physical relationship with woman, has known I have the capacity to love another woman and has supported it but he now realizes that he cant handle it anymore and i have to choose.

 

I felt better for a bit but things have just gotten worse. I am crazy in love with a woman and this is who the fight has been over for a year
We were doing so good when my husband set boundaries etc and all 3 of us were working together but than he changed his mind again. I don't want to loose my husband. He is kind, sweet, the father of my children and he loves me more than anything but yet I feel a hole in my heart. I miss my, for lack of better terms, girlfriend and I miss that part of sex. It is so different with a woman and so fulfilling. I'm trying hard to not get upset and want her so bad, I'm trying to save my marriage. I don't want to hurt my husband and don't want to have to not see my kids everyday. It's so frustrating! I have never spent time alone with her since we have known each other and I think that is something I need to try and understand this but my husband forbids it.
So I totally understand where you are coming from when you say you miss it. How are you holding up?