Hi. I am new here but hope there is someone here that can give advice. I have been married for 19 years to a woman. We do have children together. I knew I was gay when I married her, but due to religious reasons, I chose to hide my "gayness." I loved her and still do, but I can't live like this anymore. I am tired of hiding. I have accepted who I am and I even came out to her. She thinks its due to a traumatic experience in my childhood and wants me to see a psychologist so they can "fix" me. There was an experience in my childhood and I think I do need to see someone and talk about that, but that wasn't what made me gay. As long as I can remember, I have liked guys. She won't accept what I said. I know she and I have been together a very long time and I know that I am destroying her world. I feel very guilty about that, but I can't change who I am. How do I get her to accept me. How do I get her to understand that I am not broken and need to be fixed? I do still love her, but I don't want to stay married. I just recently turned 40. I don't want to live in misery anymore.......and the misery is in me hiding who I am. Can anyone help? Like I said, I am new here so if this is a topic somewhere else, please point me in that direction. Thanks, Bastien
Hi Bastien, There are many of us who share a similar journey to you. I too came out to my wife after 19 years of marriage, with two kids, and had to go through the same guilt over destroying my wife's plan of growing old together with me. I feel for you because I've been living it too. Your wife needs time to process this revelation, and what it means for her and her future. She will need to go through the same stages of loss that we all do in these situations. Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Grief - Acceptance. It sounds like she is going through a combination of denial and bargaining. "You're not really gay, you just need to see a psychologist and this will all be better." This is a very common reaction. You asked how you can get her to accept you, to see that you don't need to be fixed. The simple answer is that you can't. She must go through this process in her own way and in her own time, and you can't push her through that process. Remember that you have been dealing with your feelings for decades. She has been dealing with them for a month. This will take much time to get through this, and she will have many more challenges with processing it. I've been out to my wife for a year, and she is still processing and dealing with her anger. Some spouses take months, others years, and still others never seem to successfully reach a healthy level of acceptance. It sounds like you have reached a good level of acceptance, and that's a wonderful feeling. I know it well. Please just be compassionate and understanding with your wife and family, and give it the time it needs. Please continue to read and post here, and share your journey with us. The forum labeled "LGBT Later in Life" may be of particular interest to your situation. The members that frequent that forum tend to have more applicable experience in coming out later in life. Take care. ride:
Maybe both of you need to see a professional each (doesn't have to be a psychologist per se): your wife to process this change in her understanding of you and the marriage, and you to continue the coming out process and any other issues.
I very much recommend you see some kind of family therapist. But, NON religious. It's important that you get out of the marriage as amicably as possible for everyone's well-being including the children. In my case, my marriage was very broken anyway, so when I came to terms with being gay, I didn't have to come out to my husband. I asked for a divorce just because we were obviously both unhappy. He still doesn't know though he may suspect. Since you are out to your wife, and she's having a hard time with it and wants to be married, you guys really need a third party counselor to help her understand.
