A year ago I was just someone content in just being still! No interest in going out. Only socialising with a small group of friends that I knew very well. Not at all interested in finding a man to settle down with as all the relationships I had previously had been ended by me as I simply wasn't happy. I decided that relationships were not for me. I gave them up and decided that a life on my own would be my preference. 15 years on my own! That all changed in a single moment. Not expected, as lots of us EC members have in their own ways come to realise. We have all had these moments where our little worlds are turned upside down and can never be the same again. But I must admit, I know I don't want mine to be the same again. I am loving life at the moment. My catalyst opened something in me. It wasn't something I had lost it was something that had never before been awakened. Something I had never felt with anyone before. No man had ever made me feel the way I fell for her. My previous searching for a partner had been doomed from the start. I was trying to find something in a man that wasn't there. I found something in this woman that I needed... for her it wasn't the same. It was a shock, not reciprocated, but that's a few hundred earlier posts but just needed to set the scene! I think I have headed into a new adult puberty. Emotions, desires... my libido is off the scale? 52 year old hormonal woman on the loose. Although I am 52 I feel a lot younger. I act so much younger. I feel reborn! This post is to explain something. Don't give up. And if you haven't started your journey yet don't be shy. I think once I realised I was gay I had this urge to explore more. I joined a meetup group and have been to 5 in total now. I tried LGBT and women only groups and have decided when it's a social chat in a pub it is women I prefer to be around. Last night was a larger gar bar/club which was awesome, men and women but the group I was in was all women. This was the 2nd time I have been to this venue, and it is going on my calendar as a regular monthly meet. I was in two minds whether to go. It had been a shit week at work and I was so tired. I came home, had a shower and had a lay down for half an hour. I then had to decide about having a night in watching netflix or heading off to Brighton to have a night out. Last time my straight mate came with me for support. This time I had quite a drive and would be on my own! What the heck... if I didn't like it I could leave. My new found confidence (is it that) would allow me to say " this isn't for me, bye" Last time at this venue I got very drunk. We went on a pub crawl, lost the room key blah blah blah (previous post) But that night was epic and the result was that I was I was heading back for more. I got there at the start time of 8pm. The table was empty, no one in sight! I got a bit worried, and just started my plan of having a walk on the beach when the barman said that a few ladies were sitting out the front! Then an event host came in and we started chatting. It wasn't the host I was expecting. This host had not been before, the original host not being able to make it. I chatted a while to 2 ladies and as the next hour passed about 8 more people arrived They all seemed to know each other and a little later more people came and they all were chatting away. I felt a little left out. Some clearly had good friendship bonds and started to move about and group off. This didn't happen at the last one. Maybe because I had been drinking and was more open to chatting... I don't know. All I did know is that I didn't want to be there. I went on my phone and messaged my straight mate and said I would soon be going for that paddle. Then I thought, no. It may be me. I need to get into the conversations. I put my phone away and looked to see if there was a conversation I could hyjack. There wasn't really, so I spoke to the event host. Asked her about how hard it is to set a group up. By now it was 9.45pm. The drag act was about to come on, so I thought I would stay and watch that and then go. Then this woman sat down next to me. She asked if it was my first meetup? I gave a brief explanation of my meetup history and she said... "most of the group are leaving now, but it's just warming up?" The dynamics of my evening totally changed! She was such a laugh. It was her first meetup of any kind. Her friend had bought her to introduce her to the group. We chatted for an hour and swapped numbers. Not for anything romantic but for friendship, which is what I need most I think at the moment. Like minded friends. She wanted to stay and party, the nightclub started at 11pm and even thought I hadn't been drinking I would have gone for a quick boogie before driving home. But she had to leave with the friend that bought her. While she was in the loo her friend spoke to me. She asked me, with a smile on her face... " did you just swap numbers"? I said yes, but to meet up for a chat as friends. I felt so at ease that I briefly explained what I was looking for in the group. To extend my friend group and socialise more with people I feel comfortable with. She smiled. She asked if I would like another friend. I gave her my phone and she put her number in it. We left together... we stood outside against the railings overlooking the sea and the 3 of us chatted for about half an hour. They were on the same wavelength as me. It felt like I had known these women for years. How can that be. This club I am in is certainly special and exclusive. You join and you are instant members accepted and loved and understood. My straight mate was amazed I went on my own. She said she was so proud at how brave and confident I was. But I don't think it's confidence.? I have this urge to do these meetups. I can't seem to stop looking for suitable ones to go to. I get so nervous beforehand. Then decide not to go. Then think i can't not go what would I be missing. Then just before I go I get REALLY excited. I get outside the venue and think SHIT I can't do it. Then I am sitting in there with lots of ladies just like me. Please EC friends. I know I have written another novel. I can't seem to stop when I get on here. I have not shared for a while as I do feel in a really good place at the moment. But I would love to hear if any of you feel this urge... surge to move forward and see what is out there. Do you feel your usual friend group doesn't quite give you what you need now. What do we need. I feel like some conversations are so boring now. I feel bad about how I feel about my usual friendship group... do you gain a new look on everything being a lezzie. Will this settle down as at the moment my new life has nearly wiped out my old social life. Most of it can be wiped. i like who I am now, although this all started with the most painful thing I have ever had to endure... it happened at a time in my life when I needed a change and I LOVE BEING ME! I have another meetup booked. This is going to be a challenge. Next Friday is singles night???? People going to this are going with the intention of 'meeting' someone. That is a train journey so I will be having a couple of drinks. xxx
Hi Jackie, Yesterday I was thinking and struggling with exactly what you describe at the end of your post...the idea of not connecting as much with your old social group. I feel this way exactly! Last night I was thinking that since realizing my sexual orientation I've felt quite isolated because I really don't have a like minded community to turn to as my social circle is not into this. This new life is difficult to adjust to without the support of a like minded community which I simply do not have yet, so I'm feeling very alone at the moment. I think it's worse when you're surrounded by people yet you feel alone because you don't relate to them anymore. I've felt like this for quite some time. Truth be told, I'm a little worried that coming out later in life will make it more difficult for me to build a network or new community that I so desperately want to be a part of. I'm forever inspired when I read your posts. Your courage in putting yourself out there is not a small thing; you should really be proud of that. So much of what you wrote about your life is exactly like mine. I also never married because things never quite felt right, and I also just sort of gave up on relationships altogether for the last couple of years. It got to the point where I would remove myself from situations where I even thought the guy wanted to ask me out on a date... I just didn't even want to deal with it. So I'm grateful for this "rebirth" as I call it, but it certainly has come with a feeling of isolation...it's like I no longer "fit" in the old life I've created for myself, yet the thought of how I'm supposed to go about building a new life is daunting and sometimes without hope. That's why reading your posts and seeing your courage inspires me & gives me hope...and that's the greatest gift anyone can give. So thank you and please keep writing. ❤️
Jackie, Thanks for sharing about your night at the meet up! I think my biggest takeaway from what you wrote is how you were able to sit with your discomfort that night, when you really weren't talking to anyone and wanted to leave. Instead you stayed. (I would have probably bolted for the door!:eusa_doh. And staying led to you connecting with some new friends! This is inspiring! :icon_bigg Jackie and Rana, Same thing here with the 'old friend groups'--some of them at least. I went out with one of the old friend groups last weekend. I never got together too much with this group, but definitely 4 or 5 times a year. I am not out to them. It was fine I guess, we had some laughs, but through it all I just felt this disconnectedness. Like I wasn't even really me having dinner and drinks with them. It's like I was watching myself from above acting out a skit. And this disconnect was definitely around more than just my not being out to them and having to hide that. It was a more overall disconnect-- a feeling of this group being a place where I no longer fit . AND not even caring that I don't. Which is a new sort of feeling for me--- the being okay with not fitting, I am accepting it as not good or bad, and not something that is my fault. But rather the recognition that sometimes there really ARE seasons to friendships. The journey continues! Take care.
Well Rana... it will come. I will tell you more when and if I get full membership but my staying put at that Meetup Friday led to something f@@cking fantastic. I messaged my new friend, who is having a shit time too. Like minded lesbians we were. She had a free evening and invited me over. So, back up the motorway I went. I didn't need asking twice. She said we could have a beer on the beach and I could stay over. I can not believe that within a day of meeting this new friend I was on my way to her house. We drank lots of beers on the beach and we chatted till it was dark. We wandered into town and got fish and chips. We both emptied our hearts and gave each other opinions on our problems. It was lovely. She had a cry, I cried... we sat on a blanket on the beach hugging. The evening didn't end there. We were both very comfortable in each others company. We got a cab home and sat in the garden. I do find her attractive. I did make a suggestion that as we were adults could we ????? She was drunk as was I and she said no... but we could cuddle. And we cuddled and that's how I woke up the next morning. In her arms. What happened next was magical. Too private for on here. We were both sober and fully aware of what was happening. Twice! We are friends. She has something going on in her life. I have things to deal with and I need friends. But last night was something we both needed and it was fecking awesome. She couldn't believe it was my first time. I laughed and said I had been practicing in my head. We dozed for a while and then laid in bed in each others arms and chatted. She made it very clear that she cares for someone else. They are not together but she is hoping for that. It doesn't worry me. I took something from last night that I needed as did she. She has asked me down again next weekend and I am going. And I also want more. Rana. It's so hard going into a pub or bar for a meetup but you have to do it. I really wanted to come home. It was fate. My first experience was lovely. And I also have a really good friend x I am going to a singles one on Friday. I have messaged the meetup group and it seems to have started a bit of a chat on the page and there are lots of newbies. I actually can not wait now! ---------- Post added 28th May 2017 at 02:33 PM ---------- Moonsparkle, It felt so awkward... I felt so left out. But OMG it turned out right. I struggle with the disconnected feeling now when I'm with my usual friends. We have a birthday meal next week for a friend and I think there is about 8 of us going. I know I will be sitting there with a face like the cat that got the cream hahahahaha. And it is like you say... it's more than my being gay. I jut feel like I don't fit. But my straight mate said that it's not them that has changed... it's me. I may liven things up and let it out that I'm a raving dyke... raving being an apt description at the moment lol x
Thank you so much for sharing these experiences. I am in transition right now, too, and having the crazy libido. I'm 43 and just accepting that I'm gay. I feel so much more at peace with who I am, and so much more relaxed around other people. My apparent confidence is making more people approach me to chat and ask me out for drinks, etc. But, it's hard. I'm highly motivated to socialize on one hand, but on the other, I freak out worrying about whether people can tell I'm gay or cannot tell I'm gay, with whether I should blurt it out or keep it to myself unless it comes up *somehow*, but HOW does it come up? Exciting and stressful all at once. Edit: I'm currently divorcing my husband. He is moving out any day. And I have a 5 year old son.
Melancholy my libido is off the scale. Today it's worse! I keep thinking of recent events and whoaaa... want more. I could have stayed in bed all day! If she messaged now and asked if I wanted to repeat the weekend I would be in the car and off lol. But friends it is and last night was an incredible friendship boost x
Holy f**kballs Jackie! Good for you! You just went 100 miles per hour on that motorway! LOL! What fantastic news. OMG, I can't even imagine myself in that scenario. I think my head will explode! And look at you...twice!!! LOL! You effing rock! ❤️
lol... All quiet in bed this morning :-( yesterday was definitely something I could get used to waking up to!
Can totally relate to not feeling as connected to my friends as before. I'm not quite sure they understand what I'm going through and they are all getting hetero married and having kids and I'm on a different journey (not that I don't want those things in the future, but they're just not in the cards for me right now). The way I'm looking at it is this: I know they'll always be in my life and I adore them, but I need to open up to new experiences/people so I don't feel as lonely in life. It's cool that you're already on your path to doing that.
She's coming over here tonight! Just for a chat and to chill! But since she messaged and said she was coming over I seem to be buzzing. I am under no illusion that this will go anywhere. She has been upfront with her feelings for someone else. But I don't care. May not be on here later so will post tomorrow xxx Just enjoying the moment!
I've been following your posts for a while now, and just have to tell you how happy I am for you! Have a great time and enjoy!!!!
