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Married and extremely confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jer1080, Jul 27, 2011.

  1. Jer1080

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    I'll apologize in advance for the lengthy post I'm about to write. I'm a 30 year old male and have been married for 5 years now and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. A little less than a year ago I voluntarily separated from the military (Air Force) after 12 years of service. It was a decision that my wife and I discussed at great lengths and decided it was for the best. She was and still is active duty which was the main reason for me to get out, being in a relationship where both parties are active duty military members can be difficult during the best of times. Anyways, after separating I began to feel this overwhelming sense of freedom and yet at the same time some sort of inner struggle to the likes that I've never had to deal with. Possibly due to the fact that anything other than straight is at the top of the taboo ladder when it comes to military life, even though, if you were to read some of the bathroom wall literature in the community bathrooms at deployed locations you would think that everyone was gay in the truest sense of the word. Another key bit of information is that our marriage has seemed to be slowly falling apart since my departure from military life. I just assumed it was the monetary issues with losing a significant portion of income but, we are not having any money issues at all, contrary to popular belief, the military is rather well payed compared to equivalent private sector jobs. Now, on to the part where I become really confused.

    I just returned home after a couple weeks of getting out of the house to try and sort through some things in my head. I road tripped cross-country from Arizona to New York where my family lives and spent a couple weeks at my parents home. During this time I spent almost every night at my cousin's apartment. He came out to the entire family several years ago and I found myself asking all these questions about his thought process and how he finally made the decision to do it. While asking these questions it still hadn't really hit home that I might be gay or bi until he asked why I was just now asking all these questions. You see, he actually came out to me when we were both still in high school and I never questioned it, I just figured it was what it was and left it that. He then started asking me questions, not bluntly though, that helped me to explore my inner consciousness and to realize that I might be attracted to men. On to the part that has me really confused.

    Over the past few weeks of self actualization, I've been watching different types of porn to see what is really working for me and I'm finding that I enjoy gay porn as much as straight porn. I still notice hot girls walking down the street but, I find that some guys are just as attractive. It's very confusing for me since it seems somehow I've managed to bury these attractions to the deepest darkest part of my brain and ignored them until now and they are all coming to the surface. I've opened the proverbial flood gates and there is no way these suckers are closing. Actually the most confusing part to me is that it doesn't seem weird at all, it seems like I'm finally starting to be me and everything is starting to make sense in my head for the first time ever. I feel such overwhelming relief with this new revelation, yet a burden to the likes I've never felt.

    Do I tell my wife and if so how do I go about it? My biggest fear is that it will tear my family apart and I will lose everything. I can't imagine not being a part of my daughters life. However, I don't think it's fair to me or my wife if I keep this buried and it ends up destroying our marriage anyhow. I should also point out that I've never cheated nor do I have any intention of cheating my wife.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    It sounds like you may in fact just be bisexual, and in such a way that you've found it possible and prudent to keep the gay portion suppressed over the past decade-plus. And now that you've got some time, and the onus is off to keep that section pushed down, it's coming back to the surface.

    What do you do? Well, I guess that depends what you want to do, or what you feel you need to do. You have several longterm options, depending on what you (and, eventually, your wife) will want.

    * You can keep this on the downlow, and stay married.
    * You can tell your wife, and remain married - either in an open or a closed relationship.
    * You can tell your wife, and break up.

    I'd say it's early sailing yet. You can keep working on deciding what interests you, and what path you might want to pursue. And if you decide to tell your wife, you can work on finding the best way to do that. There are other married and formerly married gay/bi people here who could probably give you better insight into that aspect than I could. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Tracy Lord

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    OK, so I was on active duty as well and I'm also married with a child I adore. So I get a bit of where you're coming from.

    The first thing I would suggest is therapy. It might take awhile before you find the right therapist, but I can't emphasize this enough. You need a place where you can go once a week and talk all this out. Obviously, the person needs to understand what you're dealing with. Maybe a local LGBT center will have some references for you.

    The next thing, and this is just my personal experience, so take it FWIW, but I would NOT tell your wife right away. You are not hiding anything from her, you just don't want to drop a bomb on her before you even know what it is you're dropping. Take some time to sort yourself out first before involving her. What I found is that it really isn't fair to make her deal with my confused mess.

    There's more, but try not to deal with too much all at once. You already have enough on your plate! lol Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to! (hug)
     
  4. feelindown

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    i'm a little confused here. all of a sudden after 30 years you suddenly have a thought for the first time that you may be attracted to the same sex? and this comes after talking to a cousin about this. although it's possible it would seem like you would have noticed these feelings prior, especially after being in the military so long and being in close quarters with other guys. surely, there was one hot military dude that you thought, "wow, i'd like to see what's under the hood...." all of that is really neither here or there at this point. but the reason why i am asking is that it also seems to coincide with major life changes for you.....departure from the military. trying to find your place and career in the private sector. reaching the 30s. trying to define yourself now and where you want to be. so quite possibly this is some phase or just a passing thing as you try and define your new place in life. however, if you know (which i know you do) if you have had these feelings throughout yourself and just pushed them away, then that's another story. dont end a successful marriage just because you experimented with some gay porn. however, if you are saying to yourself "i really dont want to be with a woman, i want a man damnit! and i can't live this lie anymore and be in this marriage..." then that's another story.

    i do not think you should tell your wife anyting right now. heck, you havent even figured this out so what are you going to tell her. "honey i think i'm gay but i dont know yet, and i dont know if we are going to be together, and im not goign to cheat so until i figure it out, let's keep pretending like nothing has changed and we can still have sex while i watch gay porn." yea that will go over really well.

    first off stop watching the porn. you know you like it and it's getting you off. you're only going to get addicted to it or want to take thigns furtrher in real life with another human. take this time to figure out what you want. ok, you know you can get aroused by the thoguht of men, but do you really want to throw yourself into a gay lifestyle. are you ready for that. are you ready to come out. are you ready to date dudes. are you ready to be a weekend dad? are you ready to get marriage to a guy. are you ready to have sex with a guy and do things that you may not be ready for?

    again, figure yourself out. ask yourself these questions. think back to see if this was a there all along or just something that just sprang up. seek counseling. sounds like it coudl help with all the other life changes. they can help you work through it.

    good luck.
     
  5. Mogget

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    It's not uncommon for deeply closeted people to repress themselves so much that they really don't recognize that they're attracted to members of the same sex. It can seem incredible to a lot of people, but it really does happen.

    I also disagree with feelindown that you need to stop watching porn. While it can become addictive, it isn't for everyone and as long as it's used in moderation it's much better than say, cheating on your wife.
     
  6. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    @ liam.....i agree with the deep repression. it can happen. no arguement there.
    as far as the watching porn....i guess that depends on what he wants to do. but in marriages (no matter if they are gay or straight or whatever) most partners would consider watching any porn (gay or straight) cheating. also if wifey finds out, it's going to hit the fan.
     
  7. KneeDragger

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    Similar situation here. Was married with kids and had to deal with coming out. I agree with the advice here. First go see a therapist. I did and it helped so much. It was especially helpful in getting me through telling my wife. I was able to keep peace between us as I came out.

    For you, it's probably too early to tell your wife. Get yourself figured out first. She will have lots of questions and fears. If you don't have yourself figured out, you won't have answers. If you don't have answers, she will be more insecure.

    You can get through this and keep peace too. It's just a matter of communicating well with your wife. Therapists can be key to keeping the communication open.
     
  8. feelindown

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    porn will likely start him down a path.

    porn first, then he clicks on some chat gay site, then he chats, then he talks on the phone (all secretive), then he meets someone, then he hangs out a few times, then somethign sexual is happening out of nowhere, then he is on here talking about how he feels bad that he cheated on his wife. so i suggest cut the porn off and deal with your innerself.
     
  9. s5m1

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    Hi and welcome to EC. This is a great place to help you work through things. I was also married for a long time and have three kids, so I understand where you are coming from. I was one of those guys who repressed it and said I could not be gay. I married, had kids and lived the straight life. Eventually, the marriage fell apart, I was depressed and finally accepted who I was.

    I would take things one step at a time. There is no rush to figure it all out all at once. Don’t worry about the labels right now. You already know you are attracted to guys. I would spend some time thinking about that attraction and comparing it to how you feel about women. When you see a hot couple, which person are you looking at? Allow yourself to think about these things without feeling bad or guilty. You are who you are and regardless of what you finally decide on, there is nothing wrong with being yourself.

    A good therapist is really important. It is very helpful to have someone you can talk to completely openly and who is looking out for nothing but your best interests. In addition to a therapist, posting here on EC was immensely helpful for me. I was finally able to communicate with people just like me, who could understand what I was going through.

    As others have said, figure things out for yourself before speaking with your wife. I don’t think there is anything deceptive with taking that approach. You will be in a better position to know what you want.

    Finally, please don’t worry about your daughter. She will be fine, and you can have a great relationship with her, regardless of what you conclude about your sexual orientation. My kids are with me half the time. They know I am gay, love my partner and are doing great.

    I know you are going through a lot right now. I can imagine all that you are thinking about and worrying over. Hang in there. It will all work out. There may be some changes in your life but there is no reason that you can’t live a happy, fulfilling life, regardless of whether you conclude you are straight, gay or bisexual.
     
  10. FJ Cruiser

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    Are you attracted to and love your wife? Perhaps it's not as simple as it seems, but if yes, I don't see what your newly discovered attraction to men has to do with it. You committed to a monogamous relationship, and though we can't know everything from your post, it seems to me like you might be starting on a slippery slope toward divorce just because you want to explore your bisexuality.

    If no to the above question, I don't know what to tell you.
     
    #10 FJ Cruiser, Jul 27, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2011
  11. Omla

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    Enjoyed your response.
    Alan
     
  12. NWMatt

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    Wow, Alan. Way to resurrect a post. Glad you did. I am 56 and knee deep in the same struggles. Married at 28 cuz that was what I was supposed to do. 3 grown children. Repressed interest in guys since high school. Small town. Catholic. I broke the ice with my wife first some four or five years ago. Didn't have anyone else to talk to. We are still together, and we continue to struggle with our intimacy. I have only one foot in the marriage cuz I just have not worked out (as is suggested here) where I want to be relationship wise. I still believe I am bi as good looking people of any gender appeal to me. Tis a curse to be bi. Most of all I want to surrender to who I am, and I so want to love that unique person, but in our culture being bi can be a real curse. It is like the person behind the counter telling limiting you to vanilla or chocolate ice cream. They cannot be mixed and you can only have one. CURSES!

    Thanks for posting Jer1080. Always good to hear I am not completely alone.
     
  13. Ifeelgreeaat

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    Are your fantasies mostly homosexual? If yes, spare your wife and yourself the years of resentment.
     
  14. Lovetoski

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    I've no answer except to quote a girl i work with... "If I got bored with my man, I may look elsewhere, but I wouldn't go hop on the nearest chick". If you are questioning your sexuality there is a reason. I agree with counseling. Ending a marriage is nothing to be done spontaneously or without serious consideration.
     
  15. Omla

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    As bill Clinton said.. I feel your pain
    Recently I feel somewhat helped by the idea of "existential psychology"
    Which involves an acceptance of the world as a flawed place... Not without joy though.

    Let's start by saying that bisexuality or even confusion about ones sex identity
    Is a human prob.
    There is even a nobility about it.

    I say don't allow the world to make you feel
    Wierd about these problems.

    I am also 56 and in a similar situation, but I have found
    That removing guilt as an issue can facilitate clarity.

    I haven't really had a full on gay experience though I have frequented a gay bath.

    I am pretty scared to but I may try a "nuru gay massage"
    Where I can explore at my own pace with safety
    As safety is a big obstacle in my exploration since I am also married.
    Al