Are there forums for married, but gay, men?

Hi and welcome to ec.

Well i dont know of any forums that you are looking for,but i know that we have a number of members on here who have been in your situation,so im quite sure that you could get some good advice if you stick around here with us for a while.

 

Hello there, and welcome! This might be a good place for you - although Empty Closets was originally aimed at teenagers going through the process, it's since grown to help people of all ages going through the difficult journey of coming out.

As the poster above me said, there are quite a few people people on this board who have been in the exact same situation as you. In fact, one of our advisors, Jim1454, came out in his 30s while married. Definitely suggest you hit him up for advice. Welcome again, and good luck!

 

Struggling with similar issues - I'll leave the more substantive advice to the experts here - Jim has been very helpful on these topics.

If you are up for it, I highly recommend you read Dr. Loren Olson's book - Finally Out - Letting go of lliving straight. His book deals with the complexity of sexuality in general, but more specifically, the challenges of coming out later in life/in a married relationship. My journey is a work in progress, but I must say it began in earnest after stumbling on this book.

 

Dear SP,
You have come to the right place. I'm 57 althought I have a hard time admiting that since I just came out in the last six months to my wife, family and friends. It has been a difficult time but is getting better with each day. It's a very scarry thing thinking about coming out when your married. I also didn't have kids. I actually came out today to a long time friend that I have known since I was about eight years old and also my cousin. Both had very kind thoughts and were very supportive. I've been amazed at how supportive people have been. Please get rid of those thoughts of being alone. You won't be! You will find out who your friends are. You will still have lots of friends.

 

SP:
I'm an older guy that just joined here, too. I'm 54 and came out to a very close friend and to my therapist within the last month. I have kids. Although my wife is one of my best friends, the sexual attraction just isn't there. She has no idea that I'm gay and I KNOW she would not deal with the "news" well. I'm struggling with the same issues.
Stilllovelyafte and Jim: Thanks for the replies to SP. I'm following up on the same resources.
TM

 

Welcome- while I can't relate to the wife situation, I can tell you that there are a number of guys on here who didn't come out until 30+. Heck it took me 38 years to accept and love myself. Many of those guys have great stories and are very helpful.
As I was explaining to someone this weekend - it hasn't been easy but if I had known the inner peace I would gain by accepting myself - I would have done it much sooner!!
Best of luck!

 

Hi SP,

I just want to say that I also just started to read "Finally Out" last week and so far I am very pleased with it and think it might be helpful for you also. I have read a lot of books about homosexuality in the last six months. They have helped me in understanding myself and allowed me to be very comfortable with who I am now. Also, I'm glad you are here, EC has been a life saver for me. I think that you will find, as I have, that you will get all the support that you want. It is also a very good thing that you are working with a professional counselor.

You are right that there is never a good time to come out. You just have to decided that your going to do it and then move forward. I also have a wife that is my best friend. She is one of the most wonderful people that I have ever known. There are going to be a lot of questions that your wife will ask you. I was prepared to answer them, you should be also. Be sure to tell her that you never intended on deceiving her, that you loved her when you married her (I'm assuming you did) and that you still love her now......but.

My wife and I are still together just trying to figure out life and how it will all work for each of us. I can't tell you where I/we will be six months or a year from now. We have a very complicated financial situation which makes it even more difficult. But, I can say that I feel better now than I have for many many years. Of course your situation is different but there are similarities. Please feel free to ask all the questions that come to mind. I can tell you what my experiences have been, which may be helpful. I will guarantee you that you will have very difficult times and very good times. It is an emotional roller coaster ride, but you will not be alone!

Also, you might want to post to Support and Advice instead of Coming out stories.

Till later.

Also, please don't be ashamed, you have no reason to be. We were all born this way!

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to get to this thread. I've been busy at work this week, and haven't been able to spend much time in EC.

The things that you're worried about - being alone, being accepted, how family and friends will react - are things that we have all worried about as we contemplated coming out. It's entirely normal, and we've all been there. But we've found that most of those fears were unfounded. Things don't turn out as bad as we think they might.

I was married for 9 years and had 2 children with my wife before I finally came to realize that I was gay - and that it was my orientation (and the fact that it didn't align to the life I was living) that was driving a lot of my depression, and a significant contributor to my addiction. I was a mess when I finally had to admit and acknowledge (at first to myself, and eventually to other people) that I was gay.

I worried that I'd be alone - but that wasn't my primary concern. I assumed all along that if I was in this position, there must be other people in the same position. And sure enough, there were. In fact, less than a year after I came out I met another gay married dad who would eventually become my boyfriend, fiance, and husband (as of this past August). Happy endings are possible!

In fact, many people I meet have come from a similar situation, or their partner has. So I wouldn't worry about not being accepted in the gay community because you have been married, or because you're coming out at 30. It isn't an issue. Once you're out, I'm not sure anyone cares how long you've been out. Only that you're out now.

I worried about how other people would react. I told my wife - because I had to given my specific circumstances. She was devastated - more because I hadn't been faithful than due to my orientation. She has always been very accepting of gays - and still is. I also came out to my doctor and therapist when I started to see him. (I'm not sure that I really 'came out' to any of them. I was having sex with other men - but I'm not sure at what point I really accepted even for myself that I was gay.) But it took me several months to tell my parents and my sister, as well as my best friends. I waited another year and a half before I told my kids. Only then did I come out at work as well. You don't need to tell everyone, and you don't need to tell everyone at the same time. In the end, EVERYONE responded in a positive and supportive way. (Well - my wife was devastated at first - but soon accepted the situation as her new reality, and worked hard to make the best of it.)

This issue can consume every waking thought, and a tremendous amount of our energy. But in reality, being gay has very little impact on most of our life. I'm still an accountant. I still work for the phone company. I still like cars and music and television dramas. I still have parents, a sister, 2 kids and a dog. Much of my life has remained unchanged since I came out. Although, what I will say, is that I feel better about the rest of my life now that this one part of my life is out in the open and no longer a burden or huge secret.

And then there are parts that have changed tremendously. I'm in recovery from my addiction. I'm living an honest and authentic life. I have a life partner (my husband) who I love more than I've ever loved anyone before - and who loves me back in a way that feels good to me. He and I love going out dancing or for dinner and drinks in the 'gay village' here in Toronto. But we also love staying home to watch TV. We have gay friends but we also still have our straight friends. My ex wife is one of my best friends and biggest supporters. Our kids all get along really well together, so I love our weekends together as a family. We'll often go to my parents' cottage up north and spend time with them - as well as with my extended family who also have cottages in the same area.

With respect to coming out - it doesn't have to be right away. It doesn't have to be when your wife and sister are physically together. It should be at a point where you feel good about yourself and you're comfortable with your own orientation. Working with your therapist I'm sure you'll develop a message for your wife that is sensitive and supportive. This is going to be a shock to her (perhaps), and regardless, it's going to be a big disruption to her life. Remember that from her perspective, there isn't really any 'up side' to this announcement. For you, you get to let go of this huge burden that you've been carrying around. You have the prospect of starting a 'new' life as a gay man, with the hope of meeting someone some day and finding out what it really means to fall in love and be physically and emotionally attracted to someone. Your wife, on the other hand, thinks she already has that in you. So you need to be sensitive to that and know that she's going to feel a certain amount of hopelessness and frustration while you will have a bit of hope and anticipation (along with hopelessness, frustration, fear, etc.).

Dealing with this now, or at least sooner rather than later, is for the best. Introducing children into the equation makes it more complicated for sure. That added responsibility will make it even more difficult to end the relationship.

In Toronto there is actually a support group called 'Gay Fathers of Toronto' - specifically for that demographic. I don't think the situation is that unique, so there may be groups similar to this in your area. And whether you're a father or not, I'm sure you'd be welcome.

I responded here rather than to your PM. This way others get the benefit of reading what I have to say (because there's likely someone 'lurking' who is in a similar situation but hasn't joined or posted their situation). But that doesn't mean that you cant send another private message if you'd like to exchange anything one on one. I'm happy to do that as well.

Again - welcome, and good luck with everything. You've come to the right place, and we're all here to help.

 

SP,

I am 32, married with 2 kids and just came out to my wife and immediate family and friends over the past two months. Search my previous posts to read details. Also, feel free to contact me directly via PM or on my wall if you have questions. Would be more than happy to help with advice.

You'd probably be surprised at what I have to say in terms of acceptance by family and friends, etc.

It certainly is not easy, but it is one of the first steps to complete happiness.

 

Congratulations for coming out to her. I know exactly what you are going through right now. The next couple of days will be very difficult. It's going to take weeks before things will settle down. You just need to give her time to process all of this. She needs someone to talk to now, friends, family, counselor. She should probably get professional help.

You married her for the same reason that all of us gay maried men do it......because it is what we were told was the only acceptable thing to do. Don't beat yourself up for it. Hang in there. Be strong. Now you don't have to lie about who you are anymore. Your are on the road to recovery. Learn to love yourself!