Married guy committed to staying with wife

I think maybe you need to explore sex outside of the marriage. Both of you. Live together, sleep in the same bed at night, continue normally, and perhaps just... have someone on the side. I know that sounds hard and unthinkable at first, but it might save your sanity....

 

My wife and I went through this a couple of years ago, but she didn't put any kind of demand on me as far as staying around. I went to a therapist to discuss the situation. The therapist agreed with me that I needed to divorce in order to complete my life. I wasn't doing her any favors by staying around. We were both very unhappy. Even though we aren't together any longer, we are actually happier and closer now than we were.

I suggest you two speak to a therapist about this. Maybe you can work some sort of agreement out in order to stay together. Maybe not. Either way, the therapist will help you both through this. You each need to agree on what the ground rules will be. Continuing on as you have been is only going to make you more unhappy and that will cause her to be unhappy as well.

 

Well, in a plain brown wrapper, here are your options.

1. Stay with your wife and remain monogamous with her.
2. Stay with your wife, and let her know you'll be seeing guys on the side.
3. Stay with your wife, and don't let her know you'll be seeing guys on the side...while seeing guys on the side.
4. Leave your wife.

Right now, you're sticking with 1. And although you say you're happy, you also say you're going to need to have sex with a guy.

You've decided you can't abide leaving her, and that she couldn't handle you getting divorced. That eliminates 4.

You say you've discussed seeing guys on the side, but she says she couldn't bear that. That eliminates 2.

That leaves 3.

Lex

 

It might seem selfish, but it obvious to me that you have no choice but to divorce her. It doesn't mean that you have to cut ties, just give yourself a chance to explore romance with a man. You can still spend quality time with her and your children, but the current situation isn't fair to you. You need the opportunity to have the life that wasn't allotted to you in your younger days. If you don't grasp life, you won't have one. Sincerely,

Selfish Carl

 

I was in a similar situation. I came out to my wife fIve years ago. We've been tOgether 17 years. We tried the whole "make it work" thing but I felt many of the similar things you seem to feel. Ultimately we dEcided to get a divorce - on very friendly terms. We're still good friends and available for support and companionship. But we're both entitled I think to have a mutually loving (emotional and physical) relationship with someone who is of the same orientation. It hurts. It's hard. But in the long run we decided a divorce was really the right thighs for us both.

 

You're fooling yourself.







Just a friendly warning.

 

Lex is so good at giving advice .

 

I think you doing each other a disservice. You want to be with men. She deserves passion and lust ( as do you) and get you can't fundamentally give each other what the other needs. Will it be painful - sure, but in the end you should both be able to live the lives you need and deserve.
As to the separation issues - I am sorry but she is using past events to hold a gun to your head. Is it sad that her Dad died when she was young, yes so did mine ( and my mom) but you have to deal and move on with life.
Best of luck

 

i have no experience on this but i would say her self esteem is really down internally anyway if she tells you to think of a man to complete the act. its clear you both love each other but it would be a different story if you had faint sexual attractions to men. it seems stronger than that.

there are two schools of thought on this when it comes to marriage. some say, you took a vow, and that you should stick together no matter what and even if you were straight you would have attractions to other women but it wouldn't mean you should go out and have sex with them or leave your wife for someone else you may have become attracted to. for many people in this school of thought, there is no such thing as divorce unless its under some pretty extreme circumstances.

the other school of thought says, that you married her and weren't truly honest with yourself of your real interests. now those interests have awaken and you would be doing yoruself and your wife a disservice to stay in teh marriage as it is because both parties aren't truly getting fulfilled, this school would advocate for you to separate before you cheat and release each other to live your own lives now as you may have wanted to live them.

the other school of thoughts would suggest cousnelling: is this something you both can work through? this school recommends not burying the issues as tho it is not real, but face it head on with counseling so you can work through it. unfortunately or fortunately, you will not stop liking guys. so there's not really anything you can do about this.

from what i have read on here. some marriages stick it out and either stop having sex or the sex is rekindled and still works. other marriages divorce. some people have an "open marriage" where they stay together for appearances and each party is allowed to have anotehr relationship outside the marriage. i say the best thing to do is really figure out what you want and what your wife wants and try to find a solution that works for your situation.

 

I left you a post on your wall. I am in a similar situation but because of a death in the family, I can't write in detail. I'm gay, married to my best friend, and plan to stay married. The sex issues are being worked out with the help of a counselor. More to come. Hang in there.
Tracker

 

What about things other then sex??.. Could you find a way to met your sexual needs sure but what about your other needs?
I get that both love each other as friends/ former spouses etc but you are denying yourself the chance to be 100 percent yourself with a partner that understand/ accepts and can Embrace the true you.
Is it possible that you like to current set up becuase it doesn't change things for the general publics eyes?

 

I think Chip's advice is spot on. I think you both need to see therapists. Even though right now both of you seem to be happy with your lives together, there seems to be the elephant in the room, that you are gay. The fact that your wife wants you to fantasize about men when you both have sex is not healthy for either one of you. When you have sex you should be just thinking of each other.

I hate to say it but I think in the long run you both would be happier if you were separated. It won't be an easy process but its something that I think you two need to consider.