The past few months have been a very troubling time for me as well as my wife. Let me give you a little background about me, in awe you dont remember. I am 29 and have been with my wife since I was 16 and she was 17. We had been friends since middle school. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse by a male cousin. Needless to say, that has caused so many issues in my life and I am just coming to terms with it now. Anyways, I have basically come to the conclusion that I am either bi and prefer men or gay. My wife knows this struggle and is being as supportive as possible. I don't know how I can bring myself to destroy our family (we have a 2 year old) and our friendship. She is my best friend and I feel like this is going to destroy her....I also feel like if I don't do something about it, it's going to destroy me too.... Any advice? I am desperate for it...
My experience is limited so I don't think I can offer any sound advice other than therapy for the both of you together, even then I sound contrived. So, instead, I'll help you bump this thread... I'm sure someone better equipped will be able to give you some advice.
Hi. First, welcome to EC. Second, you're in the right place. The process of coming out, particularly when married, is always complicated. Having the sexual abuse history on top of it can further complicate it because of the confusion it creates with your feelings about yourself, about your relationship to women and men, and the effect it has on your ability to be emotionally and physically intimate. But the very positive thing for you is that your wife already knows that you are bisexual (at the minimum) and about your abuse history. That's a huge plus, because it means there's some good, open communication there. It's important to realize that in making the decision to live authentically, by acknowledging who you truly are, you aren't so much destroying your family as you are realigning it in a way that is ultimately healthiest for everyone. If you do nothing, your child will grow up with a skewed view of what a loving relationship is, because... no matter how carefully you try to cover it up, it will be pretty obvious that you and your wife aren't really in love. And you will be cheating yourself and your wife of the opportunity to be in a truly loving and full relationship, emotionally and intimately and spiritually. I suspect that your wife probably already suspects or knows what the handwriting on the wall says. And it seems clear you do. So the next step is simply to communicate about it. The important thing is to realize that you can remain friends and still have all of the pieces of the relationship that each of you enjoy in terms of companionship and friendship. And your child will grow up knowing that s/he has two loving parents, and, likely two loving families. If it's possible for one or both of you to see a therapist, that would certainly be helpful. But it also sounds like given the communication that's happening already, you could probably make this work without a therapist's help. I also suggest for anyone who is coming out later in life, but particularly anyone heterosexually married, getting a copy of Joe Kort's amazing book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which is incredibly poorly named... it has little to do with ten things you can do to find love, and everything to do with understanding and loving yourself... and, in particular, about understanding the complex elements involved with being in a heterosexual marriage and untangling the emotions and practical aspects of that. Perhaps the first step, though, is to sit down and formulate your thoughts, and then have a conversation with your wife. There are quite a few people here that have been in your situation, and I'm sure you can get some help in figuring out what to say and how to say it if that would be helpful. And in any case, I hope you'll stick around and share your experiences.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I've been where you are, and I know how scary it can be. As Chip has suggested, getting counselling is probably the best thing you can do. It helped my ex wife and I tremendously. We were able to remain friends through that very difficult time, and remain friends today. It didn't destroy her. It upset her, and it certainly changed her way of life for a while, but in the end we're both better off for having separated. And has Chip suggested, your kids are better off with two parents who are able to love them because they are happy and health than they would be with two parents who are unhappy. My ex wife and I have BOTH remarried, so my two little girls have 1 mom and 3 dads (although I'm the only one they're allowed to call dad!) - me, my husband, and her husband. They have 4 loving parents, and they know that we're there for them. Sure it's more complicated with shared custody and working out the holiday schedule, but we're making it work. So while the future might look bleak now, it doesn't have to be. I've never been happier, now that I'm living an honest and authentic life. And there are several of us here who have been through the same situation you're going through and we've come out the other side a better person.
