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Married, Gay and Lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tom100, Jun 20, 2012.

  1. tom100

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    Here's my story - so far.

    I am 52, married and gay. I pretty much thought I had things under control, but have found myself getting increasingly dissatisfied with life over the last few years. For the most part, my life up to now has been good. Have been busy with my career and family life and all that entails.

    Now, however, the kids are adults and living their own lives and I no longer pursue a demanding career. Passing 50 also rams it home that life is short and getting shorter. So I guess these things have combined to allow the doubts, regrets and frustrations to work their way back up to the surface.

    The real tipping point for me though was when a young man unexpectedly walked into my life last year. I knew as soon as I saw him that this - or he - was something special. We needed someone to help with jobs in and around the house and he applied. He is the most amazing, lovely, beautiful and sexy person I have ever met. We are just friends though.

    Looking back at my life, I had a pretty nice childhood to begin with, the problems though began in my teens. My German mother was a very domineering character and wanted the whole family to play by her rules. Any deviation was not acceptable. I struggled with this for many years, even moving the the other side of the country after graduation, to try and establish my own life. I had already learnt by then though to keep my emotions well under control and well hidden, but was not fully aware of it at the time. I knew I was gay, but didn't like it.

    Years later (I was about 30 by now), I had finally come to accept who and how I was and came out to a close friend. Then my parents found out. I was persuaded to see a psychiatrist and that, plus this friend, convinced me that all this was just a reaction to my domineering mother. I did not trust women - was afraid of them even, and the gay side of my character was just a reaction to that. Get out and meet people they said. So I did and that's when I met my future wife.

    It was a lot of fun then. I'd had no real experience of relationships - was still very closed emotionally and had found this woman who seemed to understand all about this stuff. We even discussed my homosexuality at that time (though never since). So off I went down the married and family route. (My wife already had two boys from a previous marriage - we never did mange to conceive any of our own. Hint there maybe?) It was tough but exciting. I went from a long established (closeted) bachelor life into a family man with two sons in one giant step.

    And here I am now, with this angel of a man looking at me. I don't know if he's gay - although he has some of the traits; bit camp sometimes and talks with his hands. But he does seem to like spending time with me. In a group he will come and stand next to me; in a group he will come and sit next to me. Sometimes he looks at me for a moment, then looks at the ground and pauses - I'm sure he is thinking something, but what? He is 22. This is nuts - get a grip. Why would a 22 year old be interested in an old fart like me? I can convince myself sometimes this is just another bit of mental crap going on in my head, the imaginings of a crazy guy; and then he comes round for a chat and my heart just melts all over again. This has to be one of God's cruel jokes. Bringing someone like this into my life now - now for Christ sake. Why did it not happen in my 20's? It's not fair.

    I just don't know how to cope with this. The thought of the shame (as Chip has discussed elsewhere) and the hurt that would result if I came out about this is too much to bare. However, as I said at the beginning, I have been slowly moving towards trying to do something about my dissatisfaction with life - and then this; it is impossible to ignore my feelings whenever I see this guy. I just want to hug him - hard.

    I feel pretty lost right now.

    Tom
     
  2. maxx

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    Tom - thanks for posting your story. It's great that you and your wife have discussed your homosexuality - even if it was long ago. That at least opens the door for more easily having the conversation again now, if you choose to do so.

    As you say, even those of us in middle age still have many years ahead of us, and life is too short to not be happy.

    Personally, I think being gay is a natural, biologically innate trait - we just need to recognize who we are and embrace it in order to be true to ourselves - to be our authentic selves.

    How do you feel about your marriage now? Do you have a good relationship with your wife? Are you both happy? How do you think she'd react to your coming out (again)?

    Also, you identify your orientation as bisexual. Are you still attracted to women as well? Even though I am married, I've realized that my orientation is actually gay rather than bisexual. I have no sexual attraction to women. It has nothing to do with my wife - I'm just exclusively attracted to men now.

    I understand your feeling of being lost - you are not alone, and there is lots of good support and advice here on the forum and elsewhere to help you through this. Some of the books in the 'Coming Out While Married' threads may be of help ('Finally Out', etc.)

    Being gay is not 'your fault' - cut yourself some slack and give some consideration to your own feelings. Being able to love someone should never be seen as a problem - it is a gift.

    Best,
    Maxx
     
    #2 maxx, Jun 20, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2012
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    So mull this over. What do you want? Do you want to hook up with this guy? Once or repeatedly? Would you tell your wife, before or after? Do you think it's a good idea to hook up with a guy in your employ? If not this guy, would you want to hook up with other guys?

    Lex
     
  4. Koolladgirl

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    first we need to know - whats going to happen to your wife?
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Since, based on what you have said, you have never cheated on your wife, I would recommend not doing so. It will make things a lot harder if you have to tell your wife you cheated on her--that will hurt her a lot more.

    One thing you should know about shame--you feel like telling anyone would be the worst thing to ever happen. But the truth is, talking about it with people who are accepting is the thing that will relieve your shame. Not telling anyone makes it worse.

    Regarding the 22-year-old--can I assume you have never known any out gay men very well before? That he's been around more than any gay guy before? If so, it's likely that you are focusing so much on him because he's really the first real possibility to come into your life. Also, he brought your attention back to your sexuality, and made it impossible for you to ignore.

    Have you considered talking to a counselor? This time, make sure to find one that will help you to accept your sexuality instead of trying to change it. Credible mental health professionals no longer try to get you to change your sexuality--it has proven to be harmful to people. If you go to people who's practice is based on science and not religion, you should be fine.

    How do you think your wife would respond if you talked to her about this? You could discuss the 22-year-old with her--not so much that you are attracted to him, but that he is young and out, and what that makes you think about your own life. She knew you liked men, so it will not be a total shock to her. Especially since you don't mention having a very active sex life with her.

    It is very good, and will make things much easier, that you discussed your sexuality with her in the beginning and that you haven't ever cheated on her. You are much more likely to remain friends because of that.
     
  6. 55

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    Welcome to EC, Tom. I can fully emphathize with your story. Mine is a variation - married for 35 years until coming out last fall and divorcing in February. It seems like every week or so someone in the 50's and married joins EC. It's an amazing place - especially since we never had anything remotely like this in our youth. Oh what could have been!

    I'm thinking about starting a blog for we older guys to interact and support eachother. If I do, I'll start a thread about it. Unfortunately you'll have to get full membership before joining in, but it's not too hard to do.

    I look forward to reading you in posts and threads here.

    My advice is not to get involved with anyone else until you've sorted things out with a counselor and then your wife. And I would strongly advise against getting involved with someone who was a teenager three years ago!

    55
     
  7. maxx

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    Tom - we are thinking of you. Chip just made the comment in another thread that if the roles were reversed [, and your wife was a lesbian], wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you feel you had a right to know?" That's certainly got me thinking about my own situation.
     
  8. tom100

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    Thanks for all the replies - and sorry for not responding; can't seem to find a minute when I can concentrate on this and the computer is available..... so this is just a quickie.

    Three years ago he was a teenager - boy that hit home! I need to get a proper perspective on this. There's so much running round my head, it's hard to get a clear view on anything.


    .. and Maxx, good to hear from you. I'll try and get back on soon.

    Tom
     
  9. tom100

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    I have a feeling this is gathering some momentum all its own - apart from anything else, I find myself thinking about this all the time, which inevitable means I'm not thinking about other things properly - and my wife - like many women I think - has a 6th sense for these things. I have no doubt she will be asking soon; 'What's the matter?' We'll see ....

    I find at the moment I am oscillating between a desire to get back to 'normal', be my old self again and a clear view of how my married life has been very much a pretend existence. We've had some great times though and are good friends too, bloody awful times mind you like most marriages I guess.

    But to pick up on the pretend aspect; I know i have developed a good system for hiding a lot of my emotions. Actually, I always have. For most of my early adult life, I kept my real feelings closed down tight and looking back can see that was why I never had any close encounters with anybody, girl or boy. Stems also from a deeply held lack of self worth, which troubles me to this day. Self confidence is fine, but self worth is a real problem. I know it comes from issues with my mother, but it is still hard to control it. I have a gut feeling that this issue combined with the struggle of being gay has meant that so far I have not really loved anybody in the 'truly, madly, deeply' sense. Sad bastard.

    So I am well versed at putting on a good face and hiding what I Really feel. It does mean of course that I am 'on guard' the whole time. Another consequence of this, is a fear of getting drunk. Bit of a bummer really! Far too much risk though that I might say or do something inappropriate for a straight relationship.

    I haven't seen anybody mention this elsewhere, but smell plays a big part for me. I've known from the very beginning that I find the smell or scent of a man very appealing (even from myself sometimes; is that sick?) but the smells and scents of a woman are not, in fact can be a down right turn-off. To me, that is a clear indication of being biologically gay. Yet I still chose to ignore it.

    Although I hate the idea of being unfaithful, surely it's nuts to risk destroying my marriage and life for us both without really knowing what it feels like to be with a man? Instinctively it seems right and I can fantasize about it, but I've seen enough in life to know that the reality is rarely the same has the imagination.

    So where I am now? Still not sure. My, or our, situation is complicated by big problems externally - both business related and financial. I haven't mentioned it before, but we are not native Slovenes, so living here has its own pressures and complications, plus we run our main business here together which is also demanding and puts pressure on the relationship. (Also means we spend practically all our time together - so can't get on to EC that often!) Adding further pressure and complication by coming out now just seems too big a step for me. And yet, life is ticking by......


    Tom
     
  10. maxx

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    Tom - I see so much of myself and my own situation in your post. Comments below.

    My wife is the same way. I've had a number of nights when I couldn't sleep and she's been asking me what's wrong. She knows that something is going on in my head.

    This describes me to a T. I'm pretty self-confident, but I've never thought that *I* had a right to my own happiness. I've always been focused on making other people happy. I've starting to realize that my own happiness has value too - and as you say, time is ticking.

    I know what you mean... I love the scent as well - and of course smell is one of the most powerful of senses. As for being turned on by your own scent, that's great! (Olfactory Masturbation? :slight_smile:)

    This was a big one for me. I'm not the type to cheat on my wife - but I felt I HAD to know if my gay feelings translated into enjoying actually being with a man. I did some limited experimentation (anonymous encounters) - which I enjoyed and validated that I like being with men, and allowed me to fully accept I'm gay. Once I made that realization, I didn't want to explore that further. I'm not making a recommendation either way - each of us is different, but for me, experimentation was a critical part of me coming to terms with this.

    Given the quality of your English, I kinda figured you might not be a native Slovene :slight_smile: (no offense to the Slovenian educational system).

    I really feel for you Tom, you are going through so many of the things I'm going through. It's a tough situation, and there is never a good time for 'dealing' with it. It is so easy to let the status quo remain, yet now that I've accepted I'm gay, I feel almost like I'm being reborn - that the process is started and I have to see it through. This forum has been a blessing for me, as is the time with my therapist. Talking to others has been so helpful as I figure this out.

    We are here for you and will support you through this. There's a great group of people here who all care about one another and people working through these situations - arguably some of the most difficult inner struggles there are.

    (*hug*)

    Maxx
     
  11. KneeDragger

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    That's exactly how I felt when I first came here. I felt like I was pushing myself out of the closet. 9 months later, I was out to about everyone and starting to look forward to my new life.

    Your problems and challenges seem huge right now. You've got to start breaking them down into manageable pieces. Figure out if you want to come out. Once you have that decided (assuming you do), then figure out who to tell first. I told a trusted friend so that I'd have someone to talk to as I went through the process. That should be enough to keep you busy for a little while. Just focus on if you want to come out and where you want to start.
     
  12. tom100

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    I first feel I need to apologise; I haven't been on EC for some time, combination of lack of opportunity and, if I'm honest, a bit of the 'if I ignore it maybe it will go away' syndrome. Hence the lack of response.

    I know I haven't replied to some of the first responders too, so apologies for that also. Not intentional....but let's fix that bit now.

    Lex: All good questions... and no good answers right now.

    Koolladgirl: Another good question. But surely the answer is not just up to me? She will also have some tough thinking to do. I can't see the outcome being very positive though.

    55: Hi 55 - good to hear from you & I look forward to that 'oldies' blog!
    Actually, he's not out. At least not as far as I know. And yes I know logically this is all crazy and I don't want to mess up his life either - has far too nice a guy for that. I have a hunch that he is unsure himself and possibly struggling with his own sexuality right now. This is very much a Catholic community and homosexuality is not a good word here. There isn't much if any of a gay scene either, even in the capital city, so it can't be easy for the young guys. There's no doubt though that I have some strong feelings for him and if nothing else I would like to be able to help him if he needs it. All sorts of conversations run through my head, but then when confronted with the real opportunity, nothing happens. I always have been a coward when it comes to talking on a personal level.

    You can never be sure how someone will react, but I suspect it will be pretty volcanic! Yes, she new about it in the early days, but it doesn't really help when I'm considering destroying the life we built together and our marriage that's been through a hell of of a lot. (Not sure about mentioning the 22 year old - maybe I should give him a name - as I don't want him to get into the firing line....)

    This is my hardest issue of course....and it's really getting me down. Whilst awake the other night, the thought came into my head that it's like I have opened Pandora's Box (funnily enough I came across the same thought on another thread - think it might have been Chip but can't remember) - and I can see now that there is no way to close it again. So it's pretty scary right now and I feel pretty directionless.

    Maxx: thanks for your replies - good to read as always. How's things with you? The councilor helping any?
    I liked that - made me laugh!

    Like others here I must also say how cathartic it is to be able to discuss stuff here on EC with you all. It is an amazing place. So big thanks. When you are really feeling down though - you can't get a hug from a computer! :tears:

    Best,
    Tom
     
  13. Chrissouth53

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    When people have affairs, it is usually said that the grass looked greener on the other side. it usually isn't. Right now your "friend" looks like an attractive alternative, or at least an attractive outlet for your same sex needs. But as others said, you need to straighten this out in your own mind first before getting someone else (ho may not even be interested i you sexually or otherwise) involved.
     
  14. Electra

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    Tom

    Wow! I am in a similar place to you - tackling coming out later in life. But unlike you I do not have a wife and family, and I can only start to imagine how much more complex this makes an already difficult situation. So well done my friend. It is hard, but the Pandora's Box is open and all you can do is keep moving forward with 'baby steps' as and when it feels right to you.

    The bottom line has to be that some people (like us) are innately gay and however much we deny and avoid, however long we have side-stepped it with a myriad of reasons and excuses, that is basically that. In the end we will only find a resolution by being 100% honest with ourselves and those we truly love (your wife?).

    This is hard - really hard - as I have found out myself since coming out 1 year ago at the age of 48. But i have to believe (we have to believe) - it will be for the best in the end.

    Keep being honest, keep moving forward and most of all love yourself - you are an amazing and unique person - who just happens to be gay. Don' beat yourself up
     
  15. 55

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    Tom,

    It's nice to get an update from you. It's amazing how many of our situations are alike and yet stikingly different! It would be great if life had a reset button!

    It sounds like you're still asking yourself the tough questions, and that's good. At some point the tough answers will become clear. It'll be tough if you stay closeted and tough if you don't.

    I know this reply doesn't contain a lot of advice. I just wanted you say what you already know - you have a lot of support here. Stay strong and stay on the journey!

    Here's the best hug I can give you. (*hug*)

    55
     
  16. tom100

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    It's done.

    To my eternal shame though, it was my wife who pushed the conversation to the point where I just could not avoid opening up. Here '6th sense' has always been acute...

    But oh the pain. So much pain.

    And so many questions that I feel incapable of answering adequately.

    Right now it all seems to be - distrust, the lies, how could you? Did you feel like this when we got married? If you felt physically attracted to me then, then why did it go away? How do you know you're gay?

    Dark days - how can I survive this?
     
  17. Bobbgooduk

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    Hi Tom!

    I've been married twice but have always known I was gay. I didn't decide to come out until I was 40.

    You have done the hardest part if you have been honest with your wife. I found that bit hard too and we tried hard to stay friends - unsuccessfully, but she has since remarried and had children.

    I shold say that my second wife was 9 years younger than me and was pressing to have children. It pushed me into making a decision. I knew I would never leave my children, so I had to think whether I wanted to have children and be with her for the next 20-odd years, or didn't I?

    I decided that I didn't.

    It was hard to tell her and she was hurt, but it was the dest decision for both of us.

    Admitting to her you are gay does not invalidate the life you have had together so far, nor does it mean that you didn't love her or care for her. It is perfectly possible for a gay man to love a woman deeply and dearly.

    I wish you luck with the next few days - be kind to her, but be kind to yourself too.

    None of us can help the way we are.
     
  18. 55

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    Tom! First of all, congratulations on taking this monumental step! I know you don't feel like being congratulated right now because of how much pain you're in - and how much empathy you're having for your wife's pain!

    Your story is my story, Tom. My wife forced me to say the words too. If you haven't already, please read some of my threads and posts about my journey. They may help in getting though this and give you a glimpse of what's down the road.

    I can't encourage you strongly enough to get counseling - both as a couple, and each individually. I hope you have one in your area that specializes in LGBT counseling. If not, try to get recommendations from a local LGBT organization.

    I know that right now, it's little consolation that you have a family here to help you through this. We're electronic and remote. In time your pain, and hers, will subside. Please don't talk to her too much about your pain right now, focus on hers. There will be time down the road to help her understand your journey. She needs time to go through the stages of grief - in her own time and in her own way - and so do you.

    I know you'll hear from the others who've posted to this thread previously. Take the morsels of wisdom we offer and let them be life rafts for the rough seas ahead. Please remember that when the seas calm and you again touch land, it will be beautiful - and where you've belonged all along. [OMG I almost went with a Wizard of Oz analogy - over rainbows and a new land full of amazing color. Oops, there I did it anyway! :eusa_doh:]

    Seriously, Tom, my heart bleeds for you right now! Find your strengh and push on through!

    :kiss:

    55
     
  19. maxx

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    Tom - I feel the pain in your words and those of your wife - they echo my own situation. But as 55 says, you should congratulate yourself on having had the conversation, as difficult as it was. It doesn't matter who brought it up - just that you are now out in the open about who you genuinely are. We are all flawed beings and once we admit to ourselves that we are human, you can start building from a solid foundation.

    I echo 55's words about focusing on your wife. You've had many years to try to understand this aspect of yourself - she's only had a very short while. Encourage her to get support from whichever base is best for her (friends, family, therapist, etc.) - she needs to share this with someone that can fully empathize with her. Let her tell (or not) as many people as she needs - don't restrict her - and in fact encourage her actively to get the support she needs.

    We are here for you always. You will get through this - I promise - and so will your wife. There will be good and bad days ahead, and eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days once again - and you'll be suprised at how much life is better now that you don't have to pretend to be someone you aren't.

    You and your wife are in our thoughts,
    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
  20. NomadicDave

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    Tom,

    You do not need to feel eternal shame. Minimize the "how" you came out. Sometimes our inner voice, our truth, speaks for us. I mimic what all have said about being here for you and totally understand the pain you now feel.

    Thank you for the honor of being a part of your life today.

    Love,
    Dave