Married 34 male coming out

You are so not the only one! Welcome to EC! This is a great group of people.
I came out late in life ( late 30s) and while not married, did have long term straight relationships over the years. Much like you, I tried every think I could think of to avoid dealing with the "issue". I drank too much, ate too much, worked too much etc. But once I did finally deal with it - accept the fact that I was gay, wasnt going to change and told those that I love - I felt an inner peace I have never known.
Its going to be hard no doubt with your situation but there are many guys your age on here with wifes, children etc who have walked in your shoes. And I think most would say "I regret that I caused my loved ones pain but I don't regret coming out and accepting myself"

 

Hey bundybundy20!
Thnx, and good you could take something out of my words on the other post!

I know this horrible gut feeling, as when I came out to my parents, I had previously marked the day to come out to them inside me! I think it worsen things but if you don't set this kind of goal you'll just ended up making self excuses not to tell them!

Be strong and you have support here!

and Good you are in self-acceptance, that is one of the hardest parts for some people!

 

Welcome. I'm one of the guys who came out in my early 40's. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I did. My old posts are around here, as well as those by many other members. We've been where you're at and we understand what you're going through. We're here to help.

 

BundyBundy - I just came out to my wife last weekend and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do - by far. But I HAD to do it. Once I accepted that I was gay, I couldn't hide it from her. We are now working through what it means to us, our marriage and our lives going forward - we're taking it slowly.

EC has been phenomenal - there are so many caring people here that have been through very similar situations to mine (and yours). Threads you might want to take a look at include those of 55, Kneedragger, NomadicDave, Tracker57, JimL, Tom100, bwhopper and many more (as well as my own).

As far as advice - I'd take some time to think about how you can make the conversation as easy on your wife as possible. You've had some time to deal with this - it is brand new information to her (presumably) and will literally rock her world. Try and have the conversation with as much compassion and care as possible and put the focus on helping her come to terms with things.

We're here to support you in any way we can,
Maxx

 

BundyBundy

Welcome. We are here to be a compassionate place where you can bring all your fears/questions to the surface and find some level of comfort. The guys that Maxx mentioned in his post are truly wonderful, intelligent, insightful men that you can lean on. I'm here for you too. Reading any of their posts will surely answer some of your questions and you will find them very reassuring that you are not alone.

I see that you have decided on Saturday to tell your wife. While no one is ever fully prepared to pour out one's soul I would caution against artificial deadlines. Go easy on yourself. Have you planned this for a long time? What expectations do you have? You, like us, probably feel a burden of shame and quilt. The difference between the two are very important to understand and quite liberating. A book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" is a fantastic book that might be helpful.

Keep posting. Stay close and all the best,

Dave

 

ooh this is a tuffy well i kno when i cae out i was 13 and it was super hard. but now you are 43 this i understand will be a hard thing to tell your wife. i think you just need to tell her the trueth and say we need to just be friends. i kno this will be hard but i am a glad that you have the courage to finally come out (*hug*) :icon_bigg

 

Hi again, BundyBundy20. I posted on your original thread and am happy to see you brought it to this forum! I'm also thrilled that Maxx and Dave have posted to it. They're the closest to being where you are here.

I haven't read the book Dave mentioned, but I'm going to. And to his mention of shame and guilt, I'm going to add remorse. The first counselor I went to said that at some point I needed to let go of guilt, but not remorse. Guilt can kill you inside, but remorse is healthy. Without remorse, we're cold-blooded, which is something we definitely are not! If we didn't care so much about our wives, it would have been easy to walk away years ago. I'd never made a distinction between the two words, but it was very helpful.

I hope you get what you need here! You're on an unbearably tough road, but to the extent we can be, we're with you! (&&&)

55

 

I'd like to add my vote to Dave's on not setting artificial timelines. If your wife is looking forward to a nice weekend away, it might make things a bit more difficult - but you of course know the situation best. I spent a lot of time reading a LOT of posts here and worked with a therapist to prepare for the day. You'll know when the time is right for you and her to have the discussion.

Best
Maxx

 

Don't be surprised if she says she suspected it all along.

After I came out to my wife as bi, she told me that most of my friends thought I was gay before I married her. After so many years with your wife, she may at least suspect this.

But before you use the word "gay", examine your life with her. You've had two kids with her (I assume they were conceived by you). Doesn't that put you in the "bi "camp"?

 

A couple of things that she may want to hear is that everything you've said and done was real. When you said you loved her, it was real and you meant it. Everything you did for her was out of love. You've chosen to let her know your deepest secret. She won't understand or appreciate the level of trust you have right away, but that will come in time.

Once she knows, be ready for about anything as far as emotions. Give her time to process it and let her talk to anyone she feels she needs to for support. Don't try to put restrictions on her as to who she can/can't tell.

Good luck. We're here for you!

 

A quick hello from me too bundybundy20. Wow, not sure what to say .. you have had some good advice already.. but go you! I haven't reached either the crisis point or got enough courage yet to take that step yet.

As others have said - you're not alone here.

Best,
Tom

 

Hi there and welcome to EC.

This may or may not come as a shock to your wife. But regardless, it's going to upset the equilibrium in your relationship and in her life for sure. Remember that YOU have something to look forward to - honesty and freedom from the burden you've been carrying around. Possibly a new / different life and new relationships.

SHE on the other hand is having the rug pulled out from under her. So you will need to temper your enthusiasm because for her there really isn't an upside. At least not that she'll be able to see in the short term.

Otherwise, good luck. And welcome to EC!

 

I hope your wife doesn't think this "get away" is a romantic, let's snuggle kind of weekend. I understand that you just can't keep the secret in anymore but question your motives if you felt compelled to "manipulate" the situation. Remain considerate and above all let her talk as much as she needs to. I wish you luck and all the best.

 

You've gotten some very sage advice here. I believe you'll be kind and compassionate in coming out to your wife and I wish both of you nothing but the best.

I can definitely speak to this. I was married for 35 years with 3 kids. I loved my wife very much but never felt like I loved her as a straight man would. I deluded myself into thinking I was straight at first, then bi. In the end, though, I am a gay man through and through. Gay men of our generation had no role models, no good sources of information about what being gay really meant. I thought I was just different, but not a "fairy" - which is what I thought being gay meant. As far as I knew I was a straight man with a penis attraction. I couldn't emotionally connect to the only people I considered to be gay - effeminate men. At first the sex in our marriage was good because "hey, I'm finally having sex!" Then I started to realize that it wasn't as good as I knew it should be. That was when I started thinking about (and sneaking around) with men. Sex with my wife usually included fantasies of being with a man to get through it. I felt trapped. I loved my wife and my family, Catholics don't get divorced, and I couldn't face the shame and imagined consequences of coming out. Finally, circumstances forced me out and I couldn't be happier that the load has been lifted, although the process was pure hell. I have absolutely no physical attraction to women. I am gay.

We're with you in spirit this weekend BundyBundy20!

(&&&)

55

 

Glad it went alright for you, BundyBundy. Sounds like you had an important conversation - and as you say, although the destination is uncertain, as long as you keep the communication open and honest you should both do well. Your wife might want to get some counseling of her own to help her deal with all of this. Also, as others have said, give her free reign on who she feels she needs to tell in order for her to get the support she needs.

Good luck with your two children - I'm sure they'll be understanding (especially if one of them is gay as well).

Congratulations on this important step!
Maxx

 

Congratulations, I know exactly how you are feeling. It is the hardest thing any married gay guy will ever do in his life. I agree with jim1454 when he says that your wife has had the rug pulled out from under her. She will go through a whole range of emotions and you need to be very sensitive to her feelings. You have been struggling with this all your life now she will struggle with her future. As Jim mentioned, and I was guilty of, its easy to get overly excited of your new found freedom. Just go slow and give her time. It will all work out eventually. It does get better. It has for me, it will for you. Let us know how things are going. Big hugs for you.

 

Awesome news!! It sounds like you did it exactly the right way! I wish both of you great futures.

Good luck with telling the kids - expect another roller coaster (actually two of them)! Hopefully they'll be good support for each other. Don't be surprised if they feel protective of their mother and need time to get to know the new you. If you divorce, they'll feel like they're losing a lot too. If your son is gay, I hope it gives him the courage to come out now/soon so he doesn't repeat your life.

I look forward to hearing how it goes!

55