Wow, started on the journey but feeling as though I have lit a fuse and don't know whether it will end in a huge eruption or abit of a fizzle. This could be long, please bear with me. Story so far, 48 year old male, accepted I was gay early in August this year as I was chatting with my best mate from school. Bottled up since teenage years due to family, armed forces career (illegal then) and marriage. Am I sure? yup, always had a thing for blokes and been kinda different. Acted out a lie in various roles. Now that I have accepted that, I want release and to the peerson I think I am but have been married for 18 years. Lovely house, nice friends, cars etc. Just had friends leave the house and I'm thinking that if tell my wife all this nice life will go, but I also feel that I have to be me and lead a same sex relationship. So the fuse is lit, do I ignore who I am for more years and be miserable or blow my wife's world apart and hurt her hugely. I know I have to tell her but do not want to cause her the hurt and misery it will bring. Seeing a counsellor in 10 days time but just bursting inside meanwhile. Any advice really gratefully received, read some of the other relevant threads but anything would be appreciated.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. My advice? See the counsellor and talk about this with them. Until them, keep it inside for bit longer. It won't kill you. With respect to your wife, I'd say it's a matter of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. What do I mean? Well, as you've said, you've opened this pandora's box now and there's no shutting it again. You've brought this into your consciousness and you're wondering if you can even last 10 days without saying something. Now imagine having to go the rest of your natural life without saying something. How happy and well adjusted do you think you'll be able to be in that state? And as a result, what kind of husband do you think you'll be for your wife? In other words, you can string her a long another 18 years and you can both be miserable and unsatisfied, or you can 'come clean' now (soon) which will allow both of you to move on with your lives. You don't know what that future will look like - you could remain the best of friends. Or she might take it badly and never get over it. But in that case, at least just one of you will be miserable, not both of you. (And in my opinion, if she were to dwell on this for the rest of her life that would be her mistake, not yours.) There are lots of others who will offer their own slant on this - but that's mine in a nut shell. Write back if you want to talk in more detail. Good luck!
Hello and welcome to EC =) I would advise you to wait to say something to your wife until you have spoken with the counselor. I do think that ultimately you will want to discuss this with your wife, but your counselor will be able to help you discuss strategies that will help you talk to her about. They can help you practice the conversation so you are more prepared and feel less anxious. Ultimately, while your wife may ultimately be hurt, I think that you are giving her the opportunity to be happier. If you don't feel happy with the sexual aspect of your relationship, then that is going to show. She deserves the right to be with someone who is sexually attracted to her, just as much as you deserve the right to be with someone who is sexually attracted to you. I'm a very empathetic person, and I know how it feels to feel guilty about impacting the lives of other people, but I believe telling her is the right thing to do. Best of luck (*hug*)
Hi Swimmy - I wish I could say that your (our) situation is unique, but it isn't - it seems like every week or so someone joins EC in our situation - having been married for decades, some with children, some not - yet realizing that they are indeed gay and need (not just want - but NEED) to be authentic. It's a heartwrenching situation for everyone - yet it is survivable, as many on this forum will attest. I came out to my wife about 3 months ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever done - and am now working through the consequences. I am SO glad I did it though - I feel reborn and it's like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I think reading threads from other members who have gone through this is a great resource - with many suggestions from members on books, approaches, etc. Some of the members that have been in this situation are 55, NomadicDave, Kneedragger, JimL, Tom100, SoLost44, Tracker57, and my own, Maxx. The thing I find amazing about EC is that people here truly care - I mean deep down. I've made friends on here that I feel know me better, and I know them better, than 'friends' I've had for 20 years or more. It is a special group of people who can really give you great practical advice as well as the needed support and comfort when you are feeling down. I encourage you to freely share your feelings, concerns, fears, hopes, and dreams - and I know the folks here will do their utmost to give you the needed support. Best wishes along your path, (*hug*) Maxx
Thank you both for your welcome and comments. Having someone state the obvious in an objective way was just what I needed. Having spent my adult life denying my sexuality, the moment of my acceptance just over 3 weeks ago was a real release but brings consequences that I cannot continue to life the lie. That would be disrespectful to myself and my wife. I really want to tell the world but know that the very next person I tell has be the most important person in my life, my wife. Thanks for your support, really appreciated. I have felt so alone with this for so long, its great to have someone to talk to Jim
Hello Jim and welcome to EC from me too. I'm another married gay guy who has recently come out to his wife. Firstly, I'd like to emphasise what others have said - this is an amazing resource with a lot of caring, intelligent people who will be able to help you for sure. Nobody is judgmental, so whatever is on your mind, spit it out. Your (our) situation is a tough one. No doubt. And there will be some God awful days to come. But, and it's a big but, as we have worked our way forward on this, my wife and I have grown to know each other much more deeply than before and, in between the explosive periods, are having a much better relationship. There seems no doubt to me that the need to suppress part of my character clouded my behaviour and prevented us from connecting properly. I've been to Hell and back several times over the last few weeks - you can read all about it on my thread - but as Maxx has also said, I have no regrets and no doubts that it was the right thing to do. Just wish I'd found EC and had the courage to do it sooner in fact. You've already sensed the gathering momentum this has, so read as much as you can, use the support here and be strong. We're here whenever you need someone to talk to. Best wishes, Tom
Welcome to EC Swimmy! Much like you I have recently acknowledged to myself that I am indeed gay. Something that has been there for years inside of me that I've fought to suppress out of fear of what others would think. My journey has not reached the point yet that Maxx, Tom and others have yet but I know that I will get there one day. I have a 16 year old and a 12 year old and I find myself stalling because of how it may affect them. I know who I am and how I feel but I haven't been able to step out of my comfort zone....yet. I can tell you though that I really don't know what I would've done without the support and kindness and support of the friends I have made here. I hope that our stories and experiences will help you to see that you are not alone on this journey. Once again, welcome!
Thank you everyone for the advice, support and good wishes. I couldn't have asked for more. Today has been more stable, mainly because of work and little time to think of personal things. So good, there I was wondering whether I could just go back deep into the closet and hide everything back up. But that was only for a moment as I know this needs to be out in the open as I am gay and want to lead that life honestly. Reading other threads, I think what is right for me is to assume that I am gay and not experiment to make sure. I really want to be able, amongst the rest of the news my wife is going to get, to say that I have not had an affair. I appreciate that might not be possible or right for everyone but feel it is right for me. This reply is really one of the first times I have stood up and said "I am gay" after a life of denial and inward misery. Why can't I look at another man and think "he is hot/cute, wonder if he'd like a chat and a coffee." Your support is amazing. I spent so long alone, its nice to be able to talk things out with like minded non judging people.:eusa_clap Thanks Jim
Hi, Jim! I am so happy you found EC! As others have said, this is an amazing place. I echo what Maxx, NomadicDave, Tom100 and others have said. You are on the toughest journey of your life, but it also probably the most necessary - both for you and your wife. I quoted your passage above because of what you said about not having had an affair. If you've read my story, you know that I could not make that claim when my orientation became known to my wife (now my ex). That has been the hardest thing for her to get past, and my children have expressed the same sentiment. So kudos to you for holding it together! I don't have much to add, other than to say that I've found the best friends of my life right here on EC and I wish that for you too. We won't tell you what to do, but we'll put in our 2 cents worth so you can find your way. Again, welcome to EC! You're among friends! 55
Swimmy, I came out to my husband yesterday, having known all my adult life on some level that I was gay, and finally worked out some months ago that it was not going to go away if I just ignored and suppressed it forever! Yesterday was painful and traumatic, as I had to watch while his heart broke in two and his dreams fell to tatters around him. But I'm firm in my mind that it was the right thing to do. Also, interestingly, he repeatedly asked me why I hadn't told him before (it's complicated, of course!) I was surprised that, after he showed only anger and grief for several hours, he then came back to a loving way of dealing with me and just wanted to be held. I strongly feel that I will have a continuing role in his life, whatever path(s) we take, and we'll get through this, as all parents have to, as a team. Hope this helps. Haven't posted many details on my own threads about yeasterday's events yet, but thought you might like to know how it's going so far for me. Check out my other threads if you like. Good luck to you, Bluebird
BBird75, You are the most amazing person! Less than 24 hours after your conversation with your husband you find time to send me, a total stranger, a really supportive message. Thank you. (*hug*) Over the years I have thought I was gay, feared I was gay and known I was gay. But denied it at every stage and every time. It was only early this month did I finally accept I was gay and things will never be the same. I suppose my next step will be to embrace the fact I'm gay but to do that I have to tell my wife and be totally honest. Have read your other thread and I only hope we can deal with our situation as well as you and your husband are dealing with yours. My repect, admiration and love go out to you for your message. Thank you ( heck I'm crying again)
I'll echo the advice - don't experiment! You don't need to. You're gay - you don't need to prove it to yourself. And you're right - you can at least be honest with your wife and tell her that you've been faithful. That will mean a lot.
Thanks for you reply Swimmy. I'm not at all sure I deserve your respect and admiration, at all!!! I wanted to post support because I'm going through it right now, and I know how incredible it was to receive support from other members when I first joined EC. My husband and I, well, I'm not so sure either of us are really dealing with it that well but I'll post more about that in my own threads! Good luck to you in your situation anyway. And take heart - there are some fantastic guys on this site who have been where you(we?) are right now and have worked through it. Best wishes, Bluebird
